Dearest Spencer,
Fourteen.
Really?
Fourteen?
Can’t be.
Guess it is.
Vierzehn. Wir werden damit weitermachen. Es klingt weniger verrückt, oder?
Ja.
As I write this you’re enjoying your “up later than your sister” bedtime privileges in the other room, doing teenager things. When you first started taking your space from the rest of us, I was worried. Maybe even secretly offended, wondering what we were doing wrong.
Then it dawned on me- that’s a typical teenage thing.
Sure, you became a teenager last year. But you’ve become more of a teenager over the course of the year, if that makes any sense at all.
I know some people talk about how teenagers can be a bit… much. It’s true, there are times when it feels like chaos and uncertainty and difficult and exhausting and confusing. I realize more and more how outnumbered I am at home. But… so far, it’s been mostly enjoyable, I think… I’m hoping you would agree, but feel free to share with me your brutal honesty on that one once you read this letter.
When it dawned on me that you’re doing typical teenage things now, I was a little scared. It felt like brand new territory. I’m not sure why, because clearly, I was a teenager once, and I hung out with other teenagers once upon a time, and half of them were boys. Yet, I had myself convinced it was going to be slightly terrifying somehow.
Maybe it will be. I like to think it won’t. I’m practical in the brain sometimes, so I won’t be surprised if it is.
I digress,
Tomorrow, you’re going to wake up and be vierzehn and time has still not slown down even a little bit. You’re one year closer to the day where you will decide to live away from me and your siblings and the whole world as we know it will change. That realization is ever present in my mind, and it’s why I try tos spend as much time with you doing carefree or interesting things with you- forcing you to swim in a lake, taking you hiking, going to the park, and whatever other things I “forced” you to do (or sweet talked you into).
I loved every minute you were with me this year, even if the minute itself sucked for whatever reason, because it was one minute time couldn’t steal you away from me.
Someday I’m going to be old and you’ll have a life of your own and I’ll look back on the hard times and laugh and be grateful for them, even if we are having a cranky day and you don’t want me to make jokes. I do love that you get my jokes though and goodness knows I appreciate yours (when timed properly of course, because we are very similar like that).
Secret time, and don’t be embarrassed: You’re a really good kid. I see it. I know it. Others see it. Others know it. Others tell me.
Granted, we all have our issues, yours included (I would really like you to turn in more of your homework, after all, for example), but deep down, you’ve got an amazing, caring, compassionate heart, a brilliant mind, excellent wit, creative problem solving and reasoning, and some of the best hugs I’ve ever received. It’s been so odd transitioning to you being the taller one in a hug and often being the one to initiate it, but I adore those moments more than you know. Wouldn’t want to make it awkward and be all mushy hearted.
This year has been a whirlwind with lots of good and some not so good, of course. The surprise trip to Florida with your aunt, uncle, cousin, siblings, and I, was the things dreams were made of. I savored all of the joy you emitted and the whimsy and wonder of all the new experiences we had together. It’s a week I will remember and cherish my entire life. What a gift we were all given.
I know the end of the school year, the summer, and the beginning of this school year have been tainted with the familiar stench of fatherly abandonment, and I am so sorry that is a rerun you have to live through again. I am proud of the young man you’re becoming through all of life’s challenges though. Your ability to voice your thoughts and emotions continues to grow, your honesty is precious, and your resilience is something to treasure. There’s been some really terrible times in your life but still, you smile on, you laugh, and you love.
I have loved watching your quiet faith blossom as well. A few weekends ago, when you had a word for prayer time in church, and you bravely sent it in, and the congregation prayed it, and then we found out someone in the church that you don't personally know knew someone that fit that prayer request perfectly- I had chills all over my body but electric burning warmth in my spirit. It was a beautiful moment, and I was so overjoyed to see you following the whispers you hear God sending your way. I pray your faith continues to grow and you continue to hear, see, and seek Jesus in countless ways.
I’ve also loved watching my biggest kid love the smallest kids in our family. Sometimes, I watch you interact with your younger cousins and I just want to literally, audibly, squeal in your face because it’s beautiful moments. They look up to you and love you deeply. They see the light in your spirit, too. I love watching you interact with your uncles as you continue to get older and see the bonds you form with them, too. Your aunts have always been close to your heart and strong, and it’s been such a delight to see your relationships with your uncles growing.
Spencer, thank you for continuing to be playful and fun with me others around you, and not being too cool to give me hugs on the regular. Thank you for helping people in need, even if no one else sees them, without being asked or expecting praise for doing so. Thank you for being willing to learn new skills and help with different projects that you can do now that you’re older. Thank you for teaching me new things. Thank you for laughing with me. Thank you for singing car duets with me, which is hands-down one of my favorite parts of road trips. Thank you for being you.
I pray that this year, your friendships and other peer relationships grow deeper roots. I pray you find more people to be in your tribe, with similar interests. I pray that you grow to love school and enjoy challenges and are able to let go of the burden of perfectionism. You are enough as you are, you know. I pray that you experience vierzehn more times joy than heartache. I pray that you realize how brave, strong, and smart you are. I pray that you (and I) savor the minutes, hours, days, weeks, and months this year and hold onto the goodness they bring as long as possible.
I love you.
Like…
A lot.
We’re in this together, forever.
And did I mention…
Ich liebe dich?
Immer.
Mom