Innocent Assault

 (ATTENTION: pertinent links and resources are located in bold at the end of this post.  If you or someone you know is struggling, please see those)

Once upon a time, there was a little girl.  She was born with dark brown hair, but over time, it lightened to the color of corn silk.  She had chubby little cheeks, green eyes, and a pure little heart full of love and joy.

As she continued to grow, and her hair turned dark, what no one knew about her little heart was that it had been silently broken by someone who loved her.

A simple afternoon, sitting on a dining room chair, against the wall, just right of the doorway, facing a television, watching a game show, next to a man she trusted. After that she didn’t want be around him.  She didn’t want to sit in that chair.  She didn’t want to watch that TV.  She avoided it as best she could because sometimes when she didn’t avoid it, it happened again.

They were confusing moments and she didn’t know how to react, so… she didn’t react at all.

Then, for many more years, she told herself it wasn’t “that bad” because so many people had been through worse.

Sure, his hands had explored places she didn’t want them to be.  But he didn’t physically hurt her.  He didn’t kiss her.  He didn’t take her clothes off her body…. He didn’t do… worse.  

The little girl tucked the memory away and didn’t revisit it until much, much later.  She was utterly relived when she no longer had to see that man, and somehow even more relieved when he died years later. 

However, that same little girl grew into a young woman.  She developed a chest, and because was self-conscious and certain she was “fat,” she made sure to be covered up in public. Plus, she didn’t want creepy guys looking at her… ever.  She was a nerdy dork of sorts, so she wasn’t popular, but that was okay.

When she was in high school though, she met a boy from another town, online, since the internet was just growing and changing the way you could interact with people.  He was from a few towns over, but eventually, they decided to meet up, with friends, of course.  This nervous teen with her glasses and some acne put on a pair of jeans and her Winnie-the-Pooh “baby doll” fitted t-shirt, and met the boy.  It was a blast, hanging out in his living room, listening to music, and joking around.

The lights got dimmer, and things calmed, and she sat next to the boy on the couch.  Without permission, he slid hid hands in between her thighs.   She pushed him away, and he stared at her confused.  He kissed her on the cheek, and his hands wandered back to where they had been.  He tried to unbutton them, and she slapped him. He thought it was funny. He tried one more time, and she got up and left.

She didn’t tell anyone about it, because “nothing really happened” and she solved the problem on her own.

A few months later, she met a different boy, from a different town, who came to her house to hang out.  They decided to go for a drive, and look at the stars in the country, having conversation in his vehicle.  He snuggled up next to her and she relaxed into his arms. His arm was placed securely around her shoulder, and they kissed briefly.  Then, his hands went to her chest.  She told him no.  He stopped.  They continued talking.  She never saw him again.  Soon enough, the girl graduated from high school, made new friends, and was enjoying making memories with her friends.

The girl went to college a few hours away from home.  She was startled to see the first boy in her college dormitory building.  She avoided looking at him and tried to avoid him at all costs.  She wasn’t afraid of him, but she felt so gross when she was in his presence.  In the second semester, she was in one of the same classes as him.   She dropped out.  She didn’t need that class, anyway.

She grew up, got married, graduated, and started a life, got divorced, and continued shaping a life.

That girl is me.

My story is, I presume, to be “not that bad” compared to countless other stories that are much more grotesque, detailed, violating, violent, devastating, and many other adjectives I cannot think of.  What I have grappled with in my adult years, is admitting it’s still not okay, and each unwanted situation was a form of sexual assault.  I am good now. I am healed emotionally and spiritually. It wasn’t always the case, especially during the years I told no one and had to figure out how to be a girlfriend, fiancé, and wife, while carrying around the invisible baggage.

Years ago, I volunteered on a “Crisis Hotline” where I took calls from people in serious situations, sometimes suicidal, sometimes victims of assault.  There was one night, when I received my first 1am phone-call from a quiet voice on the other end, hesitatingly answering ‘yes’ when asked if there was anyone on the other end of the line.  She admitted she was raped.  She was terrified.  She didn't know what to do.  I asked her if she wanted to go to the hospital and talk to someone there- together.  I would meet her.

She said yes.  

I drove miles away to the hospital, and I met this young woman, about my age, in the emergency room waiting area.  We sat in silence, and I explained I would stay with her as long as she would like, but that I wouldn’t pressure her to do or say anything, I would just support her.  

I had been through unwanted contacts in my own body.  

Being inside that sterile room, with the door shut, a female nurse, and a victim undergoing a rape kit collection… broke me.  It didn’t break me for me.  It broke me for her.  It broke me for women and children everywhere.  It broke me for humanity.  

Many years later, someone I hold exceptionally dear asked me to come along with her as she confronted her abuser, after years of undergoing therapy to help heal her heart and mind from years of sexual assault/abuse.  I was so proud of her, so broken with her, and so relieved for her when we drove away that afternoon.

I took a job, over a decade ago, working with children who were dealing with intense trauma and lasting effects of it.  I was able to see how trauma affected their every day lives in ways that I hadn’t been privy to before.  I walked alongside them for almost a year before my life changed, and my marriage ended.

Now, I’m a CASA volunteer, and it’s often possible that the children I walk alongside have traumas related to these areas.  I’ve also taken many trainings on these subjects.  I did not realize until recently how immersed into the subject I have been throughout my life.

Somewhere along the line, I also learned that it was okay to tell your partner or spouse “no” and that just because you were committed to them, didn’t mean you “had to” let them do things, or “give in” to doing things with them, if you didn’t want to do it.  The concept seemed somehow foreign to me, quite frankly, because I just assumed it was the right way to approach intimacy.  I learned that feeling disgusted after going along with something intimate you didn’t want to do was actually a fairly normal response to that situation. 

You’re also allowed to agree to or initiate something and then change your mind.

As I have continued to grow in life experiences and seeing life become more publicly shared and critiqued and criticized, alongside the rest of the world, my eyes have been burned open to atrocities occurring al around us, all of the time. I know I’m not alone in feeling like we are constantly bombarded with bad news and tragedy.  The world feels like a scary, dark, depressing place more often than any of us ever bargained for, I’m guessing. 

I have spent hours in contacts with others who have had experiences in these (and other) areas.  Survivors have my heart.  I hold them all dear.

Lately, I’ve been feeling very overwhelmed on social media.  It isn’t the presentation of the many terrible things going on that overwhelms me, but the commentary. I know that many things presented on social media are biased in some way, and I try to take the information presented with a grain of salt, and to verify, and to research both sides of the cards before I make my judgements.  But… when I read commentary on things, I find it much more difficult to do so…

ESPECIALLY when it comes to commentary regarding sexual assault, harassment, and abuse. For example, famously, the Epstein files.

Rapists

Pedophiles

Molesters

Murders

Assailants 

Traffickers

Solicitors

and so many other labels ascribed to those people who make unwanted words, thoughts, gestures, and contact with a person who is non-consensual, or not wanting these things to be aimed toward or acted out upon them.

There are too many jokes. 

There are too many people victim shaming.

There are too many pcople victim blaming.

There are too many justifying these crimes against others.

 

I find it utterly disgusting when someone tries to pit one abuser against another, saying we shouldn’t be mad about one because we weren’t mad about another in the past. There may have been circumstances in the past that affected someone’s ability to process any of these things then.  We can’t change the past but we can change the future.  We have to start changing our thinking and our conversations NOW. 

We shouldn’t be excusing this despicable behavior just because someone has led a perfect, near perfect, okay-ish, or terrible public life.  It isn’t excusable when you’re a politician, entrepreneur, celebrity, clergy, teacher, any job, any age, ANYTHING.  IT IS ALWAYS INEXCUSABLE. 

This is not political. It's HUMANE. 

Now. Always.  Now is better than never, and each one needs to be held accountable by law for the devastation they put upon another human.

The effects of sexual assault and abuse are often not short term.  A person can stuff it down for decades, and be in the act of intimacy with another person that they initiated, and suddenly be in a moment of panic, terror, shame, disgust, etc. and need things to end.  It is not uncommon.  It is not uncommon for survivors to deal with mental health or body issues.  It is not uncommon for survivors to self-sabotage relationships.  It’s not uncommon for survivors to black it all out and forget about it completely until something unrelated triggers them and breaks them down.

It’s not uncommon that this is happening right now, as you read my words.  And now.  Oh, and right now too.

IT SHOULD BE UNCOMMON THAT IT HAPPENS AT ALL.

I also find it entirely devastating that people still need to be reminded that what a person wears does not justify sexual assault, abuse, or harassment.  What their body is shaped like does not justify sexual assault, abuse, or harassment.  What they have been drinking does not justify sexual assault, abuse, or harassment.

Being drunk does not justify perpetrating sexual assault, abuse, or harassment.

Sexual abuse, assault, and harassment occurs across all “lines” we draw between ourselves- economic, religious, race, age, location, etc.  

So many victims are CHILDREN.

As adults, we spend so much time trying to make sure that youth understand that “no” means “no” at any time it is spoken, in any situation.  When someone says “stop,” they mean it.  If someone rejects you, you accept it.  We tell them to listen to and respect adults, as well as their peers. Children ask us a question, and we say "no" and they ask why, so we say "because I said so." It's ingrained from early childhood. 

But somehow, too many adults forget it applies to adults, too.  "No" and "stop" get ignored.

We are supposed to be protecting each other, not destroying each other. We are especially supposed to be protecting our children and youth.

I know that a child becomes a legal adult at age 18 in the United States of America, but it is widely known research now that a person’s brain doesn’t fully develop until their early to mid twenties. Just a tidbit in case you hadn’t heard that before.  

In terms of protecting our children, youth, and each other, we need to be conscious of the fact that there are eyes and ears around you regularly, and they see, hear, and sense your reactions and beliefs to the terrible things going on in the world.  They will develop a sense of safety or fear in response to those.  They will trust you or they won’t when it comes to important issues as well as trivial things. They will mimick people they love, sometimes even if they don’t understand what or why.

They know how we are treating each other.

They know how we are discussing each other.

They know.

We must do better.  We cannot divide the world continually, especially in regard to things that we all (or most all) agree are just plain wrong.  

I know this has been long.  But, I feel it’s been important.

As I wind down, I can’t help but put myself back in my younger shoes, and wish I had been braver, or more informed, or…. Something.  But I cannot take the blame- especially not for the youngest situation.  He knew what he was doing was wrong.  As a teenager, I would like to think both boys knew what they did was wrong, but I never will know, and it doesn’t matter, because in both situations, I didn’t ask for or agree to things that happened to me.

I do know it is possible to forgive someone who abused or harmed you, bit still want them to be held accountable. They SHOULD be, especially when harming children who do not have the necessary equipping to do so on their own. 

It is soul-crushingly difficult to be brave enough to speak out when something that destroys your innocence is inflicted upon you. I didn’t see that until that night in the hospital room. But I see it now, and I see it every day in any brave person who names their abuser publicly.  I see it as they fight against censorship of the names and events, and my heart honors them.  

Can you feel their pain?

You should.  Put yourself in their shoes and then read or write public comments online. What if it happened to you? To your children? To your family? To your friends?

It can happen to anyone- male or female. Anyone. It can happen incredibly quick and the survivor not realize until its over or be a long, grueling torture (and the many lengths and intensity in-between).

Feel the judgement and blame from millions of people who do not know you, or who are against you because your abuser is someone they like.  Try it.  

I hope it helps you realize how brave they are. How strong they are.

Speaking out is a hard thing to do.  It shouldn’t be.  

A year ago, one of my children spoke out against a staff that they admired, in a place that they felt safe.  It wasn’t a physical action that occurred against them, but unwanted and potentially inappropriate words toward multiple children.  Sure, they weren’t “terrible” but my child felt uneasy and that they were wrong. My child trusted their good moral compass. They came to me.  I told them they should do the difficult, brave, scary thing, and speak out.  So they did.  

The person in authority of the situation at the time commended them on their strength and bravery, because it looks like an insurmountable feat for a child to speak out on the wrongdoing of an adult that they trust, and in some times, admire, and in some times, love.  We were fortunate this situations as more minor that sexual assault, abuse, or harassment.  But it wasn’t okay.  

It's difficult for adults, too.  But, if there's someone or something you need to talk about, please do it. You can do difficult things. You already have- you survived.

If you made it through all of this, I hope it’s helped something in someway.  If you or anyone you know is dealing with sexual assault, abuse, or harassment, suicide or self-harm, or dangerous situations, please know you are not alone, and reach out to someone.

National Sexual Assault Hotline - 1-800-656-4673 (Free, Confidential, 24/7 Support) - https://rainn.org (chat and text available)

National Sexual Violence Resource Center - https://nsvrc.org

National Deomestic Violence Hotline - 1-800-799-7233 (or text BEGIN to 88788) - http://thehotline.org

National Human Trafficking Hotline - 1-888-373-7888 (or text INFO to 233733) - http://humantraffickinghotline.org

Department of Justice - https://www.justice.gov

Helpline Center - dial 211 - https://www.helplinecenter.org

And, if you need someone to be a safe space or more area specific resources, I’m here.

Nicole.m.worthley@gmail.com

When You're Fifteen...

 Spencer, 

I don’t think that the 15th birthday is considered some monumental milestone, typically, but for some reason, in my heart, it feels like a major birthday somehow.  Perhaps, it’s because I know what you’ve been through all these years, and seeing you, a wise, caring, humorous, generous, and loving young man, feels like more than just a dream come true. 

I know YOU don’t always feel that way about yourself, but lucky for you, I’m here.

“Cause when you’re fifteen and somebody tells you you they love you, you’re gonna believe them…”

It’s a song lyric. While I know the song isn’t about parental love, as I powered on my iPad to write to you, as you drift off to sleep after an exhausting week, that lyric burst into my mind.  

I love you.

I hope you believe it.

The end of that song goes “But I’ve found time can heal most anything, and you just might find who you’re supposed to be. I didn’t know who I was supposed to be at fifteen.”

I pray that for you, my wonderful son. I believe there is absolute truth in those words.  

I didn’t know who I was at fifteen either.  I do now.

I am your mom.

I am your friend.

I am your safety.

I am your champion.

I am yours.

As you know, I dreamt of you forever. I hoped for you for decades.  I’ve told you more than once, and I will tell you again- you were the miraculous answer to my deepest prayers.

You’re everything I imagined, and so much more…

…and to see joy in your eyes brings me elation that I cannot describe.

Like tonight, when unexpectedly, you were given a gift I’m not sure you dared to dream for, and held your guitar in your hands.  When I handed it to you almost two weeks ago in the guitar shop, I just knew it had to be yours.  I knew I had to make it happen…

..and it did.  The guitar that is years older than you, but somehow was made specifically for you, is yours. And such beautiful moments happened shortly after, when you sat down with your uncle, your siblings, and your cousins, and musical memories formed, filling the room.  I watched you playing, singing along with them, with tears in my eyes.

I know it doesn’t probably feel like it yet, but right in front of me, I’m watching you find who you are. I love who you are.  Quite frankly, you’re one of my very favorite people on this planet.  

The teenage years are complex, no doubt, but I love the general, genuine ease of our relationship.  I love that we can laugh together, cry together, be quiet together, be noisy together… be…. together, and there is no conflict or strife, even on harder days.  It’s a God thing, no doubt.  

When you read this, you will officially be fifteen.   As you go about your days this year, I want you to know I’m still always praying for you- for healing your hurts, for increasing your joys.  I pray that you find deep, meaningful friendships, and people you can call your tribe.  I pray that your interests and passions expand and deepen. I pray that the music you create is rooted in your soul and brings fire to your spirit like it does when I hear you play.   I pray that your sense of humor never fades, and your smile only brightens.  I pray that you feel anchored in who you are and never feel lost in this crazy world.  I pray that you believe only the truth about who you are and not the lies that the enemy wants you to latch onto.

Thank you for the hugs, every day.  You know you hug me more than anyone else in the world, right?  I love it, more than you know.

Thank you for making fun of me and keeping me humble.

Thank you for all of these years.  

You are loved, more than you’ll ever know.

You are worthy.

I’m so glad you’re mine.

I love you.

Forever and ever, amen.

Mom

Two Teen

Dearest Collin,

The day is upon us. Tomorrow, you will become my second teenager.  As is always the case, I feel that this year has flown by and tomorrow could not possibly be your birthday again. As is always the case, I cannot slow time down, and tomorrow is your birthday again.  Time is cruel in that way.

I want you to know that I have loved this last year with you, watching you grow and mature.  I have loved this past year, because in some ways, time has been kind, and although you're a big kid, you still hold on to some of that younger-child joy.  There's a sparkle in your eye when you wonder that I hope you never lose, like I believe you will never lose your love of dinosaurs.  My momma heart hopes you hold onto that as long as possible.  The world as a whole makes us grow up sooner than we should, often times, and holding onto those special things that bring you joy is important, if you ask me.

I know that you do not always agree with me, but Collin, you are so smart.  So often, I will be talking about some random topic, and although I do not realize you're listening, from across the room, you will interject some random fact, or answer a question I hadn't even asked yet, and I absolutely adore that about you.  I love the way your mind works.  I find it to be an intriguing place, and I often muse about what kind of things are buried deep inside.  

I have enjoyed watching you grow in courage as well.  When you went to the youth group retreat this summer, I had a moment of tears, seeing you ready to experience something like that, far away from me, not knowing what to expect, but being full of anticipation.  I heard such wonderful things about you and the color you bring to people's lives when you are not with me.  

I love watching you with your cousins.  Although most of them are younger than you, you connect with them in fantastic ways.  One of my favorite moments of the summer cousin time was when one of your cousins told me that she knows you will protect her.   I loved watching the two of you laugh endlessly, then focus and discuss things on the couch together.  I just love seeing you "click" into place with people.  I love that more than one of your cousins has told me recently that they know you love them so very much.   

I love that we all know that even if there is tension sometimes, sibling bickering, or foul moods, you will ALWAYS have our backs.  You are always on our side.  You have fierce, unwavering love for the people you choose to love, and you would do anything you could to protect them.  We have seen it many times.  I pray that as you continue to grow in patience and wisdom, you will be able to discern the right time and way to stand up for those you care for.    

I know that you are going to do big things in this world.  I know that you are going to continue to live a life of inquisitive discovery, and that you are going to find special ways to leave a lasting mark.  I know that you are passionate for making this world a better place, that you love the environment, nature, animals, and more.  I have seen the fire in your spirit when you hear or see injustice.  

As always, there are struggles in each year that we live and grow, but really, Collin, this last year was so wonderful overall.  You have become more patient, and less quick to react in many situations.  I know that it has been a hard road to get to this point, and I have seen you work incredibly hard to be where you are.  I know that it isn't always easy and that mistakes will be made, but I also know you learn from each of them.  

I pray that in this coming year, as a teenager, you continue to find passions and interests in new and exciting things.  The world is still opening up for you, and there are countless opportunities ahead of you to find what brings you joy.  

I pray that you continue to have patience, grace, and kindness for those around you, and that each day, you feel patience, grace, and kindness toward you as well.  You give some of the very best hugs on the planet, and I pray that you never stop sharing that gift with me and the many others who love them too.  

I pray that while you grow stronger, you continue to grow gentler as well, and are able to find the balance in each moment.  I pray that your love of nature, of cats, and the rest of the world around you continues to deepen.  

I pray that you are always able to find safe spaces and comfort in your environment.  

I pray that while your mind continues to race, it also continues to learn to rest. 

I pray that you and your siblings continue to grow up, but grow together, and use these next years to solidify your bond that will carry you through the rest of your lives.  Siblings are a priceless treasure, and I pray that you all always know that you can count on one another. Always. 

I pray that as you continue on in middle school, you find your people- the ones you know will have your back just like you do for so many that you love. I pray that you will find yourself as part of the larger community of peers, and never as an outsider.  

I pray that even though you sometimes feel different, you realize we are all unique, and even in your differences, you truly, completely belong.

I pray you will continue to be proud to be my son and never embarrassed to be with me.  There's something so wonderful about the fact that you are still willing to hold my hand while walking sometimes.  I love that you tell me you love me in the drop off lane at school as you exit the car- even if occasionally you're in a grumpy morning mood.

I pray that these teenage years are a lot of fun. I know there's potential for... moods, and stuff... that comes with the age, but I also know that there's potential for SO. MUCH. FUN.  It has already been a joy seeing our relationship grow and evolve as time ebbs on.  

I pray you will always let me call you Ollie Bear, even if it's eventually only in secret.

Collin, my love, the world is a better place with you in it.  Never let yourself believe otherwise. 

I pray that being a teenager is all you dream it will be, and so much more.  

You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. I'm so glad you're mine.

Love,

Mom

 

Tween

 

Hey, Girlfriend,

Here we are... at yet another transition.  I didn't google it or anything, but in my mind, this birthday marks the transition from big kid to tween.  Is that how it goes? Tonight, you go from ten to eleven.  It really isn't that much older, but it feels like a big transition somehow.

Norah, you are one of the greatest humans I've ever met. You are full of spice and spunk, laughter, and love. You radiate joy with your smiling eyes and your bounding laughter.  You are SO, SO loud, I like to think your joy carries far beyond who can see you in front of them.  I hear from so many people that they see your light in your smile, in your dance, in your eyes.  It makes me so proud to call you my own.  I try not to get too full of myself, but I like to think that my goal of raising good humans is coming to fruition with each year that passes.  

Sure, now that you're becoming a tween, you're also... a little... well, you know. Emotions happen.  We struggle some days, but our communication within our little family is pretty top-notch most of the time, so we get through even the biggest rollercoaster days. 

We are all learning a little more about empathy and grace these days, I think.  We all work as a team to try to remember to pause and not react, and when we do react, to react with kindness and understanding. It's a wild ride watching all of my littles go from three kids four and younger, to three kids entering their teenage years.  So many people talk about how teenage years are hard, and I know that's true, but so far, for the most part, I am enjoying this phase of life.  It's been so fun to see personalities change and emerge. You, my daughter, are also my friend, and the person I spend the most time with outside of work.  You still think I'm fun and hilarious, and you seek me out more than anyone else I know.  I know that we have had talks about how I'm still trying to navigate that, being a somewhat independent person, and that your need for me, your desire to be around me frequently, to have my eyes and ears on you, is a sign that we have a great relationship.  I tell myself it must mean I am a good mom.  I am truly blessed when you (and your brother) reaffirm that.  I promise that in this next year, I will try my best to slow down and be in those little moments with you, the ones you crave even though I don't necessarily understand it (within reason, of course).

But really, you're my daughter and my girlfriend. I love our coffee & smoothie dates, cruising in the car singing at the top of our lungs, laughing about ridiculous nonsense.  I love that our sense of humor is similar and our sarcasm is complimentary, so we can tell when we are being silly snarky with one another.  I love that we can (usually) read each other's expressions and know things without words being spoken.  I love sharing a room with you and I find it utterly fascinating you feel the same way.  I didn't expect it.  I love creating with you. I love watching TV with you. I love fighting over the affection of our cats with you.

And that's just me. You are so many things to so many people. Your brothers are blessed by you and your love for them even when you don't get along.  I know you would each stand up for the others when time gets hard.  I've seen you have each other's backs when it feels like others turn away. Your besties are blessed by you and your silly inside jokes, dances, and hand-shakes.  Your teachers are blessed by you and your sense of community, compassion, and inclusion.  Your cousins are blessed by your unconditional love that surpasses all geography and ages.  Your aunts, uncles, grandparents, and chosen family are blessed in the same way.  Animals all over the place are blessed by you and how your excessive energy can be calmed in an instant so that a furry friend will seek you out almost anywhere we go. You are full of empathy and compassion. You see the unseen.  You have a creative, unique, problem-solving mind that brings goodness to this world.

You're a treasure- a mutli-faceted gem.  

Having once been a pre-teen (I didn't know the word "tween" when I was younger, shocking, I know.. the [late] 1900s were really something...) I know that the next few years are going to be full of self-discovery, conflict, and resolution.  Your sense of self may be challenged in unexpected ways. You may cry a lot of tears over a lot of things, both inconsequential and significant, and it all really does matter.  Friendship lines may blur and change, but I pray you'll remember to always be a good friend to those around you.  I pray that you never harbor hatred in your heart. I pray that you embrace forgiveness, but also firm boundaries to protect your heart.  I pray you are able to tune out the lies you may be tempted to believe about yourself, and hold firm to the truth.  I hope that you are always able to know when to be serious and when to be silly, who to joke with and when, and that it is a rarity to hurt another person's feelings. 

You are brave. You are strong. You are fierce.  This world has thrown some really big stones your way, but you've knocked them down or climbed over each one, and not a single thing can break you if you hold onto who you really are inside. I know it. 

Girl, you're going to move mountains and change atmospheres.  I can't wait to see it.

Keep sprinkling kindess. Keep splashing sunshine.

I love you.

More.

Most.

(Your brothers too, even though you don't always like them, and I have to remind you they're also my favorite people. We'll keep working on it.)

You dazzle me.

YTBTTEHTMAISGYM.

Hahahaha.  I hope I got that right.

But yes, "it's possible."

Always,

Your Momma

Vierzehn?!

 Dearest Spencer,

Fourteen.

Really?

Fourteen?

Can’t be.

Guess it is. 

Vierzehn. Wir werden damit weitermachen. Es klingt weniger verrückt, oder?

Ja.

As I write this you’re enjoying your “up later than your sister” bedtime privileges in the other room, doing teenager things.  When you first started taking your space from the rest of us, I was worried. Maybe even secretly offended, wondering what we were doing wrong.

Then it dawned on me- that’s a typical teenage thing.

Sure, you became a teenager last year.  But you’ve become more of a teenager over the course of the year, if that makes any sense at all. 

I know some people talk about how teenagers can be a bit… much.  It’s true, there are times when it feels like chaos and uncertainty and difficult and exhausting and confusing.  I realize more and more how outnumbered I am at home.  But… so far, it’s been mostly enjoyable, I think… I’m hoping you would agree, but feel free to share with me your brutal honesty on that one once you read this letter.

When it dawned on me that you’re doing typical teenage things now, I was a little scared.  It felt like brand new territory.  I’m not sure why, because clearly, I was a teenager once, and I hung out with other teenagers once upon a time, and half of them were boys.  Yet, I had myself convinced it was going to be slightly terrifying somehow.

Maybe it will be. I like to think it won’t.  I’m practical in the brain sometimes, so I won’t be surprised if it is.

I digress,

Tomorrow, you’re going to wake up and be vierzehn and time has still not slown down even a little bit. You’re one year closer to the day where you will decide to live away from me and your siblings and the whole world as we know it will change.  That realization is ever present in my mind, and it’s why I try tos spend as much time with you doing carefree or interesting things with you- forcing you to swim in a lake, taking you hiking, going to the park, and whatever other things I “forced” you to do (or sweet talked you into).

I loved every minute you were with me this year, even if the minute itself sucked for whatever reason, because it was one minute time couldn’t steal you away from me.

Someday I’m going to be old and you’ll have a life of your own and I’ll look back on the hard times and laugh and be grateful for them, even if we are having a cranky day and you don’t want me to make jokes. I do love that you get my jokes though and goodness knows I appreciate yours (when timed properly of course, because we are very similar like that).

Secret time, and don’t be embarrassed: You’re a really good kid. I see it. I know it. Others see it. Others know it. Others tell me.

Granted, we all have our issues, yours included (I would really like you to turn in more of your homework, after all, for example), but deep down, you’ve got an amazing, caring, compassionate heart, a brilliant mind, excellent wit, creative problem solving and reasoning, and some of the best hugs I’ve ever received.  It’s been so odd transitioning to you being the taller one in a hug and often being the one to initiate it, but I adore those moments more than you know. Wouldn’t want to make it awkward and be all mushy hearted.

This year has been a whirlwind with lots of good and some not so good, of course.  The surprise trip to Florida with your aunt, uncle, cousin, siblings, and I, was the things dreams were made of.  I savored all of the joy you emitted and the whimsy and wonder of all the new experiences we had together.  It’s a week I will remember and cherish my entire life. What a gift we were all given.

I know the end of the school year, the summer, and the beginning of this school year have been tainted with the familiar stench of fatherly abandonment, and I am so sorry that is a rerun you have to live through again.  I am proud of the young man you’re becoming through all of life’s challenges though.  Your ability to voice your thoughts and emotions continues to grow, your honesty is precious, and your resilience is something to treasure. There’s been some really terrible times in your life but still, you smile on, you laugh, and you love.  

I have loved watching your quiet faith blossom as well.  A few weekends ago, when you had a word for prayer time in church, and you bravely sent it in, and the congregation prayed it, and then we found out someone in the church that you don't personally know knew someone that fit that prayer request perfectly- I had chills all over my body but electric burning warmth in my spirit.  It was a beautiful moment, and I was so overjoyed to see you following the whispers you hear God sending your way. I pray your faith continues to grow and you continue to hear, see, and seek Jesus in countless ways.  

I’ve also loved watching my biggest kid love the smallest kids in our family.  Sometimes, I watch you interact with your younger cousins and I just want to literally, audibly, squeal in your face because it’s beautiful moments.  They look up to you and love you deeply.  They see the light in your spirit, too.   I love watching you interact with your uncles as you continue to get older and see the bonds you form with them, too.  Your aunts have always been close to your heart and strong, and it’s been such a delight to see your relationships with your uncles growing. 

Spencer, thank you for continuing to be playful and fun with me others around you, and not being too cool to give me hugs on the regular.  Thank you for helping people in need, even if no one else sees them, without being asked or expecting praise for doing so.  Thank you for being willing to learn new skills and help with different projects that you can do now that you’re older.  Thank you for teaching me new things. Thank you for laughing with me.  Thank you for singing car duets with me, which is hands-down one of my favorite parts of road trips.  Thank you for being you.

I pray that this year, your friendships and other peer relationships grow deeper roots. I pray you find more people to be in your tribe, with similar interests. I pray that you grow to love school and enjoy challenges and are able to let go of the burden of perfectionism.  You are enough as you are, you know.  I pray that you experience vierzehn more times joy than heartache.  I pray that you realize how brave, strong, and smart you are.  I pray that you (and I) savor the minutes, hours, days, weeks, and months this year and hold onto the goodness they bring as long as possible.

I love you.

Like…

A lot.

We’re in this together, forever.

And did I mention…

Ich liebe dich?

Immer.

Mom