Spectacular Six

Dear Norah Girl,

That's what you told me, tonight, that you want me to refer to you as when you're six- "Norah Girl."  It's to mirror that you call Spencer "Spencie Boy" and Collin "Ollie Bear," and "Norah B" is reserved for some special others in your life.  I suppose it's time I move on from calling you "Pip" or "Bubs," but I can't guarantee that it will happen.  I'll try to refer to you by the requested name though.  You said you would try to remind me.

We will see what tomorrow holds.

What I do know tonight holds, though, is a beautiful five-year-old little lady, snuggled up in the fort she made out of her bunk bed, with her new nightlight tree from Grandma plugged in and sitting at your feet.  Tonight is your last night being five.

Goodness girl, you are excited about that.

If I'm honest, your brothers, as the day went on, became a tiny bit annoyed listening to you go on and on a thousand words a minute (roughly) about how tomorrow is going to be the best day, because it's your birthday, and you will be six.  They surely couldn't wait for you to stop at bedtime, and the look in their eyes said it all.

Momma, on the other hand?  I loved listening to your excitement.

You see, this birthday... this one is different.

It sounds so cliche to blame it on this pandemic that's spreading throughout the globe, but it really is to blame for the strangeness this birthday presents to us.  School is closed, the world is nearly shut own, and we are stuck here at home while I overcome the virus that's tried to take over my lungs.  

You've been praying frequently for the last 11 days, for "corona VIRUS" to leave your momma alone.  As much as I hate the words, the way you say it, with the emphasis on the end, is just adorable.  

I'm sorry the past few weeks at home have been so hard, leading up to your birthday.  I know I've been asleep so much, sick so much, a bit crabby, and just not my normal self.

But baby girl, you've been phenomenal.  You refuse to accept that I shouldn't be with you, and you snuggle up beside me as soon as you decide you miss me.  Your brother do too, but not as much as you.  You don't want to leave my side.  I know it's partially concern, and it's a lot of loneliness.  You've always been such a social sunshine, and being isolated at home for two weeks already has been hard on you.  

I've seen you cry about missing your family, your friends, church, school, and daycare more than I care to admit.  I have held you, wishing I could make this isolation and virus go away.  

But instead, we've just been here, together.  You've been praying for me.  I've been praying for you.

I've been so worried, since school first was cancelled, that your birthday would be sad.  You see, I had taken the day off work to surprise you for lunch and in your kindergarten classroom.  I couldn't wait.  But that was taken away.

So then, I decided since I had the day off, we would surprise you with a trip to daycare to see your friends for a treat, so you could celebrate anyway.  

Then I got super sick.  And since I'm still sick, we cannot do that either.

We can't even have people over. 

But it's okay.  You've shown me over and over that my prayers surrounding your special day have been answered.  I was so worried you would be crushed by the isolation and saddened by all the losses involved.

But you haven't been crushed.  You have been a little sad.  But it won't overtake your joy.

The most beautiful thing happened this morning.  You knew that since I am still sick and we can't leave, we couldn't even get birthday decorations.

You wouldn't let that get you down.  So you made them yourself.  And you decorated the apartment with our help.  You spent the entire day just filled with joy over these decorations.  And then when someone dropped off streamers, we hung those too.  And tomorrow, there will be surprises that people have dropped off at the door, and the gifts that I ordered online- even though I couldn't leave.  And your brothers, this year, sorry babe, but they're getting some stuff too.  It's a hard time for them as well.  They'll forgive you for all the birthday talk when they see they are most definitely not forgotten or overlooked.

And tomorrow, you'll have video chats and phone calls and written messages from people who care about you.  There's even a surprise visit being planned for the deck sliding glass door.  So, it won't really be just us.  We will be the only ones in the apartment, but you will still celebrate with people who love you, because goodness darling, you love people.

Sweet Pea, you radiate joy.  Yes, you have other, strong, explosive emotions, but overall, you are just filled with joy.  You have been since the day you were born.  I think I say it every year in your letter, but God knew what He was doing when he brought you to us.  You may be the smallest, but goodness, you love like the biggest of them all.

This past year has been chaotic, beginning school, having your dad come back into your life, bringing a new family into your life as well, but you've handled it all with grace.  Yes, there have been some pretty intense struggles, but you were never broken down.  And you've become stronger, smarter, and more fierce, both good and not-as-good ways.  You've become a bit more sassy, a bit more emotionally charged, and hugely more humorous.  While you do talk... oh... pretty much non-stop, it's usually quite fun listening to you.  I especially love listening to you play with your toys by yourself.  You're so creative and come up with some of the most interesting scenarios.

You told me yesterday that someday you hope to have a daughter, and name her Maria, but also you don't want to get married and have kids so maybe you'll just have a dog named Willow.  Then you walked away.

Alright, Norah girl.  You know I love you beyond words.  I know you know I pray for you.  For this year, specifically though, I pray that you do not let the world rob you of your sunshine.  Do not let the world dull your sparkle.  Do not let the world steal your joy.  Carry on with Jesus shining in your heart, so you may carry on loving others the way that you do.  I pray that you continue to grow into your bravery.  I pray that your patience develops even more deeply.  I pray that your creativity and imagination continue to blossom and bloom.  You have so many amazing things in store for you and I cannot wait to see what invaluable treasures you bring into this world.  I pray that you know that no matter what, I am on your side, and I'll always be here, and there are countless others who feel the same.  I pray you always know God loves you more than I ever could, even though neither of us can figure out how that would be possible.

You told me today that you love me most of all.  When you walked away, I cried.

I love you, and your brothers, most of all too.

You are the best things that ever happened to me, and I am so glad that you're mine.

Happy Sixth Birthday, Baby Girl.

Love,

Momma

Day One

Today is a milestone day. It's one I don't talk about frequently, and in the past, pretty much only with people I know well.

Five years ago today was day one.  Day one of myself really taking charge of my children and my future in big ways.

Leading up to day one was almost a year of struggles and heartache and turmoil and unknowns and the world falling apart in front of us, where I felt we were just being washed up by the tide and I was trying to stay afloat and just praying we would make it by.  With the help of some dear and trusted family and friends, we did make it by, and I found the footing underneath myself to step into day one.

Day one happened at night.  One night after work at my job of 6 weeks, I came home with the children, and made the terrifying, bold, now-or-never decision to pack us up and move from our temporary shelter in a friends apartment to the new (at the time) homeless shelter, knowing our time would have to end with her soon anyway due to a lease being up, and feeling like if I didn't act, we would run out of options quickly.

So, we went, one cold winter night.

It was a temporary solution that felt like an eternity, especially the first night, as I heard my infant daughter's crying in our cold, empty bedroom, because my two-year-old son had woke up screaming and terrified, as it echoed into the high ceilings and sounded like it would echo for eons.  We had to be up and out before the sun rose the next morning, and I had hours to waste before I had to be at work, but 90 minutes to waste before we could be let back into the doors of our temporary shelter.  The next nights weren't any better, really, and I barely slept in days.  But, we stepped out, day one, day two, and continued, one foot in front of the other, until we found a temporary apartment at the St. Francis House (which is sort of like transitional housing for the homeless) and then I had enough footing and finances to secure our permanent home, the same apartment we have been at since.

Tonight, I came home on another freezing cold night, to a warm, inviting home, where instead of hearing my baby cry echo, I hear laughter in the bedroom as the children play together happily.

We have come such a long way since that first day.

I am very proud of us for holding onto God as he helped us navigate year after year of struggle, to bring us to this fifth year, where I think we are happier and healthier in many ways than we have been since, I dare to say, before my daughter was ever born.  God is so good.

I won't continue on, I've written about this before.  If you care to read more about it, or another milestone post, you can by clicking here.

Here's an excerpt I read this evening from my journal that night.  I have to smile as I read the last sentence.  God has done just that, in more ways than one.

"Tonight, here we are. In a family room at a homeless shelter where we can’t have food or drink in our possession, our clothes had to be sanitized before we could have them, we can have no TV, and minimal personal belongings.

I know I should and shouldn’t feel both ashamed and embarrassed. I do feel both. As I walked through those doors with a few bags of clothing and a few handfuls of toys, I knew this was the bottom or very close to it. I feel betrayed by myself and my marriage and my hope and my faith.

As I laid down beside my two toddlers tonight to help them relax and fall asleep, I sang to them, and their eyes quickly closed. My tears started flowing, and I realized that my heart is still so full of love. I feel beaten, but I feel brave. I have been told for years I am strong. People admire my strength and my outlook.

Tonight, I am tested. I am at the edge of my strength and my positive outlook. But, I am going to take that leap of faith that miracles will happen and my children and I will have a home soon. I have faith that my credit can be restored. Someone will give is a chance. It won’t always be this. I won’t always be at the bottom.  I am seeking strength like never before. Strength I don’t know that I have. I am praying endlessly for miracles. God can redeem this all, and maybe if I’m so fortunate, my children will have a mended family someday too."

The last single digit birthday for my first baby

Dearest Spencer,

This is your last night being eight. Tomorrow, you’re nine. Nine is the last single digit birthday. It’s hard to believe that it has been that many years since I laid in bed, crying both tears of excitement at your scheduled arrival the next day and tears of fear and worry that I wouldn’t be a good enough mom to you. That’s right. I prayed and longed for you most of my life, but the night before you were to finally meet us, I was terrified that I would fail you.

Truthfully, that’s been my fear every day since. I hadn’t thought about it really until that night nine years ago, when it completely overwhelmed me, but it’s been in my mind at some point almost every single day since.

God has reached me multiple times, of course, and reminded me who I am, my calling, who you are, and how perfectly equipped we both are to live this life together.

He made us for one another, you know.

Photo Copyright : Seize the Day Photography & Video

I made you, inside of me.

But you, my son, made me who I am, also inside of me.

You made me a mom, and as the two of us have discussed multiple times, we have been learning what that means, every day, together.

My brave boy, thank you for your patience as I continue to learn and embrace this calling upon my life.

I know this year, again, has brought us some struggles, but I think overall, it was a pretty good year of learning who we both are. I have watched you develop a new sense of confidence and really show me that when you set your mind to something that interests you, you can do amazing things.  Watching you succeed in taekwondo, for example, is one of those things and it brings me such great joy.

I’ve been so proud as I have watched your grades excel and hearing almost all positive reports from your teacher at school. Seeing you interact with kids on the playground and school functions has shown me you’re  coming out if your shell more this year. It’s been a delight to witness.

I’ve have also seen you grow over the year in your love for babies and toddlers, who up until this point, have made you a bit uneasy. This shows me your confidence and security are growing.

I love seeing your compassion for others continuing to grow, like when you suggest we pray fir people, donate things we don’t need, or when you snuck your arm around me at the theater watching the remake of “Lion King” and tried to console me while I sniffled away watching Mufasa die, even though we all knew it was coming.

That’s not to say that we haven’t had our issues and had things we have been working through. I know we struggle with the fact that you are feeling bigger and older now, and your conversations and tone of voice are occasionally something we are at odds about. I know also that as you continue to mature, there will be more awkward and in between quirks and things we will continue to navigate. I pray we both continue to have the patience to navigate these challenging waters we have up ahead.

I try not to think about it too much, but I know that ten is right around the bend, as well as a lot of big changes for your mind and body. I pray for wisdom and understanding for us both as those days come along.

I know that you struggle with your thoughts and emotions sometimes, especially when it comes to letting people in and sharing whats on your heart and your mind.  I am so proud of you for the growth you've exhibited in this area in the last year.

I also love watching you fulfill your role as a big brother.  You often have patience with your brother who tries every ounce of it and gets on your nerves more than you would like, but who is also one of your best playmates and someone who understands you better than most anyone in this world. I am so proud of you in that when he is being bullied, you've begun to stand strong and firm for him. You are a protector and leader for your little sister who adores you like no other.  They're both blessed to have you.

Thank you, dear boy, for still letting me hug you throughout the day  and give you kisses at bedtime. Thank you for the random snuggles and cuddles that I refuse to fully acknowledge are growing more scarce.  Thank you for all the random tidbits of information you share with me, because sometimes they're things I didn't already know, and I love knowing random things.  Thank you for making me laugh.  Thank you for challenging me to follow through with things that I expect of you all, like kind voices even when we are upset.

Spencer, I pray that year nine is a year of countless blessings. I pray you hear God speak to you, to help you understand your purpose in this world.  I pray that you continue to find your passions.  I pray that you continue to develop your drive.  I pray that you find the courage and strength to embrace your emotions, your fears, and your worries, and to find the words to let others know what bothers your heart when you're in a space feeling down.  I pray that this year you laugh like no other, that you sing your heart out, and that you explore and learn so much that you feel the world open up like it never has before.  I pray that you can stand up to peer pressure and know in your heart that you have it in you to do what is right, even when it's hard.  I pray that others can see the light inside of you, the one I see and know is there.  I pray that you realize that you are leaving a brilliant mark on this world.  I pray protection over you as you go, each day, into this big world that's continuing to expand all around you.

I pray you never doubt your worth.

I pray that you always know you are loved.

Dear son, I am so grateful you're mine.

 Happy Birthday when you wake, my first baby boy.

Love always, mom.

My Ollie Bear turns Seven

My dear Collin,

Tonight, I left you with your grandma to finish out being six (and a half) years old, doing things that you love- playing with sticks, glow-sticks and sand, camping and enjoying nature. Tomorrow, I'll come back to you, and you will be seven.

You are so excited to be seven!

This past year has been a year of much growth for you, not only physically, having grown over half an inch in the last six months, but also socially and emotionally. You've begun to really get a better grasp on your emotions and have become much better at not giving in when kids are trying to get you riled up, walking away, and taking control of your actions. This summer, you joined (along with your sister) your older brother in taekwondo. It is so fun to watch your progress!

You've become an amazing reader, and you spent over 1,600 minutes reading books this summer. Your vocabulary, reading comprehension, and retention have all skyrocketed. You are full of random knowledge, but you especially love all types of science. You are so very smart!  Your laughter is like electric joy bubbling up from your belly and lighting up the air around you, whether you're being tickled, playing with friends, or telling your favorite joke about butt-quacks. It's true, you think butts are hilarious. I've learned to accept this.

This you've been working on your bravery and patience, and you've come such a long way. You make me so proud.  You have overcome a nearly paralyzing fear of bees and flies and spent so much of the summer basically carefree and enjoying the sunshine!

Lately, I've been seeing more of my influences in your life, and it makes me so excited to see how I've shaped you. You have become quite an artist, you've an amazing candid and matter-of-fact sense of humor, your compassion is still ever-growing, and as I've mentioned, you are so very smart. I love to see these attributes shining through!

I love how fiercely you love. 

As is always the case in life, the year presented it's share of challenges. We have fought together to overcome each of them, and I believe we've built a solid foundation and your trust in me never leaving you and always being for you has really solidified.  I have said it so many times- you will have me for as long as we have together. I will love you forever, no matter what.

I know that you have days you feel you are different, that you don't fit in, and on your hardest days, that people don't like you. I pray continually that these feelings subside and are replaced with the truth- that you are wonderfully and perfectly made and wholly loved. I love you so much, and although you struggle with your brother and sister sometimes, as all siblings do, they love you with their entire hearts, too. We are a family and we love unconditionally.

I tell you and your siblings each night that you're the best things that ever happened to me and that I'm so glad you are mine. That is an absolute truth that you can fall back on every day of your life. 

I also remind you daily that Jesus is always in your heart, God is always with you, and his angels always watch over you. That's another truth to stand firm on.

I am excited to see what year seven has in store for you, you bright, shining star. I know there are such wonderful things in store for you, and that God is going to bless you greatly in countless ways. I pray that as the days go by, you are strengthened in your self-image and confidence, that you find yourself rooted firmly in the truth that you are loved, that your bravery, patience, and self-control continue to blossom as we have seen them lately. I pray that you continue to find wonderful, positive friendships, and that the words you may hear from people who are unkind fall quickly from your mind and never once hurt your heart. I pray that you continue to be a light to others and that your huge, golden heart overflows daily with the love for those around you.

Ollie Bear, you are a treasure, and I am so blessed that I get to call you my own. I'll see you in the morning, buddy. We will have cake for breakfast.

Love you always, 

Mom

Photo Courtesy Seize the Day Photography and Video

There they go.

Today was a big day in our household.   Everyone woke early with all sorts of nervous, excited anticipation of what was to come- the very first day of school, where all three siblings would be in the same elementary school.  They'll continue on there for a few more years together, but this year, the oldest is a 3rd grader, the middle is a 1st grader, and the youngest started kindergarten.

I woke early and began praying over my babies before their eyes ever opened.  Last night was rough for Norah, as she laid her head on her pillow, she started crying. I asked why and she gave me a reason, but I didn't think it was the real reason, so I asked if she was nervous for school.  She shook her head yes and began crying, unleashing all of her worries and fears.  She had been putting up a brave face for a while, and it was good, although almost unbearable to walk through, the flood gates opening wide.  I prayed overnight that she would be filled with peace in the morning.

Each of my babies put on their first day of school clothing in a hurry, and sat at the table, full of giggles and smiles as I finished preparing for the day.  We then headed out front for our annual first day photos.  We had time to spare, so little miss asked if we could go to daycare and she could surprise her best friend (my coworker) before school, like we have visited her for almost every day for five years.  She was so excited to open the door and jump through and give her hugs before school started.  Then, we met up with their dad who gave them his well wishes on his way to work, and off we went to find a parking spot fairly close to the school.  We managed to be only about two blocks away.



The walk, as it was two years ago, and three years ago, was pretty quiet.  The children shuffled along in a line at first, and then two in front, and then three all together, as we neared the school.   When we were about a block away, big brother bear Spencer insisted he hold his little sister's hand the rest of the way.

We got to the playground and, as usual, it was filled with all sorts of excited and nervous energy, happy laughter, tearful smiles, and people all over the place.  Collin immediately found his class line and some friends, and we almost had to beg him for a hug each before he told us to have a good day and went off on his own.  Norah and I walked Spencer to his line and hugged him, before she transferred her hand from his to mine.  She hadn't said much yet, so I asked if she was excited and she gave a quiet "yes" while looking shocked at the amount of people around her.  Eventually, she spotted some of the kids she has spent most of her life with at daycare, and hugged them, finally excited for the day to come.

We found her line and stood together, and I asked if we could take a picture together.  She said yes, and we both smiled at the phone.  As soon as I had the photo taken, she turned to hug me, and the bell rang.  Lines started moving inside, and she began to cry.  She was scared, she was nervous, and she was afraid she would miss me all day.  She didn't know if she could do it.  I held her close and reminded her she's brave and that she would see me in a few hours.  I nearly had to peel her off of my torso, before she released enough to be just holding my hand, and I walked her as far as I could to the door.

As she went inside, I realized I was crying, too.

I cried on the way to work.  I calmed myself enough to go inside.

Then her best friend asked me if we made it through okay.  I said yes, but my voice was already crying. 

I was okay for three hours before I cried again.

The hardest part was that I couldn't just hear her voice, text her teacher upstairs to check on her, or walk there myself.  I knew I wouldn't just randomly see her in the hallway.  She was far away with a teacher I don't really know, for the first time ever.  Almost five years in the same building is a hard tradition to break.

I received a text from a friend who works at the school, saying she saw Miss Norah and she was doing amazing.   I felt so much better.

Both Spencer and Norah visited me at work briefly after school and said they had great days.  At the end of the day, Collin reported the same.  I was also told that Norah was so kind at school that there was another little girl crying at recess because she missed her mom so much, and Norah helped her to feel better.  My heart about burst.

I knew it was going to be okay.  I knew what I told myself the other night- it was time to let her go and spread her light, her love, and her joy at the school.

Tonight, as I sit here, all three sound asleep within minutes after a long and overwhelming day, and I am filled with anticipation at hearing what will come of their lives, all in the elementary school, shining their light.  I pray that they will make the world a better, brighter place.  I let them all go.    I have tears on my face as I realize the younger years are done, the baby days will never be back, and their journeys are well underway. I pray I've done well in preparing them.

I know they'll make me proud.