Gazing at the verge of sixteen

 Dearest Spencer,

Right now, it's dark and quiet in a cozy cabin, the four of us together in one tiny little space, and we are teetering on the time that Halloween ends and your birthday begins. 

It's amazing that 16 years ago right now, I had never seen your face or wrapped my arms around you, but I laid awake in bed, torn between being elated that you were not going to be born on Halloween (because before I met you, it was actually a holiday I didn't enjoy) and terrified that you would be in my arms so very soon. I panicked that I wouldn't be a good enough mother, that I would bring you into the world and somehow fail you, worried I wouldn't be enough. 

Now, here we are, the night where 15 year-old Spencer grows into a 16 year-old version. We've revisited this tradition so many times now, but every time we get here it feels like it can't be real. I don't know how we fit 15 full years into approximately 8 deep breaths... But we did. 

I try not to let time be the thief so many proclaim that he is, but sometimes I'm not strong enough to resist the feeling. Tonight, that reality threatened to stop me in my tracks as I sat beside you in the car, realizing so suddenly that I was depths beyond simple gratitude that I have had 15 of these evenings with you, where each year you relished the youthful whimsy of costumes and candy, delighting in the realization that for one more year, you chose these traditions and held onto childhood just a little tighter for a time. 

Simultaneously, I wanted to cry at the threat of letting it go that we flirt with each passing year. One of these times you will choose something new, and my heart may break in bittersweet agony. But... This year, I was safe from that confrontation. 

Spencer, you are my joy. You bring me such enormous pride as I see and experience the young man you are becoming. 

You are kind. 

You are thoughtful. 

You are smart. 

You are brave. 

You are creative. 

You are relatable. 

You are incredible. 

I see you interacting with strangers with courtesy and respect, and my heart just aches in joyful relief as I realize that despite all this life has thrown our way, it seems that I really was enough. I didn't fail you. 

We are a good team. 

Sixteen seems so much older somehow and sounds so much more mature than fifteen. I feel like I should have so many more profound things to say at this milestone, but what I find myself wanting to say is simple. 

Spencer, I love you. You make this world a better place. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I'm so glad you're mine. 

My prayers this year follow the trails of years past, and I just want you to know, simply, I pray for nothing but the absolute best for you, in every way, my dear, sweet boy. 

Thank you for sixteen (plus) years of memories, hugs, growth, companionship, and myriads of treasure.

I love you. 

Mom