Six in the Center

Mister Collin,

Tonight, you are still five.

But six years ago, at this time, I lay in the hospital, wondering just who I was going to meet in the morning.  At 2:11am, I found out that my second little miracle birth was a second little boy.  Born with a tightly cinced, stacked, undetected double-knot in your umbilical cord, it was decided that God and his angels had clear protection over you.  From the moment God created you, you were a warrior.

I see that more and more each year.

This past year has been a rollercoaster ride on many levels.  You and I have had our struggles, you've had your own struggles, our little family has had struggles... but we have had SO MUCH JOY.  We have laughed until we've wheezed and cried.  We have loved until our hearts might explode.  We have sung as loud as we can over and over again.  We have made so many memories, both a little terrifying, like just a few weeks ago when I thought I lost you, and a couple weeks later when I saved you from drowning, and jubilant like when we pet sharks and held snakes, or did cannonballs into the pool together, just to name a few recent ones.

You, my little man, are incredible.  You have overcome so many things the world has thrown against you, and you still walk tall with eyes filled with light and joy.  You don't let anything get you down for too long. You're quick to apologize, and quick to forgive.  You take your mistakes, and you try, most of the time, to learn and move forward.  We all struggle with this, so I understand how sometimes that's just too hard.

You've been working hard at managing the huge emotions in your little heart and mind.  

You are so smart. Sometimes, I feel like you've taught me more this year than I have taught you.  You are always filling our days with random facts, especially about animals.  It never ceases to amaze me how you hold information so well.  

I've learned just how highly you think of me, and it has come in perfect times when I felt like I might be failing you.  I've been told by sources you confide in, and it gives me such strength.

I know we've had tough times.  I won't dwell on those, though.  We strive to choose joy, day in and day out.  

I've felt, since you were a baby, that you would be a big brother, and therefore, a middle child.  You're in the center of your siblings, and it's a perfect fit for you.  You're a fun little brother, a little ornery at times, but you're also a fun big brother too.  You're a protector to both of your siblings, and you don't hesitate for a moment to stand up to anything coming against them when you see that it's wrong.

I know that five was a heavy, busy, fun, difficult, brilliant, joy-filled year of growth and challenges.   I know realistically that six may be similar.  But the best part is that we face each day with hope, with joy, with love, with grace, with God, family, and friends.  Six is going to be amazing.

This year, you've experienced the finality of death and end of life.  I know that it weighs on your heart sometimes, and we have been talking about turning six, which brings conflicting emotions.  I know you struggle with realizing that you won't live forever, and turning six tomorrow makes you feel like your life is flying by.  I feel the same.  It's gone way too quickly, and will continue you to do.  I know it scares you.  I promise to try my best to help you overcome those fears, to pray with you, and to have answers to your questions.  I pray for peace in your heart when you worry.

I pray for joy- an over abundance of joy.  I pray for laughter that echoes in our minds forever.  I pray for strength. I pray for courage.  I pray for peace.  I pray that each and every day you see just how wonderful you are.  I pray that when you feel like things in the world are against you, you remember who is always FOR you.  I pray that you feel comfort in my arms every day, and love enveloping your every breath.  I pray this for you, and I pray it for your siblings too.  I know how lately, you like things to be equal like that.  *wink*

I love that time keeps passing and your looks keep changing, but some things haven't changed at all- like the pure excitement and joy, and reckless abandon in which you embrace the people you love after you haven't seen them for a little while, whether it be hours, days, weeks, or months.  You're basically famous for your full-contact, full-force, full-body hugs, whether it's at home, daycare, church, or family settings.  There's not a doubt in anyone's mind when you love them.  It may catch us off-guard sometimes if we aren't quite ready, but it's a beautiful, wonderful thing to see just how fully you love.

You have great, wonderful, amazing, untold things in store for you, my little miracle in the center.  As much as I hate that time keeps passing by so quickly, I cannot wait to see what God has in store for you.

I love you.  You (and your siblings) are the best thing that's ever happened to me.

And, I don't know if I've told you this recently, but I will never grow tired hearing you say that right back to me.

As you laid down tonight, with your new stuffed Rex in your arm that you let my friend autograph today, then flexed to show us how cool you were, I watched the juxtaposition of little-big drifting off to sleep before my eyes.  Please stay little-big just a little-lot longer if you can.  

You make me so proud, Ollie Bear.

Love,

Mommy

Peek-a-Boo, Baby!

Surprise!

Yes, that's right. Our family of four is going to become a family of five. 

As you may (or maybe do not) know, I struggle with infertility, specifically, Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), and after three years, started seeking assistance from a reproductive endocrinologist. It took a few months before finding the proper treatment, and after two cycles of Letrizol, my husband and I conceived our first miracle. Spencer was born on November 1, 2010.

We decided we were "ready" to expand our family again around the time that Spencer was six months old. We conceived a few cycles after starting on the same regimens, however, we were devastated by the loss of our second miracle baby during the first trimester of the pregnancy in September 2011.

After a couple of months letting my body heal, we conceived out third miracle, with the assistance of Letrizol, Metformin, and Progesterone. Collin was born on September 1, 2012.

We are so blessed.

While giving birth to Collin, I told Jake I would like to wait a little longer (at least a year longer) in-between Collin and our potential fourth miracle.

Well, sometimes, God has other plans.

Honestly, we were "trying" not to get pregnant. After I was no longer nursing Collin, my cycles were fairly regular for the first time ever (without medical assistance), so I was charting and planning around when it was the time of expected ovulation. Just in case by some crazy odds, I actually was ovulating on my own.

The beginning of August arrived, and according to my calculations, my period should have. I dismissed it as my body going back to its old unpredictable ways. But after I was about 7 days late, Jake and a couple close friends suggested that maybe, just maybe, I should test.

So, August 3, in the evening, I took an ept test. That's the "error proof test" brand.

And, ironically, the test produced an error. Malfunctioned. No line in the control window. The test window read negative so I told myself it was probably negative, and decided I would take the other one in the morning, and then my period would finally show up.

Well, early morning, Sunday, August 4, that test stunned me.

STUNNED ME.

I told myself the test was not reliable since the first one of the box was a failure. But my support system remained unconvinced, and later that day, I took another.

Jake was thrilled. The close friends I told were thrilled and shocked. 

I was terrified.

Not because I don't want another baby, because I do. But I kept telling myself that we aren't ready. With all the struggles we've been going through the last year, the timing was just not great.

But I was told by each person something along the lines of "God sees the bigger picture. His plan is not our own. You will be okay. This is a blessed miracle!"

I didn't want to tell my parents until I knew for sure, because I was not completely convinced. Also, I was very emotional yet. But two blood tests confirmed I am indeed pregnant again.

Two ultrasounds have shown me this amazing miracle. I've seen the heartbeat. 

My labs, for the first time ever, are excellent. 

I'm finally embracing it. It's sinking in. I'm preparing my heart and mind for this adventure.

And I'm still scared. Scared if we will be able to handle it. Terrified that we could lose this baby too.

But I'm choosing to be hopeful. I'm choosing to rely on God's bigger picture. I'm now choosing to publicly rejoice.

Join us, in prayers and joy, if you would love to!

I'm approximately 7.5 weeks pregnant. It's still a risky time. But, Baby Boo is looking healthy, and preparing to arrive in April 2014.

Special thank you to my friend Staci of Something Clicked Photography (http://www.facebook.com/SomethingClickedPhotography) for helping us with this special announcement!