I wish I wasn't writing this. I contemplated not writing this. But, I felt like not writing it was harder than writing it now.
I gave it a month, even though, I was pretty sure, one month ago today, almost exactly to the minute, I felt I knew what was coming. I prayed against what felt like the inevitable at this point, but I prayed knowing that prayer does work, not always, but sometimes. I know it worked once in this situation. I guess, in my heart of hearts, I know God is a God of miracles, and prayer could bring radical change again. Yet, at the same time, I'm being practical, and releasing my breath and realizing that for now, this is reality.
You see, for some reason that I fail to understand, one month ago tonight, my children's father disappeared from them, again. He came back to them on December 26, 2017. He walked out on them again, almost six months later, to the date.
I wasn't in town, but he had plans to see them with someone I trust dearly. Up until a few hours beforehand, he was still planning on seeing them. And then.. he just didn't show. I reached out to him to find out if he was okay (the bitterness inside me, truthfully, swelled up and I asked him if he was dead), or what had happened. A few days later, feeling it was the case, I asked if this meant he was done and walking on out again. No reply to either. I tried two more times, the most recently, last night. I pointed out that today marks a month. There is still dead silence.
I know he is out there. I know he's active online, and while I can't be certain his phone works or he hasn't changed his number, I know he knows my name, and my phone number hasn't changed in years.
He's abandoned them again.
I find myself quite emotional this week. I have known all along this was a distinct possibility, but I threw it all in and allowed him back in the children's lives, with the mentality that no matter what happened, whether he was here for good or gone again, we would get through it. We already walked through hell in regard to this, and we made it through, because of God and his blessings of support. I knew it would be "easier" this time, as "easy" as something like this could be for four hearts that aren't jaded and cold.
But that doesn't seem to make it better.
I'm currently at a point of both thankfulness and despair, pride and humiliation, hope and hopeless. The part of me that has Christ dwelling inside has a positive spin on it, but my more practical, emotional, momma bear side is angry and negative. It's a battle. Yes, I'm going through a battle.
But, I'm a warrior. I have to remind myself of that even though I feel like laying in my bed and throwing a toddler inspired tantrum.
As I said, I knew it could all fall apart. But, truthfully, I thought it would be either right away, or years down the road.
I didn't think he would get bored with his children this soon.
Is he bored with them? I don't know.
I wish I could understand how someone I "knew" so well for so many years could be this way. I wish I understood what, in a matter of hours, changed his entire plan. I wish I could decide if he was incapable of making good decisions, or just chooses not to. I wish there wasn't silence. The silence, again, makes it even worse.
People have started noticing and asking me about his involvement in their lives and our lack of discussion on the matter. I am hoping that these questions continue to be directed solely to me, not in the presence of my children.
My children, heaven bless them, are starting to notice his absence. I don't know if they noticed or felt it right away, because they've been very normal, happy, and truthfully haven't asked about him or mentioned him until this week. Actually, so far, our three-year-old daughter is the only one who has. But, I feel it's coming with the birthdays and milestones up ahead. I am at a crux, wondering if I should confront the issue head on and prepare them, or wait and see when they're ready to talk about it. I don't really want to assault them with the realization if they haven't come to it on their own yet.
Also, this probably goes without saying, but... please do not speak ill or negatively of their father in their presence at any time. Whatever their opinions are to be of him, those need to be formed by their own minds, through their own experiences.
I am so torn, right now, emotionally and faithfully. I want to find comfort, knowing that God will get us through, provide, restore and heal our hearts, minds, and souls. But I'm a bit angry. I'm not angry at God, because I know their father has free will, and is choosing his own path away from his children and away from God. I know this. I know in my heart that I did do the right thing letting him back into their lives, even though it hurts to be where we are now. I know God wanted me to forgive him. I know God wanted my children to know their father again, for our daughter to create happy memories with him, because up until now, she had no recollection of her own and relied solely on her brothers or word of mouth from other people who knew her dad. I know God wanted to show my oldest son that He does in fact listen and answer prayers. I truly believe that his reappearance in our lives last year was God ordained, and for good and not harm.
I try not to blame myself for the fallout. In the past, I've been so good at taking the blame, from their father, for things like this. I KNOW I didn't cause the heartbreak that's to come by allowing them the opportunity to have their dad for a while. I KNOW that is on their father. But that's something I have to remind myself every time he crosses my mind, because I also know the enemy wants me to take it all back on myself. I did open the door, but I did not cause him to walk back out.
I know that my children will know I tried.
But it doesn't mean this doesn't hurt. It hurts my heart for my kids.
It hurts so much. It feels like I'm being crushed again, admitting this all "aloud."
I pray that my children's minds and hearts will be protected from severe trauma if their dad really is gone for good this time. I pray that they'll still believe in God, in his miracles, in the power of prayer and that this does not negatively affect their faith and relationship with Jesus. I pray they'll still feel overwhelming love and know that they're surrounded by it even if their dad walked out on them again. I pray that someday, God will truly, wholly restore their father. I pray that I will be able to forgive him again.
If you pray, please do.
I found myself, tonight, as I sifted through my thoughts, trying to find scripture to calm my heart. This is the one that spoke to me the most. I'm trying to just do what I am often (but not always) able to do, and find peace and solace in my Father's words and promises.
But, I'm not perfect, and it's hard.
I know we will be okay. And I know I need to give it all to God. But, I think I also know that my imperfect, human side may still need to cry about it, talk about it, and maybe need a hug or a shoulder at some point. Maybe. Or maybe not. Guess we will see. But, I think that's okay, too.