Dearest Boy of Mine,
Tomorrow is my anniversary. It’s my anniversary of motherhood. I joked with you tonight about how I should get a present every year on November 1, because it’s my big day- the day I became a mom. You and your siblings laughed and told me “NO!”
The joke in it is the reality that I don’t need a gift- my gift is you. You were the child I prayed so fervently for, the baby I dreamed of, the baby I longed for from the depths of my soul from the time I was a teenager, at least. You were the baby I fought against my own body to create and grow, and you were the miracle that God gave me back in 2010.
Spencer, you are becoming such a wonderful young man. It baffles my mind that you have been in my physical presence for eleven years now, because it does not seem possible that we have had that many days together on this earth. It sounds like such a long, long time, but it feels like a fraction of a second simultaneously.
I think you’ve grown six inches in the last year, because when you stand beside me, it feels like you’re almost my height. I know there’s only six more inches to go before you surpass me, and I’m a little afraid that will happen by the time your birthday rolls back around next year. One thing I love about you is that even though you’ve grown so much, your bright blue eyes have remained the same. I always thought they would fade away into some other color, but they’ve stayed the same eyes as they were when you were a baby, which means when I look into them, it feels like home and it’s possibly the most familiar and constant love I have ever found on this earth.
As is often the case during the pre-teen years, I know you’re still searching to figure out who you are deep inside and to see your place in this great big world. I know all too well the ways you may feel awkward or peculiar, or an outsider in your own surroundings. I promise you it will not always feel that way. I also promise you that you are so much stronger, smarter, braver, kinder, wiser, and compassionate that you give yourself credit for.
I wish you could see yourself through the eyes of the many people who love you dearly and strive to build you up. The way your teacher proclaims your brilliant intellect, creativity, wit, and skills brings me such pride and joy. Your musical abilities are magnificent, as you continue to learn two different instruments, while having great vocal capabilities in both singing, and even more surprising and new- beat boxing. Watching you freestyle beat box with our pastor was one of the highlights in this year’s memory lane reel, that’s for sure. I love your sharp sense of humor and hearing you laugh hysterically when something hits you just right. Your collection of trivial knowledge is astounding and interesting to me all at the same time, and I surely see myself in you when you drop a random fact about a random subject at a random time.
I find an overwhelming sense of pride when you will drop whatever you are doing to help someone in need, whether it is running across the blacktop at school when you notice some random student drops their papers in the wind, or the way your hand flew up in the air at the call to sponsor a child overseas at the concert we went to a week ago. You offer a helping had, an extra dollar, a hug, a snack, and so many more things when you see a need and know you can meet a need. It’s one of the most beautiful things about your soul.
I know we’ve had our share of struggles again this year, as we do any year, but I love that it doesn’t keep us from having a great relationship overall. Sometimes, let’s be honest, you’re a little moody with me or I’m a little too uncool for you, but that’s okay. It’s all part of the journey. Sometimes, I’m also a little too crabby for you, and it’s understandable that there’s friction sometimes. It’s normal that we disagree on things like technology usage or privileges, and I know you think I’m too strict when I adhere to rules and consequences, but it all resolves back down to the fact that no matter what, we know we have each other, and our love is strong. Some days it’s hard. Other days it’s so easy and carefree. I’m thankful for each day, no matter what it brings, tears or laughter, no matter what. Do not forget it, and do not let me forget it, either.
I am so sorry that there are things that have happened this year that have caused you fear, anxiety, worry, or pain, especially at the beginning of the year on that day you begged me to see a doctor because I couldn’t stand or walk without crying or screaming out in pain. Then I was just gone, and you didn’t know if or when you’d see me at home again, and it was another way you were afraid that I would die, like Covid the year before. I know that it was a trying time for everyone in our lives, but that as the oldest child in the family, you felt a unique and special burden, while I was gone, and again while we were reunited at home and I was (and still am) healing. I know. I promise you, I understand, and I’m sorry that in some ways you may have felt cheated out of the carefree joy and freedom of childhood. I CAN promise you that even through it all, good things have come and will continue to blossom within you because of the unique circumstances and trials you have faced in your life. I can guarantee more and new trials will find their way into your life, but I pray that you’ll always have your firm foundation in faith, followed by family and love, to see you through.
I pray continually that you’ll always know you are treasured, loved, and wanted, not only by your Abba God, but by your mother, father, siblings, family, and friends. I know that you perceive your value to be less than some days, but I promise you, you’re worth more than all the gold in the world to many in this life. I pray that you are able to hear God’s voice and feel the Spirit guiding you toward goodness and truth, and your are able to grasp his mercy and grace and to share those things with your own self like you do to others. I pray that you are able to begin to clearly see your intellectual and creative magnificence, and that you embrace those aspects about yourself. There are so many great things ahead for you, and while I would love for you to stay this young just a little bit longer, I am quite excited to see your story continuing to unfold.
Thank you for being such a loving son and brother to your siblings, grandson, nephew, cousin, and friend to those around you. You really, truly, are a treasure to us all.
