Spencer,
I don’t think that the 15th birthday is considered some monumental milestone, typically, but for some reason, in my heart, it feels like a major birthday somehow. Perhaps, it’s because I know what you’ve been through all these years, and seeing you, a wise, caring, humorous, generous, and loving young man, feels like more than just a dream come true.
I know YOU don’t always feel that way about yourself, but lucky for you, I’m here.
“Cause when you’re fifteen and somebody tells you you they love you, you’re gonna believe them…”
It’s a song lyric. While I know the song isn’t about parental love, as I powered on my iPad to write to you, as you drift off to sleep after an exhausting week, that lyric burst into my mind.
I love you.
I hope you believe it.
The end of that song goes “But I’ve found time can heal most anything, and you just might find who you’re supposed to be. I didn’t know who I was supposed to be at fifteen.”
I pray that for you, my wonderful son. I believe there is absolute truth in those words.
I didn’t know who I was at fifteen either. I do now.
I am your mom.
I am your friend.
I am your safety.
I am your champion.
I am yours.
As you know, I dreamt of you forever. I hoped for you for decades. I’ve told you more than once, and I will tell you again- you were the miraculous answer to my deepest prayers.
You’re everything I imagined, and so much more…
…and to see joy in your eyes brings me elation that I cannot describe.
Like tonight, when unexpectedly, you were given a gift I’m not sure you dared to dream for, and held your guitar in your hands. When I handed it to you almost two weeks ago in the guitar shop, I just knew it had to be yours. I knew I had to make it happen…
..and it did. The guitar that is years older than you, but somehow was made specifically for you, is yours. And such beautiful moments happened shortly after, when you sat down with your uncle, your siblings, and your cousins, and musical memories formed, filling the room. I watched you playing, singing along with them, with tears in my eyes.
I know it doesn’t probably feel like it yet, but right in front of me, I’m watching you find who you are. I love who you are. Quite frankly, you’re one of my very favorite people on this planet.
The teenage years are complex, no doubt, but I love the general, genuine ease of our relationship. I love that we can laugh together, cry together, be quiet together, be noisy together… be…. together, and there is no conflict or strife, even on harder days. It’s a God thing, no doubt.
When you read this, you will officially be fifteen. As you go about your days this year, I want you to know I’m still always praying for you- for healing your hurts, for increasing your joys. I pray that you find deep, meaningful friendships, and people you can call your tribe. I pray that your interests and passions expand and deepen. I pray that the music you create is rooted in your soul and brings fire to your spirit like it does when I hear you play. I pray that your sense of humor never fades, and your smile only brightens. I pray that you feel anchored in who you are and never feel lost in this crazy world. I pray that you believe only the truth about who you are and not the lies that the enemy wants you to latch onto.
Thank you for the hugs, every day. You know you hug me more than anyone else in the world, right? I love it, more than you know.
Thank you for making fun of me and keeping me humble.
Thank you for all of these years.
You are loved, more than you’ll ever know.
You are worthy.
I’m so glad you’re mine.
I love you.
Forever and ever, amen.
Mom
