Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Confessions of a "bad mom."

I must admit. Most of the time, I feel like I'm doing a pretty good job at mommy-hood. I mean, it seems pretty obvious Spencer adores me, he smiles at me all the time and calms at my voice. He loves to snuggle with me so much that he'll inch his way upward on my chest so that he's snug up against my neck, and he'll even try to squirm a bit higher than that before I pull him back down (gently) to where I find it the most comfortable.

But there are times when I have these "I'm a bad mom" thoughts running through my head.

For example, last night, he was a bit fussy. I had a terrible, splitting headache, and Jake had worked a long day and got home super late, so when Spencer started getting hungry and fussy at 1am, I got up and fed him, but found myself crying the entire time because my head hurt so badly. Then, he wouldn't fall asleep, and I tried everything I could to get him to. He was obviously tired as his eyes were very heavy, and I was calmed down by this point, but I couldn't him to sleep. Eventually, around 4:00am, I left him in his crib to fuss it out. He did after about ten minutes, and slept until 4:44.

Of course, when I nudged at Jake in bed to see if he could get SJ this time, he barely acknowledged me (I think he was very sound asleep which baffles me because Spencer was loud), so I started crying again as soon as I stood up and my head was pounding, as I went to change the diaper and start the process all over.

This time, I couldn't contain my tears, and after half the bottle, I walked back to the bedroom with Spencer in hand and begged Jake to take him.

As I lay in bed trying to fall asleep, but unable at the same time, I kept thinking, "I am kind of a bad mom, I just cry and cry while I'm trying to feed him and get him to not cry, yeah, my head hurts, but seriously, I'm kind of ridiculous."

There are times I feel like I could really use a vacation. I feel bad about that. I mean, for years I prayed and hoped for this little boy, and now he's here, and I want to get away from him? Yeah, sometimes I do. Not forever, but hey, for an hour? Maybe two? Sometimes I would like to get away for six hours, just to sleep non-stop and not have to worry about him or hear him cry. When I admit these things to myself, I feel really badly. But, I have to tell myself, it's only wishing them every once in a while, and not permanently, and hey, every mom needs a break once in a while, right?

Jake gets a night away once a week, in a hotel, for work. Not the best atmosphere for him, I'm sure.

I have been away from Spencer for 57 minutes since his birth. I mean away as in not in the same household as him. I have been "away" from him, in different rooms and such, many times, but I've only left without him once, for 57 minutes, to run to the post office. Sometimes, I feel a burden when leaving, because I always have to pack him up and bring him with. I don't like admitting that, but it's true.

Jake went to the mall on Sunday, alone, leaving me with Spencer. I had wished, in a way, it was me doing the shopping for my brothers. I felt bad about that, too. I feel like Jake can leave whenever he wants without a second thought because it's my responsibility to feed and take care of SJ. I know that's not totally true, it's obviously a responsibility for Jake too, but let's face it, a newborn is usually attached to his mother's hip.

I feel many times throughout the week that I'm totally unimportant. It is my honor and blessing to make Spencer the most important one in our family, and I have no qualms with that whatsoever. It's a joy to me. But then there's the dog, then I feel like Jake comes next, because he works and provides income so we have food and a place to live, and then there's all the dishes and the laundry and the cleaning, and sometimes, if I remember, I find time to nap. I try to remember to eat all my meals and drink enough fluids. And when Jake asks me how I am doing, I feel bad admitting that I have a horrible headache, or my back is killing me, or my shoulders, and what have you.

And I also feel a little shameful when I think about how I'd really like to go out with my husband, alone, for a few hours, where we're not just dividing up household chores or who has to change the next diaper. At the same time, I mentally kick myself for not wanting to be around my baby every waking moment of every day. Though, I know it's not healthy to be around him all the time.

Now, I don't feel depressed or that things are really that bad, but let's face it, it's not always rainbows and butterflies in mommy-hood. I knew that coming in. I just felt the need to let this all out, so that when Spencer wakes up and wants to eat in a few minutes, I can feel much better about myself.

I know I am a good mom. I just need to tell myself that when I feel stressed out.

Now, I feel much better.

Oh, and for now, the computer is fixed again. I think it's got evil trolls living in it.


  1. You don't have to feel bad for having those feelings at all, it's totally normal & every mom feels them. You shouldn't be ashamed for wanting a night out with your husband, or even for wanting a few hours away from your baby to just do something for yourself (even if it's just napping). Spencer is almost 2 months old now, I'm sure you could find a friend who would be willing to watch him some evening while you & Jake go have a nice dinner somewhere! It's important to nurture your husband/wife relationship too, and not to just get stuck in the mommy/daddy relationship. :)

  2. Exactly what Randi said. All those feelings are normal. I could have written this post. A date night would do you & Jake a world of good! I'm sure someone would be willing to keep SJ for a few hours so you two could have some quality time. Hang in there, mama. *hugs*

  3. It will be alright sooner or later I promise (you know because "I" know how it goes) I cannot wait to spend days with you and Spencer, giving you company... and you know keeping you sane. Allison said she will take Spencer while we you know "Get Drunk" just kidding. I love you, you're not a bad mother and It will be okay.

  4. Oh, and I guess he's only 1.5 months, not almost 2. :) I was calculating from the wrong baby's birthday! haha But what I wrote still holds true.

  5. My mom once told me "raising good kids is the most important thing we can ever do." I've clung to those words with my twin boys. The days when they both had the flu, or I had the flu, or just the days when I felt like I could never ever leave. I learned routine is a huge key to parenting. When we don't have to think about what's next, our body, emotions, and baby(ies), react much better. It's like getting to choose whether to go to work. If I had to choose, I wouldn't do it as often as when it is mandatory. I was lucky the boys were put on routine right away in the NICU, but I plan on doing the same thing with our little girl. Every night the same. Every day the same. Every hour somewhat mapped out (of course, be flexible). Try feeding him every 2 or 3 (depending on how often he's hungry) hours during the day no matter if he cries or not, then at night, let him wake up to eat. I found the boys slept through the night at 2 months because they were so full during the day they weren't hungry at night. Just a suggestion. Being a stay-at-home mom is the lonliest job in the world, with very little encouragement or acknowledgement. But it's the most vital job we'll ever have. Hang in there; you're doing great.

  6. You Are Doing A Super job the girls can help you out when they come out to stay Your a natural Nik Everything will be Alright PAPA WEB