Thursday, April 14, 2011

The Odd Wheel

For nearly five years, I've been in a constant struggle. I try to "give it all to God" as it comes, but I often find myself thrown back into it.

Jake has been working with Schwan's for nearly five years. For that time, he's been working really long days, 4 to 6 days a week (usually 5). At least one night a week he doesn't come home at all.

When we were dating, we were excited and enjoyed spending time with other couples, having double-dates and doing all sorts of things. It was pretty fantastic. However, when he took that job, those events were reduced pretty drastically. Usually, he has 2 days or 3 nights a week where he's around. We've had to try to divide that time between us, family, and friends. We're pretty good about it, I guess you could say, but it's not easy, nor is it fun.

The struggle I've found since he took this job is that I feel alone pretty frequently. For the majority of the week, my other half is nowhere near me. I rarely see him, and I rarely seem to get to hear his voice on the phone, because he usually only has a few minutes here or there between stops, unless it's late at night. We text pretty frequently, which is sufficient at times, but not always.

It gets to be an especially difficult struggle when I see our couple friends having fun with other couples, or making more and new couple friends, while Jake and I are not involved. I've been told many times that "just because Jake isn't around doesn't mean I can't come," or do whatever is going on, which is totally true. I try to interact and socialize with couples without my other half, but it's not always easy.

I still really enjoy having time with our couple friends, but it's hard. I see my friends together, and I look around, but Jake isn't near. He's not even close. We can't just call him up and have him meet us somewhere after work, or join us for supper. So, I have a great time, but at the same time, I'm trying to balance my loneliness and feelings of jealousy (yes, at times, I will admit I am jealous that my friends' husbands are around during the week) with the fun and happiness I'm feeling at the very same time. I often find myself welling up with tears on my way home, knowing that Jake missed out on it again.

I know I don't have it "as bad as others," and I won't pretend to, because he is sometimes around. But, I do sometimes feel like the third, fifth, seventh wheel. I hate when I feel like I'm in the single girl, and yet knowing that I'm not. I hate feeling like I always have to go out in public and run errands and do everything without him. I get really sad eating supper alone 5 out of 7 nights.

I feel bad, also, when I feel like I wasn't prepared for this big cut in our time together... but I wasn't. When he signed on with Schwan's, I had no idea he would be gone as long and as often as he is. I had no idea the holidays for Schwan's men aren't quite like having a holiday at another job. That you can't just call in sick if you're not feeling quite up to the task because you really need to find someone to work for you and if no one is available, well, you pretty much have to work. I hate the income based on commission and how it sometimes doesn't matter how great he is at his job, people just sometimes will not buy. I dislike going to family functions without him, and everyone asking if he's working when he obviously is. I hate it. And I wasn't ready for it. Sometimes, I feel like I'm still trying to adjust. Maybe I am...

Sorry to whine.

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