Monday, October 3, 2011

standing three feet in front of square one

This morning, I had my dreaded post D&C appointment. I had been avoiding thinking about it as much as possible, because, frankly, it bummed me out, knowing the reason for my return to the reproductive endocrinologist. If all had gone well, I would have been done seeing him and already seeing my regular doctor for typical OB appointments.

Obviously, that is not the case.

So, I woke early to get ready for my 7:45 appointment, contained my emotions as best I could, and left on my five block journey to the RE's office, not knowing what to expect.

The appointment went well, I suppose, all things considered. Had a consultation to make sure I healed well physically and had seven large vials of blood taken from me for a slew of tests. Truthfully, though, I left feeling discouraged and frustrated.

As I told a few friends (and similarly posted on Facebook), we are back to the beginning- square one, if you will, but instead of actually starting there, we are starting behind square one, looking at it from the outside, waiting to begin where we were.

Let me explain. We had been (for both Spencer and Sprout) taking oral ovulation inducing medications. Specifically, I was taking Letrizole and using an hCG trigger shot to cause my follicles to mature and then release an egg.

Now, instead, I get to take birth control for two cycles. Medically, I understand, as it should regulate my system and prepare it to try again. Emotionally... not so much. I cried at home and on the way to work.

I just feel as if someone took a dagger to my heart. Didn't slay me, but sliced me quite enough.

I went from being pregnant to losing a baby instead of birthing one, and now instead of trying, it feels like we are preventing. I couldn't really get pregnant "on accident" before, and now... yeah.

It hurts. Even knowing the medical logic behind it doesn't make it easy for my heart to handle.

I pray the next two cycles pass quickly so we can be back "to square one."


  1. Don't look at it as a step backward, or as being behind square one. Instead, take this time to thank the Lord for the miracle you do have, and reflect on what you may learn from this. The Lord has a clear and definite plan for you, and even though you don't know what that is, trust that it will be truly amazing when it all comes together. Realize that it may take longer than you expect it to to come together, but it will truly be worth it in the end. You may not like or understand what you have to do or go through in order to get there, but you will be amazed by the end result. Always remember, my dear friend, that "the shadow proves the sunshine".

  2. There's always the number 0, as lonely and as odd as it may be. You're not really at a negative place, you're just starting from the beginning of the number system. And two months are definitely very quick in the scheme of things. It may not seem like it now, but it's going to fly by--you'll have Spencer's first birthday to look forward to! I think that's something that I would keep my heart focused on. Not to mention your own birthday that's sneaking up! It's all about finding the bright moments and letting the dark once slip past you quickly, like a shadow ducking away when the sun gets covered up by the clouds :) <3