Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Struggles and Thankfulness.

Last week was hard. It may have been one of, if not, the most tiring and frustrating week I've had as a mother thus far. (I can hope that it'd be the hardest one ever, but let's be realistic...)

Spencer was sick, basically, all week. On Tuesday, he really wasn't eating, and was pretty crabby all day, and a little warm, but I just figured it was teething, and by that evening, his sixth tooth (a top one) had finally popped through. We'd been waiting on that one for weeks!

But, come Wednesday, he was burning up. As in 103.7 degrees at the highest temperature reading I had gotten. Took him to the doctor on Wednesday night and on Thursday, and both times, I was told it's something viral and nothing can be done. Just wait it out.

So, I did. I was home alone with him most of Wednesday and all of Thursday except when Tarah came by in the evening (thank goodness). On Friday, at daycare, he was a little happier and his fever seemed to be gone.

Saturday, though... that was a tough day. Jake was supposed to be home from work as he had the day scheduled off so we could attend a wedding, or my family Thanksgiving. Well, a family emergency happened to the co-worker who was going to replace him, and Jake ended up having to work.

I won't lie, I was really bummed out that Jake wasn't coming home after all, and that I would be missing the wedding and Thanksgiving. But, more than anything, I was tired of dealing with Spencer. I know, it sounds horrible. But, it's true. Jake worked his normal, long (over 12 hour days) Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. Spencer doesn't do well without Jake having Wednesday off during the week, and last week, due to holiday scheduling, Jake had to work. And so, when Saturday rolled around and SJ was "daddy-less" it was just... the last straw, for both of us, I guess.

It got to the point that Spencer was hanging on my legs screaming every time I would get up, move, or do anything, if I wasn't holding him. But, if I was holding him, he would just scream and writhe until he was free. But, then, he would be screaming and angry because I wasn't holding him. Needless to say, nothing appeased Spencer, and my nerves were shot.

By evening time, Spencer would cry, and I would cry. We just sat around and sobbed together.

I felt like a horrible mother. I know I'm not actually a horrible mother (or at least I pray I'm not), but I felt like it. I couldn't find anything, or there was close to nothing I could find, that would make Spencer happy or content for more than ten minutes. I couldn't get him to nap. I couldn't get him to eat, or drink, or be away from me. I didn't eat until late. I felt like he might be growing to hate me. I know he doesn't, but man, when your wits are ending, you think some pretty dramatic things sometimes.

Sunday, in the church nursery, I was scheduled for an hour. He didn't like me that hour either. He screamed and repeated much of Saturday's behaviors.

Then, Jake saved us. He spent a lot of time with Spencer on Sunday, which rejuvenated my spirit and seemed to bring Spencer pretty much back to his happy little self. For the most part, anyway.

I was very grateful. I still am. I really wasn't sure I'd have the strength to pull through Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday of this week before having Jake with us for FOUR FULL DAYS. (Yeah, I'm EXCITED about that!)

Moving on.

I contributed a piece to a blog of a local shoppe, one that specializes a lot in breastfeeding, cloth diapers, and homemade mommy/baby/family/children type items and activities. They are doing a "thankfulness" marathon, as you could say. I chose letter F.

I know, you've heard me talk a lot about those battles and struggles and issues. They're very near and dear to me. They're something I don't think I'll ever forget. I still struggle with them now. But, I am thankful for winning a battle once... even twice.

And I am exceptionally thankful for the blessings and miracles that God has given me along the way, Jake and Spencer, to name a few.

With that, I bid you all adieu, as I am exhausted and my bed seems to be calling my name (or maybe, I'm delusional and it's not really talking at all...).

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