Stay-at-Home

It seems lately, that I, and my little family, is in the midst of a season of change. Here's two that I'm talking about that really are affecting our home.

I am pregnant again, which I already blogged about. It's one of the most exciting things to happen in our family since... well, since Spencer was born. We are thrilled at the prospect of welcoming our second child into our family in August. We talk about it frequently, and I am finally starting to feel like it's "real" and that it will last this time. Though, admittedly, I'm still cautiously hopeful.

In a few weeks, I begin my "stay-at-home-mom" audition. A try-out, perhaps.

I have loved working with one of my best friends, doing daycare in her home. But, with the addition of a second child into our family and the knowledge that it just won't work out as nicely to continue that path once the baby comes, coupled with the fact that there have already been complications with this pregnancy that we've not experienced with the past two, and the mounting stress of those situations, along with the realization that daycare is not a "money maker" and by me not continuing to work with her, she can earn more income, we decided to "split up." Not break up a friendship, by any means, but rather, just the business.

After much talk with Jake, about whether to take on a child or two in our tiny place, or to find a "high enough paying part time job to put SJ in a daycare part-time hours which would still allow me to be his primary care giver all days of the week," Jake suggested that perhaps, we try working out our budget and finances in a way that allows me to stay at home with Spencer. Since I will be bringing out second child into the world at the end of the summer, it also seems to make less sense to find a job and have to go on leave, if it's not going to make much financially anyway, there might not be much of a benefit. And, like I said, financially, doing daycare doesn't provide much for our family either.

So, starting mid-February, we're going to try it out. If it doesn't work financially, though we're hoping it will, then we'll reconsider other options.

Jake seems pretty excited at the idea. He said so on the phone this evening again.

I'm pretty excited. I like the idea of having more time to keep our house in order. To organize. To work on a more steady schedule for Spencer, eating, nap, and bedtime wise. I think that will be good for him. It will be good for all of us, hopefully.

And, hopefully, it will allow me to take it "easier" with this pregnancy. Although the sciatica is mostly gone, some days, it flares up pretty badly. Most days, I still can barely sit on the floor to play with Spencer for any extended period of time because of the piercing pains in my hips and legs. But, we work through it, and sometimes we just play on the couch or the bed. And with the SCH that has caused some bleeding and spotting over the past two weeks, trying not to do a lot of lifting and heavy movements or work will be easier when it's just us at home, hopefully. (For the record, Jake has been so helpful with things like laundry, since it, oddly, hurts to carry baskets full up and down the stairs...) Though, we're praying there are no more complications along the way, we're just being practical in realizing that there just may be. I had hardly an issue with Spencer, and up until losing Sprout, none there either.

Though, I must be completely honest. As excited as I feel at times, there are other times I feel completely terrified. I look at Spencer, and it freaks me out to think it's going to be just us. What if he gets sick of me? What if I don't "raise him right?" What if he resents me for "taking away his friends" and social interactions? What if we don't get along? What if we're both miserable? What if I get super lonely?

There are just so many things to think about when it comes to the situation of staying home with your child. While I think it'll be a great thing for our family, how can I be sure? I can't, I guess. So, we'll just try it out and see how it goes.

I find it kind of amusing. I have always wanted to be a mommy, but truthfully, I never saw myself as a stay-at-home mother. But, then, it took us so long to conceive Spencer, that as soon as I got pregnant, I secretly wanted nothing more. Though, I spent the last year and a half trying to convince myself otherwise. I guess, even if it doesn't end up working out in the long-run, at least I have been blessed with the opportunity to try.

Prayers are appreciated! So is advice.

Just a keepsake.

This blog is nothing more than a place for me to "store" the sweetest message I have received in quite a long time.

It was from my husband, via his public Facebook status. It brought tears to my eyes.

Jacob Worthley

Friends, do you know my wife, Nicole Worthley? She is simply an awesome wife and mother. Period. I'm so proud of her accomplishments as a mother, I just wanted to give her a shout out. I love that you love our son so much, and all the many things you do to help him grow. Talking with him, teaching him to share, giving him your attention, and doing your best to make things better for him. Wow, I'm blown away to be so lucky to have You, Nicole.

· · · Remove From Profile · 10 hours ago ·

Baby Bojangles, Heart Rate: 185bpm

On Monday, December 12, 2011, I aced my third one of these tests.

For two days, I had been having cramps and "pms symptoms" and though I figure it was too early to take a test, I also knew my cycle wasn't supposed to arrive until at least Friday. So, after texting my husband and a few friends about whether or not I should test, and realizing that when I found out I was pregnant with Spencer, it was following a very similar timeline (an hcg trigger shot on a Wednesday, and a test less than two weeks later, on a Monday), I bought a package of tests and went home. I wasn't going to take one, actually. But then, I had to go to the bathroom really badly. And I decided if it was negative, I'd not get my hopes crushed, because it was still only 12 days post trigger shot.

Well, I dipped the stick and capped it, and then I brought it to the kitchen and propped it vertically (like the directions said) and let it beep the digital timer picture as I started doing dishes. I was going about my business and trying to ignore the fact that it was there, until I rinsed a dish and caught that the blinking had already stopped, a bit earlier than expected. Needless to say, I figured it was negative.

Nope. It said "pregnant."

I tried to call Jake. I was trembling with disbelief. I mean, I had lost Sprout in September, and then had to wait two months while using birth control to heal from the D&C, and this was our first cycle trying again. It couldn't be right, could it?

Well, he didn't answer. So, I panicked, because heck, I needed to talk to someone who could not only keep a secret, but also share in my disbelief-stricken joy. I dialed Desi, my dear sister-friend. She was super excited for me and assured me it was more than likely a positive positive. Gosh, I love her. And then, after a few minutes of exuberant conversation, I tried to call Jake again.. and again... and again.

And he finally answered! And he didn't sound super excited. I think he said he was eating. Haha. But he really was. He assured me. And I KNOW he was.

I was 3 weeks, 1 day pregnant. Wow.

And then, we had to wait nearly a month to get an "official" ultrasound. However, I was having intense pain, so I went in early. At almost six weeks I was having excruciating pain in my back and hips. They diagnosed me with a UTI and kidney infection. They did an ultrasound to make sure it wasn't an ectopic pregnancy, and saw the amniotic sac forming in the proper place, so that was reassuring. Though, after taking the meds for the infection, the pain persisted and got worse, and it was determined I have sciatica on both sides of my body (from my back down to my heels I get sharp pains, it's not awesome), and it may or may not get worse as the pregnancy progresses. Yikes.

If you're a friend of mine on Facebook, two weeks ago today, there's a pretty good chance you would have seen the following picture on your newsfeed (unless you blocked me or something, of course).

The caption I gave the photo read:

Jake and I discussed when to share this news with everyone, as we've known for a little over three weeks. While it's still very early (6w3d) into the journey, we truly appreciated the support we received when we lost Sprout. We thank God for all of you who sent prayers last time, and hope that you could possibly spare a few moments here and there to pray that we are able to hold Baby Bojangles in our arms in August 2012 (estimated arrival: August 26).

We decided to announce early, again. Yes.

Over the following two weeks, I tried to not be nervous about how when I was pregnant with Sprout, the first ultrasound went well, and then by the 9 week mark, we found out we had lost our baby at 7w6d.

I was doing well until I was 7w5d pregnant with Baby Bo and realized it was the last day that Sprout's heart was beating. I've been a mostly silent (about it) ball of nerves since.

Thankfully, prayers work and the ultrasound this morning showed Bo's heart beating rapidly. We heard the heartbeat this week (only saw it two weeks ago) and it was 185bpm. The baby was already moving like crazy (much like Spencer. I think we'll have another boy) and she had to try to get the measurement twice because Bo moved during the first listen/measurement. That was perfect to me!

The crown-rump-length measurement shows Baby Bo is at 8w6d instead of 8w3d, but for now, they're not going to change my due date. We were given a few photos and taken to a consult room where we waited the last part of our appointment.

When the PA came in, she explained to us that I have a small (on the ultrasound screen, it was about the size of Bo's amniotic sac) placental/uterine hemorrhage, which is technically called a subchorionic hematoma. She said it should heal on it's own by 20 weeks, but if I have lots of bleeding to call and come in. If I have spotting, it should be okay, as long as there's not a lot of cramps.

In this day and age, of course, I went to Google, which scared the heck out of me as it told me that it can increase chances of miscarriage, or not heal, and can actually tear away completely and cause harm to the fetus, so I should take it easy and avoid heavy lifting and strenuous exercise and things of that nature. Which makes sense.

I decided I will try not to worry about it. If she says she thinks it should heal, I should just trust her medical expertise, but of course, Jake and I discussed that we will definitely proceed with caution and I should "behave" so as to not increase chances that it does not heal. Other than that, we're just going to pray and hope that in two weeks, and again in four weeks, it has decreased in size or healed completely. Your prayers are appreciated too, if you are so generous as to spare some on us!

Anyway, so... we're pregnant again! Spencer will hopefully be a big brother in the end of August, and we're delighted!

where the love spilled out they called it art

Have you ever found a CD that you fell totally, completely in love with?

I have.

And it was totally unexpected. Well, maybe not totally, but I wasn't expecting it. Maybe that is totally. Who knows. I'm tired, and done contemplating the phrase.

When I was a daycamp director for Shetek Lutheran Ministries in the summer of 2005, my friends (co-workers, what have you) and I were in Sioux City, IA shopping. While there, I came across a music/CD store, and was browsing the discount bin. The CD I found was Edwin McCain's "The Austin Sessions." I already owned two of his CDs and liked them, and thought the $4.99 sticker was quite a bargain, so I purchased it.

I would like to be able to report that I took it back to our host family's house and listened to it right away on my discman, but that'd be a lie.

It wasn't until almost a year later that I finally opened it and gave it a listen.

I remember the setting vividly. It was my college dorm room, spring of 2006. I was an RA that year and had a room to myself. Jake and I were engaged, and he was over visiting. At one point, we were going through my CDs to find some music to listen to, and there the CD was. So, we opened it. Then, I laid down in the middle of my floor and used my red body pillow to support my head. Jake joined me and we laid there listening to the CD in its entirety... more than once.

Immediately, I loved it.

It's a mostly acoustic set (I don't know if there's drums or piano, the CD is in my car currently) but it's mainly guitar, mandolin, possibly banjo (I could look it up, but like I said, I'm tired). I love acoustic music, so it's right up my style.

What I wasn't prepared for was to fall in love with each and every song. I don't know that it's honestly happened to me before this CD, nor after. I like most songs on most CDs I own, but I don't love them all.

Sure, some of the songs on the CD are somewhat dark or somber, but some are really upbeat and bright sounding. And they're all just amazing.

If I recall correctly, after researching the album a long time ago, most, if not all songs, are covers that McCain did of various other artist's music. But, not once had I heard any song before. I haven't looked any of them up since, either.

Sadly, when we moved, I lost my original CD, and it's really hard to find. Brand new on amazon.com, it's over $20. But, because I loved the CD so much, I had burned a copy for a friend or two years ago, and one of my darling friends re-burned me a copy to have at home again, because I've missed it so much.

Even Spencer likes some of the songs. He loves to dance to "Little Girls."

Jake loves the songs, too. His ambition is to learn to play them all.

I remember once, listening to the song "Romeo and Juliet" in Jake's... gold... car (I forget what kind of car it was) in the country late at night while we were driving home from somewhere. I was suddenly overcome with the realization that one day, we'll die, and how I really hope that it's together because I can't imagine either of us having to live without the other.

My favorite song on the CD, however, is called "No Choice." I will leave you with a link to a cover of it by some guy on youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=09lpEpK8COg (because it's all I could find) and the lyrics. It's just downright beautiful.

It was a love so big that it filled his heart
Til it swelled and finally burst apart
And where the love spilled out they called it art
But he never really had no choice

Chorus
Whoa, he had no choice
No, he never had no choice
When he gave his river a voice
He never really had no choice.
He was thinking that the pain came much too soon
When he locked himself up inside his room
Well it hurt real bad to write that tune
but he never really had no choice
And there were some who could not understand
When he built those castles with his hands
And he knew damn well they were only sand
But he never really had no choice.

Chorus

Sometimes a man sometimes a boy
And he made some music and he made some noise
But he felt his pain and he felt his joy
But he never really had no choice.
There was a beautiful fire inside of him
As he balanced his way out on that limb
Could've burned right through that branch so thin
but he never really had no choice

(Chorus)

And they all talked about him when he died
They studied and they theorized
But when he was through they'd laughed and cried
And he never really had no choice
It was a love so big that it filled his heart
'Til it swelled and finally burst apart
Where the loved spilled out they called it art
But he never really had no choice

(Chorus)
(Chorus)

twenty

On January 9, 1992, the world welcomed a beautiful little girl. Her name was Carissa Kay.

Over the next two years, many family and friends grew a deep love for this little girl. She had the craziest blonde hair that you could twist with your fingers and it'd stay that way, standing straight up. She had the most beautiful smile. When you'd hold her, she would latch her legs around your torso and her arms around your shoulders and hold on tight, as if she didn't ever want you to let her go.

She left us, what we feel was way too soon, in 1994, a few months after her 2nd birthday. But, as it seemed she wanted, none of us ever let her go.

It's absolutely incredible to me to think that today would have been my adorable little cousin's 20th birthday. I often sit and wonder, to this day, what kind of child, teenager, and woman she would have become.

I often, also, sit and look back on the times we had with her. She was only a few months older than my younger brother, Bryan, and our family was close knit, so we saw each other very frequently. We all grew up, as cousins, and as friends, almost as brothers and sisters. There was so much love. Of course, there's still so much love, we're just older and spread across the country now.

I wish I had a picture on my computer, or even in my house, to share of Carissa. But, alas, the pictures I had taken of her when I was a child are in my mother's collection.

I try not to dwell on the tragic day that we lost our little angel. Sometimes, I can't help it. I can picture it, vividly, like a movie reel that refuses to be destroyed. I can recall the many days after, the emotions, the faces, the way time seemed to stand still, and how I felt like I was going to throw up for days on end.

I used to have recurring, haunting dreams, where I was trying to save her, and I couldn't. Thankfully, those are no longer.

All day long, I have been thinking of Carissa. She left such an impact on everyone who knew her, I'm certain of it... her parents, her older sister, and even the sister who came years later, especially.

One thing that I'm experiencing this year, on her birthday, more than I had ever thought I would have in the past, is the gut wrenching feeling that my aunt and uncle lost their baby. I have always known it... but now, I look at Spencer, who is 14 months old, and I realize that in Carissa's life, she'd have barely over one-year left to live. I cannot fathom only having that long with Spencer. Now, of course, we didn't know she was going to leave us, and in no way were we prepared. But, how would I handle it if it were me and my baby? I just... I cannot even imagine it. It makes me so overwhelmed with despair.

I've been trying not to dwell on that, though, and instead, to focus on an important lesson that came from Carissa's short life.

Simply, cherish the moments.

I look at Spencer, laughing or crying, today especially, and my heart is overcome with love for my little boy. He's the most beautiful gift that Jake and I have been given, I believe. I am blessed for what little time we've had with him. We'll be blessed again and again, until his time, or ours, has come.

I hope that up in heaven, Carissa is having a joyous day, dancing, laughing, and holding onto God's side as he reminds her how very special, beautiful, and important a young lady she is.