Last night, I had a horrible, wretched, sickening nightmare. I woke up crying, and it has been plaguing me ever since.
I'm not going to go into the details on my blog, but in summary, it involved one of my sons and something bad happened. I did something that I know, deep down, I would never do- physically hurt him. Badly
As I mentioned, it's been bothering me all day. Today has been full of challenges from the moment both boys were awake and SJ found my glasses like he usually does, but for the first time ever he didn't put them on my face like he always does, but rather refuse to give them to me and whine like the dickens when I finally took them away.
It hasn't been constant, but it's been a challenge, off and on, since 7:45am.
And then this dream just won't leave me mind. I feel so ashamed that I dreamt it. I would NEVER have it happen in reality, but the fact that my subconscious mind could concoct a thought that produced the dream sickens me and makes me feel like a truly horrible person. I KNOW I am not, but I still feel guilt that my mind could create an image of me hurting my child.
It's just so hard to swallow. I sit here and watch him as he reads a book nicely beside me, and I cry because I love him so much.
I urge him to stop throwing things on the floor, frustrated as can be with it happening yet again, and I cry because I don't know how to get him to stop and hate making him cry but decide I probably do need to flick him in the forehead anyway because my words aren't hitting home. But I don't want to flick his forehead. It feels incredibly mean,
So, I know it's unreal and it would never happen.
I think it partially stems from my exhaustion and all of the disgusting news articles that keep popping up online where parents or family injure or kill children. I find myself so repulsed by these stories and these people and I think the abundance of them lately is leaving lasting effects on my emotion. I think it's time to remove myself from the news feeds I have for a while as I find peace in my heart again.
If you read this and worry, please don't. Even when I get really angry at something my son may have done, I don't lash out. I generally let out a loud "aaaaaaaaaagh!" Scream into my hands or walk out of the room crying a few minutes before entering and dealing with it.
I would never do something to my children. The thought alone breaks my heart.
I hope if you read this, you won't judge me for my horrible dream.
It was just a bad dream.