Saturday, April 16, 2016

Dear Spenk, Ollie, & Pippin

My darling children,

Momma is having a hard time falling asleep tonight, despite my state of physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion.

I rest quietly in the dark, and my mind starts to wander.

I think about how unfair life has been to you the past couple of years. You've had such instability, loss, and trauma. 

My eyes swell with tears until they begin to overflow.  My heart physically aches for you. I say a prayer that God will protect your hearts and minds from the effects the years could have on you, and ask Him for the strength and grace to get through, alongside you, whatever lies ahead. 

He has carried us this far and I know He will carry us still.

I hope that you never feel forgotten, discarded, or unloved. Even if you have every justified reason to, I pray against it. I know I personally struggle with these feelings as well, after all we have gone through, so if they do come, know I understand. And, if those feelings arose, I pray you will come to me so I can guide you through them in the way that others have guided me through them and into God's arms, time and time again.

As you all sleep soundly, my heart goes from aching for your pain, to aching with love.

I have so much love for you. Sometimes, it feels like my heart cannot contain it, and it aches as if it may actually burst. Funny how the heart aches in the chest when the love really stems in your mind... But that's a lesson we will have another day. 

Babies, I fought for you. I fought for you before you were born, and I fought for you since your first breath through the ones you're taking now, and until I no longer breathe my own.

 I have tried so hard to fill you with goodness, with joy, with compassion, and with love. I know that there are times when those things won't be on the forefront, but I know with every fiber of my being that those things are within you. I see it in your eyes, I feel it in your hugs, and I hear it in your laughter. 

I apologize, my little ones, for the days when I shed tears, am sick, in pain, exhausted, or drained. Please know, even on those days, I am trying to be my best for you. I will fall short from time to time. I pray I am always humble enough to apologize, and strong enough to try harder the next chance.

I am so thankful that we have each other. I know we all need our space sometimes, and it's hard to get that when its a small apartment and our days are often so busy. I know also that there will be days we feel we need less togetherness and more time apart, and others we feel like all we need is more time together. I pray we will be able to find a balance in it all.

I hope you know how very much I love you, and how I wouldn't trade you for the treasures of the world. I hope you'll always feel the same of me.


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