Sometimes, you have to remind yourself every couple of seconds to look up instead of down, and it’s an exhausting battle for your focus. It is so much easier to look downward when the weight inside your mind feels like a bushel of stones. It’s such a heavy burden to carry sometimes.
You realize how close you could be to falling, as a slight falter in your footing knocks a pebble, and as you listen you cannot hear it reaching the bottom. You realize the cliff is much higher than you can comprehend and if you topple, you do not know if you will ever quit falling.
Sometimes, you don’t see yourself at the cliff until you’re in that balancing act, having slowly wandered on your way, led there without necessarily realizing it until you’re already at the brink, or maybe you have been traipsing about endlessly, trying to navigate through thick and murky fog, only to realize where you’ve ended up as you are flirting with the gravity lurking before you. You know that you’re one small misstep from falling, so you try to keep your body still while your head spins around to ascertain where exactly you are in relation to where you began.
How did you get there? What lured your steps this way?
You look up again. You know where to look. You position yourself the slightest degree, and plant one foot firmly in front of the other. You know where you belong. You will not succumb to the ravine.
Sound familiar?
When I wrote that the other night, I saw the ravine as just a dark pit of endless negative thoughts. I have experienced that ravine before and I have fallen continuously into it for days on end sometimes. I have always been able to find my way back to where I am centered and focused, thank the Lord.
Admittedly, it’s been a rough year for not only myself but thousands of others.
I have found in my own life experiences, mentally and emotionally, my nights can be much tougher than my days. As I lay awake, alone in the dark during those night-time trials, I can feel my spirit weighted down when my thoughts start plummeting.
I have faith in God. I know He is always with me. Always. In fact, I have been blessed with visions or dreams of Him alongside me living out my day to day life.
But, I am human, I am broken and made whole, but I still struggle sometimes.
Lately, it seems more than I have in months or maybe even years past (and I have had quite a collection of rough years). I think a lot of it has to do with the loneliness of isolation and quarantine during a pandemic. I have spent months inside these walls with my children.
While living in isolation, the first two months, I was more open and honest about my thoughts and emotions. I was more willing to talk about what I was thinking or feeling at any given moment. I was more aware that if I was becoming closed off, I should speak out. I wrote more for myself and publicly. I talked on the phone more, even though I have a hard time staying focused on phone conversations. I cried to more friends.
This time, it has been much harder for me. I found myself thinking, “here we go again” and not wanting to burden or bother anyone. I found myself reaching out to people less and less, and as the pandemic surges all around all of us, I don’t even know that I realized it was happening and I certainly did not expect anyone else to notice.
It’s been tough.
But I’m aware of it now, and that’s step one. Step two is opening up about it and inviting someone in.
I want you to know that in the world we’re experiencing right now, whether you believe in God and hold fast to Him as I do, and know He’s always right there and catching your tears even if you don’t feel or see Him,
Or you don’t,
That it’s okay to admit when you’re struggling.
It’s okay to get help.
It’s okay to ask others to help you see the joy inside of you. It’s okay to have others to help you find your hope. It’s okay to ask others to help guide and anchor you.
Don’t let your perceptions of yourself and the perceptions of the world stop you.
I also venture to say it’s okay to call a friend who you think might be struggling even if they don’t see it themselves. Sometimes, you will crack that heart wide open and the first steps of the journey can begin.
“In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation.” 1 Peter 5:10. (NLT)
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