Then came eight.

Dearest Spencer,

Today was a bit chaotic, I know, as is always the case the day before your birthday. Halloween brings a hustle and bustle and excitement amongst children all around us, and I wonder sometimes if you feel like your birthday gets a little overlooked because of it.

But dear son, let me assure you, it does not.

Yes, Halloween is widely celebrated, and the world doesn't necessarily realize that your big day follows right after.

But, in my mind, the crazy holiday cannot compare in the slightest to your birthday.

You see, my dear boy, the day you were born was monumental for so many lives- but especially for you and for me.

That was day that you made me a mommy, you know. I had prayed and waited for it for years.  And then it happened.  And you captured my heart with your very first breath.

Spencer, you still have my heart in the palm of your hand.

I know we've had a bit of a rough spot lately.  I am so sorry for that. I know I've been exhausted, stressed, and not as much fun as you would probably like.  I am so sorry.   Life has us so busy lately.

But I also know that you're growing up, so big and so fast.  You've begun showing and sometimes outright telling me that you're looking for more independence.  You've left the itty bitty kid phase, and are transitioning so quickly out of the little kid phase straight on to being a big kid.  It's hard on my heart when I realize it, but I try not to let you know.  It's little things, like wanting to watch kid shows and not cartoons, reading chapter books and books without as many pictures, or the other day, when you asked if you could play with some "new friends"....

across...

the...

street..............................................


And I said yes.  And I let you go.  Sure, I peeked out the window and watched you cross the street, but I didn't let you see that.

But that was a huge moment for me.  It's when it really dawned on me that you are growing up, and you're gaining independence, and needing me less.

Or even maybe... a little... as much as I hate to say this or think about it...

wanting to be with me less.

*gulp*

I've realized over the past year that you prefer to talk to other people over me sometimes.  When I ask you about your day, it seems like you don't have much to say to me.  But if someone else were to ask, there are many details that dance out on your voice.

I know.

You're becoming a big kid.  And I'm not as cool as I once was.

And that's normal.

And that's okay.

Even though it's not okay with my heart.

I have to trust that you will always know that I'm cool enough to trust, to lean on, to rely on, to need, to enjoy, to love.

You're entering into this weird world that I don't completely understand.  I grew up in a small town, went to a small school, and I'm a girl.  You're a city boy.  It's silly, but sometimes I don't feel like I can relate to certain aspects of your life.  I'm trying though.

Just like I try to pretend I know what you're talking about when you start talking about Star Wars.

Your interests are changing and sometimes I don't have a clue because they don't line up with mine at all.  I hope that you know that doesn't mean I don't care.  I just don't always understand. But I try, and when I can't, I try to find you someone who might have more knowledge than I do.

You're still figuring out who you are.  I'm being patient as I see who you become, and I pray that you're being patient with yourself.  That's one thing I completely relate to, even now, as an adult.  It's a lifelong discovery, and we all need more than a little grace.

While there's so many things changing in your life, there are still so many that remain constant.

Like your good, kind, caring heart.

Your hilarious sense of humor (although I will admit, the made up 'knock knock' jokes are a little much to handle sometimes).

You're adventurous and brave.

You love God.

You love others.

You love seeing your siblings at the end of the day and you always greet them with huge smiles and hugs on the days we meet on the school playground.

You are incredibly smart. Your teacher showed me your standardized test scores, remember, and you did amazing. 

You're honest about your opinion and thoughts on things.  Sometimes, I prefer not to know that you think I look silly or am being embarrassing, but at least you're truthful.

You're a little emotional, and trying to figure out how to handle that.  But, you know what, I can't blame you there, because again, I am too.  You don't like to be alone.  While these might seem like they aren't entirely positive to you, and maybe a little stressful to both of us at times, I appreciate them deeply, because they show me you're still a little kid inside, and we still have a lot of this journey toward big to get through.

I pray that over the next year, you continue to give yourself grace as you continue to figure out who you are in this world.  I pray that you'll continue to make good, wholesome, positive friendships, and that you will continue to tell me when people aren't being kind to you, even if it means you're crying.  Then, I can build you up and remind you how much I love you and how great you are.  I know those moments hurt your heart though, because they hurt mine, too.

I pray that you'll continue to and renew your love for school. I know second grade isn't "as fun" as kindergarten and first but I also know that you love to learn, and I believe that you'll enjoy your educational career just as I did.

I pray that you'll give yourself brief moments of reprieve when you're frustrated, and pause before you speak.  Once you say something, you cannot take it back.  But don't be too hard on yourself about this right now, it's something adults struggle with, too.

I pray your heart will continue to grow in your love for others and the world.  I pray that you'll continue to be a light in dark places, and show the love of Jesus to those around you.  You are amazing at this.  

I pray you'll start hearing God's voice, clearly, regularly, and that His truth can come to you directly, as well as through me.  I cannot wait to see what he has in store for you.  I believe it will be big.

And, I pray that you will never doubt your worth.  I pray you will never doubt how wonderful you are.  You are perfect in God's image, and you are one of the very best things that has ever happened to me.  You teach me more about life and love than you'll ever know.  I pray you will never question how deeply you are loved.

In that regard, I also pray that you never determine your self-worth and your value based on the absence of someone who we both feel should be around, telling and showing you that he loves you.  On some level, it's a relief to me that you don't mention your dad as much anymore, but mostly, it breaks my heart for you that his lack of interest and involvement in your life has become so ordinary.  I will not spoil your birthday with my anger, but I am angry for you, and your siblings, that he's missing yet another year, and another birthday.  But, just because he is still gone, it has no merit as to who you are, how important and wonderful you are, or anything of the sort.

I pray that, as we continue to navigate this world together, learning as we go, we continue to have patience for one another in unchartered waters.  It's always new territory for both of us, but we are in it together.  That's the blessing of our bond, first child of mine.

And I pray for ever increasing joy, and that you never lose that sparkle in your eyes and that jubilant echo in your laughter.

Spencer, I love you.

I love you more than you'll ever know.  

Happy Birthday in the morning, buddy.  That day is better than any dress-up holiday this world could ever offer you.

-Mom

Great Blessings

 I'm sure each of you has heard countless analogies and metaphors about friendships and what a true friend is.  True friends are like diamonds, true friends are like stars, true friends are like mornings, true friends are like angels, true friends are like a high school algebra word problem on the homework you almost forgot to do last night before bed...  So forth and so on.  Yes?  I know that I have.   

There are so many inspirational quotes that tell you how to be a good friend or what a good friend looks like.  If you're looking for some sort of wall art or a nice little closing to a greeting card to let someone know you care, you don't have to look much further than an internet search and you have thousands of sayings to choose from, from Oscar Wilde to Winnie-the-Pooh.

What makes a good friend, I suppose, is in some ways, subjective.  You may think a good friend is one who will give you the answers to your psychology homework, or maybe you think a good friend is one who will help you change a tire when you have a flat.  Perhaps your best friend lets you borrow her dresses or your books.  Whatever you think makes a good friend, I would hope that you have someone in your life who fits that bill.

I have been richly blessed with friendships in my life.  I say that not to brag, but as a reflection after a wonderful, laid back day with my college roommate, one of my best friends in the world, after a year or so of not being in the same room together.  She is one of my "lifelong" friends.  I met her 14 years ago, nearly, and despite the fact that we can go a year without seeing each other or weeks without texting, when it comes down to it, I know she's there and she has been and will be through thick and thin.

But, I am so enormously spoiled that I know it doesn't stop there.  I have a friend from my childhood that I moved next door to in 1991, and she is still one of my dearest friends.  I have friends that I met as an adult that are equally important and wonderful to me.  Some I see nearly weekly, others less frequently, but their love for me and my family is immeasurable, and I am reminded of it often.  I have met friends through my job of 18 months that are some of my closest friends in this life.  I have friends that I only know through the internet and have for over a decade that I consider my some of my very best as well.

And I have blood family that are some of my best friends.

Growing up, I know a best friend could change day to day, depending on whether you like the same boy band, book, color, food... you name it.  Friendships seemed easier to come by and somewhat more trivial as a child.  You broke up and made up more times than you can count, I'm sure.

As an adult, it seems much more difficult to find true, dear friends that you trust with your deepest secrets and your most broken bits of heart.  

Somehow, though, I have this amazing group of best friends.  I can't choose just one best friend like I could as a little girl. I have a handful.  God has blessed me so richly.  He's given me women all over the country who I could reach out to in an instant and they're there for me, emotionally, physically, spiritually, and so much more.  It's an invaluable blessing, when I so often find myself feeling overwhelmed and lonely, living this life of a single parent with such young children.  It's something truly special to have a select group of friends who can read through the lines of a text message and know when you're not really doing as okay as you claim, or that can almost read your heart as soon as you enter a room, even if there's a smile on your face.

I have known this for quite some time, but it seems that as I grow older and as I have gone through so much in the past few years, losing the one who meant the most to me, I see these friendships more clearly and with so much more value and gratitude.  These people chose to stand beside me and stay with me even when the one who promised to stay forever walked right out. They have seen me at my best and my worst and they love me through it all.

I've been told many times that God knows what he is doing.  It's true.  Even when it's hard to trust him, especially knowing that, although he has reasons for what He is doing, you don't always get to know on this side of life.

I'm so thankful to my very best friends for all they bring into my life.  But I am thankful also for each one of my friends, not only the best ones, because the prayers and love that I've been showered with, from friends near and far, old and new, have helped shape me into the woman I am today.

I pray that my own children are equally blessed in their lives, and that each of you are as well.

Beside You

Spencer,

Tonight, for the first time in quite a long time, you were the last of the children awake at bedtime. It was quite a surprise when you, and not your brother, walked out of the bedroom at 10:42pm. I shouldn't have been surprised since you suddenly napped around 6pm after playing hard all afternoon making your sister giggle like crazy.

"Mommy, I'm tired," you spoke softly as you approached me. "Will you come lay by me?"

How could I resist? I dropped what I was doing and replied, "absolutely, buddy."

As I lay there, running my fingers through your hair as I have countless nights before, your eyelids started closing and your breath became more steady. It took only a few short minutes before you were sound asleep.

I stayed a while to watch you, to study your profile, and take in the quiet moment, just holding my baby boy.

I noticed I had the blanket tucked right up under your chin, and with the pale glow of the owl nightlight behind you, I had a flashback.

It was our first night alone together, November 2, 2010. You were one day old. Your dad had gone home for the night to tend to our dog, and I told him "It's okay. I got this." It was a long night, the first of many long nights, and you fought sleep like a champion. After I finally had you calmed down and dreaming, I placed your swaddled, tiny body in the bassinet by my hospital bed and took this photo to commemorate:

Tonight, not quite five years later, my tall, lanky, handsome little boy looked identical, in my mind, to your newborn baby self. I could see the same profile, and found it remarkable how you looked so similar and yet so strikingly different at the same time.

I remembered those words. "It's okay. I got this," and tears welled up in my eyes. Perhaps, they are more poignant and applicable to our lives now than they were that first night together.

I remember telling your newborn self that you were the best thing that had ever happened to us.

I still tell you that you're the best thing that has ever happened to me. I whisper it at night sometimes when you're falling asleep. 

It's still true. You (and your brother and sister) very much are my greatest blessings.

You've recently started saying it back. It caught me completely off guard the first time, and each time after, I think my heart skips a beat.

We are in this together, buddy. We are in it forever. You made me a mommy, and we are learning as we go. But we will conquer the battles that may lay before us, and we will build a house filled with love.

My firstborn baby boy, (how dare I call you that, right? You're a big boy now...) I love you.  Thank you for asking me to lay beside you tonight, and therefore, unknowingly reminding me that "I've got this" and life will be okay, even if it's vastly different from how we began our journey together.

-Mommy