Then came eight.

Dearest Spencer,

Today was a bit chaotic, I know, as is always the case the day before your birthday. Halloween brings a hustle and bustle and excitement amongst children all around us, and I wonder sometimes if you feel like your birthday gets a little overlooked because of it.

But dear son, let me assure you, it does not.

Yes, Halloween is widely celebrated, and the world doesn't necessarily realize that your big day follows right after.

But, in my mind, the crazy holiday cannot compare in the slightest to your birthday.

You see, my dear boy, the day you were born was monumental for so many lives- but especially for you and for me.

That was day that you made me a mommy, you know. I had prayed and waited for it for years.  And then it happened.  And you captured my heart with your very first breath.

Spencer, you still have my heart in the palm of your hand.

I know we've had a bit of a rough spot lately.  I am so sorry for that. I know I've been exhausted, stressed, and not as much fun as you would probably like.  I am so sorry.   Life has us so busy lately.

But I also know that you're growing up, so big and so fast.  You've begun showing and sometimes outright telling me that you're looking for more independence.  You've left the itty bitty kid phase, and are transitioning so quickly out of the little kid phase straight on to being a big kid.  It's hard on my heart when I realize it, but I try not to let you know.  It's little things, like wanting to watch kid shows and not cartoons, reading chapter books and books without as many pictures, or the other day, when you asked if you could play with some "new friends"....

across...

the...

street..............................................


And I said yes.  And I let you go.  Sure, I peeked out the window and watched you cross the street, but I didn't let you see that.

But that was a huge moment for me.  It's when it really dawned on me that you are growing up, and you're gaining independence, and needing me less.

Or even maybe... a little... as much as I hate to say this or think about it...

wanting to be with me less.

*gulp*

I've realized over the past year that you prefer to talk to other people over me sometimes.  When I ask you about your day, it seems like you don't have much to say to me.  But if someone else were to ask, there are many details that dance out on your voice.

I know.

You're becoming a big kid.  And I'm not as cool as I once was.

And that's normal.

And that's okay.

Even though it's not okay with my heart.

I have to trust that you will always know that I'm cool enough to trust, to lean on, to rely on, to need, to enjoy, to love.

You're entering into this weird world that I don't completely understand.  I grew up in a small town, went to a small school, and I'm a girl.  You're a city boy.  It's silly, but sometimes I don't feel like I can relate to certain aspects of your life.  I'm trying though.

Just like I try to pretend I know what you're talking about when you start talking about Star Wars.

Your interests are changing and sometimes I don't have a clue because they don't line up with mine at all.  I hope that you know that doesn't mean I don't care.  I just don't always understand. But I try, and when I can't, I try to find you someone who might have more knowledge than I do.

You're still figuring out who you are.  I'm being patient as I see who you become, and I pray that you're being patient with yourself.  That's one thing I completely relate to, even now, as an adult.  It's a lifelong discovery, and we all need more than a little grace.

While there's so many things changing in your life, there are still so many that remain constant.

Like your good, kind, caring heart.

Your hilarious sense of humor (although I will admit, the made up 'knock knock' jokes are a little much to handle sometimes).

You're adventurous and brave.

You love God.

You love others.

You love seeing your siblings at the end of the day and you always greet them with huge smiles and hugs on the days we meet on the school playground.

You are incredibly smart. Your teacher showed me your standardized test scores, remember, and you did amazing. 

You're honest about your opinion and thoughts on things.  Sometimes, I prefer not to know that you think I look silly or am being embarrassing, but at least you're truthful.

You're a little emotional, and trying to figure out how to handle that.  But, you know what, I can't blame you there, because again, I am too.  You don't like to be alone.  While these might seem like they aren't entirely positive to you, and maybe a little stressful to both of us at times, I appreciate them deeply, because they show me you're still a little kid inside, and we still have a lot of this journey toward big to get through.

I pray that over the next year, you continue to give yourself grace as you continue to figure out who you are in this world.  I pray that you'll continue to make good, wholesome, positive friendships, and that you will continue to tell me when people aren't being kind to you, even if it means you're crying.  Then, I can build you up and remind you how much I love you and how great you are.  I know those moments hurt your heart though, because they hurt mine, too.

I pray that you'll continue to and renew your love for school. I know second grade isn't "as fun" as kindergarten and first but I also know that you love to learn, and I believe that you'll enjoy your educational career just as I did.

I pray that you'll give yourself brief moments of reprieve when you're frustrated, and pause before you speak.  Once you say something, you cannot take it back.  But don't be too hard on yourself about this right now, it's something adults struggle with, too.

I pray your heart will continue to grow in your love for others and the world.  I pray that you'll continue to be a light in dark places, and show the love of Jesus to those around you.  You are amazing at this.  

I pray you'll start hearing God's voice, clearly, regularly, and that His truth can come to you directly, as well as through me.  I cannot wait to see what he has in store for you.  I believe it will be big.

And, I pray that you will never doubt your worth.  I pray you will never doubt how wonderful you are.  You are perfect in God's image, and you are one of the very best things that has ever happened to me.  You teach me more about life and love than you'll ever know.  I pray you will never question how deeply you are loved.

In that regard, I also pray that you never determine your self-worth and your value based on the absence of someone who we both feel should be around, telling and showing you that he loves you.  On some level, it's a relief to me that you don't mention your dad as much anymore, but mostly, it breaks my heart for you that his lack of interest and involvement in your life has become so ordinary.  I will not spoil your birthday with my anger, but I am angry for you, and your siblings, that he's missing yet another year, and another birthday.  But, just because he is still gone, it has no merit as to who you are, how important and wonderful you are, or anything of the sort.

I pray that, as we continue to navigate this world together, learning as we go, we continue to have patience for one another in unchartered waters.  It's always new territory for both of us, but we are in it together.  That's the blessing of our bond, first child of mine.

And I pray for ever increasing joy, and that you never lose that sparkle in your eyes and that jubilant echo in your laughter.

Spencer, I love you.

I love you more than you'll ever know.  

Happy Birthday in the morning, buddy.  That day is better than any dress-up holiday this world could ever offer you.

-Mom