Another Unsent Birthday Card

Today is a day filled with bittersweet joy.

Today is my husband's first Father's Day! It fills me with excitement to be able to proclaim that. I love watching Spencer and Jake interact. For example, although Spencer was up late last night, it was adorable (beyond words) to see him fill with such happiness as Jake walked through the door. He sat on Jake's lap, all up in his face, basically, smiling and talking and reaching out to him for quite some time. He was purely elated that his daddy was home. I wouldn't trade that for anything!

Though, as often has happened in my lifetime, Father's Day Weekend falls in accordance to my Gma's birthday. And, as is the case now, she is no longer with us on this earth. Today, in fact, is her birth date.

Most years I am internally burdened by sadness and continued mourning at this loss of one of my best friends. Last year, I threw a family reunion on her birthday, and it helped replace some of the sorrow with joy.

This year, as I dwell on the new life and fatherhood in our household, I am going to make a conscious effort to dwell on the joy of the "old" life that once walked the earth beside me and focus not as much on my loss (though it is inevitable at this point that I still will from time to time), but on the fact that my Gma was the best of friends, and that she would be exuberant to celebrate her birthday alongside Jake's first Father's Day.


When I woke up this morning, thinking of my Grandma, Brad Paisley's "When I Get Where I'm Going" popped into my head. That song, most definitely, reminds me of her.


Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
I will shed the sins and struggles,
I have carried all these years.
And I'll leave my heart wide open,
I will love and have no fear.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Don't cry for me down here.

Mother of the Groom

This past weekend, we attended the wedding of Jake's step-brother, Cody, and his sweetheart, Emily. It was a wonderful wedding, I might add, very representative of the couple's personalities.

I've been to quite a few weddings in my lifetime (ever since I was a little girl), and been in a couple of them as well. And, obviously, I've had my own wedding. I've been a wedding photographer as well. I've enjoyed weddings from many facets because of this, participant, best friend, relative, and photographer. I've always been filled with joy and excitement for the couple, especially after being married myself, knowing what it feels like to be a bride.

But, I will admit, I've never really spent a lot of time thinking about the parents of the bride and groom, other than at my wedding when my dad walked me down the aisle to give me to Jake. I guess, if I had thought about it from a parents perspective, it's always just been the joy that I've felt that I assumed was all they felt too.

Well, now I'm a mother. For the first time, I sat through a wedding (other than my own or my best friend's), and was on the verge of tears the majority of the time. This time, I was experiencing the wedding, I feel, more closely to the way a parent of the groom would experience a wedding.

It was crazy to sit in the seat and watch Cody, my brother-in-law, get married, but see him as I feel his mother might have seen him. She always will be her firstborn, her "baby" boy, so to speak. And on Saturday, her baby was becoming a man. Yes, he was legally a man, in his early twenties to be exact, and had graduated college already. But, as I felt when Jake and I were married and we became "true adults," so too were Cody and Emily. I have no idea where this concept I hold of marriage meaning you're REALLY an adult came from, since there are many adults who are clearly adults and they are unmarried. So, I hope that didn't offend anyone reading.

But basically, I sat there watching the wedding, filled with joy, but feeling the bittersweet side of things much more purely than I ever had before. No longer would the groom come home to his mom's house as his own, because after Saturday, he is off to build his own home with his own wife. They're building a life outside that of the parents. Officially, there is a new leading lady in his life. While she has been there a while, it seems a bit different after a wedding, you know?

So, I sat there, dwelling on those feelings, and realizing that before I know it, God willing, MY baby boy will meet a woman who will become the leading lady in his life, and I will give him away to her to build his own life, to become a man, to move out and to move on, just as Jake and I have already done, and our parents and so many others in our families before us.

Yes, he's 7 months old only, and I have many years before a wedding will happen (like I pray that it will, I pray so dearly my boy will find love like I have), but when that day comes, I know it will feel like it's come all too soon.

On Time

I must admit, this evening, I had my mind set on writing on Spencer's blog about the various things he did over the weekend. It was set so firmly on the idea, in fact, that over the past 45 minutes when I'd been "fighting" with him to get him to sleep, I found myself wishing that he would just go to sleep already so I could get on with my evening and have some time for myself, finally.

Yeah, that's a good summary. I had said to my husband last night something along the lines of how in four days of being together, I didn't have any time for ME. I was with Spencer all weekend long, except for during sleep and a few short moments here and there, but basically, while Jake was home, I still felt I had Spencer with me every moment of every day. Not that it's a horrible thing, of course, but I was hoping to have some personal time away from the house for just me, without having to worry about Spencer waking up or having a diaper change, etc. Call me selfish if you must.

So, after a very long (feeling) day at work and the cranky baby episode around supper-time followed by a short bath and fight for sleep... I just couldn't wait for him to finally be asleep so I could do what I wanted to- blog about Spencer.

Then, the song "Never Grow Up" (a Taylor Swift (gasp! Yeah, I like one or two of her songs, I'll admit)) song came on his Lullabies CD. The lyrics, as they often do, resonated with me, and suddenly, I was no longer dwelling on the fact that he was fighting me and I still hadn't had ME time.

Instead, I was realizing... I have Spencer time. Yeah, he was fussy, and he was fighting sleep the best he knew how. Literally.. I was trying to hold him onto his tummy and pat him to sleep like he usually likes to have done, and he was trying SO hard to roll over and grab my arm while crying and smiling at the same time... BUT... he was there, in his crib. He's so big, but he's still so small.

I realized that tomorrow he will be 7/12 old. In FIVE MONTHS, he'll be one. Time does seem to pass by us way too quickly as it is, and here I was, just wishing these moments of fighting would fly by and be done.

My frame of mind changed. Instead of being completely frustrated, I was mostly not frustrated (I will admit, still a little, I'm only human after all), and instead, looking at my baby boy just wishing that time could stand still for a little while. He's going to be a toddler WAY too soon.

I know that personally, I often find myself wishing that we could go back in time to a various occasion or age. I know that even now, I sometimes find myself wishing Spencer could be a newborn again, so tiny and curled up on my chest, or I could be nursing him again and have him clutching onto me with his tiny fist. I know that in not all that long I will be wishing for the days when he was only six months old, sitting and bouncing on the floor, full of smiles as he watches the dog play.

I feel like I'll spend countless hours of my life wishing he was little again.

So, why do I let myself wish that time would speed up now, just so I can do something other than savor the moments that I know deep down I will eventually miss?

Tonight, I wish I could push pause on our lives.

I know I won't always feel that way, and I will admittedly wish for circumstances and events to speed through to get onto something greater (whether it's sleep or just time to read something funny on a random website). But, I hope that I will be able to reframe most of those instances, so that I will again realize that time is short, and I'm going to wish for these moments someday.

Various Topics

As you may know (if you're a follower of my blog), I had a cystectomy on my tail bone in March. It was not a joyous experience, but it wasn't as bad as I imagined either.

Post-surgery, I thought I was very well-behaved, taking it easy for about a week, doing not much of anything (thanks to my amazing husband who was daddy, mommy, housewife, and provider all week), and then light activity for a few weeks after. I went for a few post-op visits and everything "appeared" to be fine.

So, I was disgraced and saddened when I realized that, in fact, it was not healing properly. I've been back to the surgeon a few times, and up until this past week, he didn't seem very concerned, which annoyed me and my husband. Following this last appointment, he verified that the incision site isn't really healing that well. In fact, as gruesome as this sounds, there's a hole in it. Sweet. NO wonder it's been uncomfortable and painful, among other things, ever since. So, he gave us a few instructions to helpfully help it actually heal, and I go back in a month or so.

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Lately, our little family is less financially stable than we used to be. I've been blaming myself for this a lot, especially since I make much less doing in-home daycare than I did doing center-based daycare, which was also less than teaching preschool, which was definitely less than social/community work. Ah!

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Today, I took Spencer to the park, by myself. He and I have been to the park with Jake or Jillian and the daycare kids before, but never alone. It was a wonderful experience! I had him in the baby swing, and got to talking to another mommy there, whose baby is just three days older than Spencer. So we were comparing stories and stuff. It was pretty cool. He used the swing, then one of those bouncy/rocking sit-on toys (a duck, actually) until he bonked his face on the handlebars (I was holding him, and he still did it... whoops), and then we went on the play equiptment and played with the tic-tac-toe board thing for a while, and then back to the swing, together, then the toddler swing, then the baby swing. Then we played in the grass with toys. It hit me, while playing in the grass, that I was AT THE PARK with my BABY. I'd spent years driving or walking by parks and seeing mommies and their babies and children and I would just pray that some day I would get to take my baby to a park. And I WAS AT THE PARK WITH MY BABY. I almost started sobbing pure joy. It was overwhelming. I didn't have to wish anymore, I was living that dream! Ah! Pure bliss!

Then we went for an hour long walk, and came back and sat on the step with the dog watching the cars go by. Both Spencer and the dog like cars.

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Spencer surprised me today and scooted five or so feet on his bottom and got the dog food bag. Didn't eat any, but was sure excited about his find.

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My brother, who is 19 now, but my youngest brother, is in the National Guard. Right now, he's training in MN to be deployed to Kuwait for a month, followed by Iraq for a year. The send-off celebration is this coming Friday, in Minnesota. I don't know how to prepare myself, emotionally and mentally, for the event. I try not to think about it too much. It's funny though, because I'm not really scared he will die overseas... but that the events will change him and we won't know him like we do now. He's one of the most easy-going, funny guys I know, and I don't want him to lose that part of himself. I know he'll change, but I hope he comes back and we still know him, if that makes sense. Of course, I'm also concerned for his safety, but I trust that God will be watching over him.

Another thing that gets me about the entire situation is that, with the exception of a short pass in July that I just found out he'll have, before actually being deployed, I will not see him for over a year. In a year's time, Spencer will be walking (I assume) and talking (a bit, hopefully), and be a little boy, not just a baby. He'll be nothing like Bryan knows of him now. That's crazy! And you never know, there's always a chance that Spencer would have a sibling on the way by the time he comes back. He was in training/camp this fall when Spencer was born... and it's just... hard to wrap my mind around, I guess.

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Anyway, the movie "Seven Pounds" is playing in the living room, and I should get to watching it, because it is almost to the area in which I fell asleep watching it last night (sorry about that, Jake, I had no idea I was so tired).

First Mother's Day

This is going to be just a "daily recap" sort of blog. That's my forewarning.

I had an (overall) wonderful first official Mother's Day! (I say official because I was pregnant last year.)

I got up early because Spencer was screaming, afraid of the thunderstorm. By "got up" I mean I woke up, and didn't get out of bed until Jake's best friend, Brian, and his girlfriend, Cari, were about to leave and informed me that I had a gift to receive. (It was a humorous picture book- I Haz a Hotdog).

I took a nice long (7 minute!), hot, Mother's Day shower as a treat to myself, and then realized I wasn't going to make it to the 10am church service with Jake (who does lights) because I was still in a robe and Spencer wasn't close to being ready either, and Jake was "late" and had to run out the door. So, I cried on the couch for six minutes (roughly), realizing how I'm tired of going to church alone, and sitting alone, Sunday after Sunday (or the Sundays that Robert or Jillian don't sit by me), while Jake does lights for the service. Then, I felt guilty wanting him to be with me at church because he likes doing lights. So, I cried.

Went to the 11:30 service at church, and sat by myself, of course. I started crying halfway through the service, actually, again, and then shortly after, my hero of a husband came and sat by me for a little while as there was a break in the "lights necessity" of the service. That warmed my spirits up. Following the service, we socialized with a few people, and realized that Spencer was basically dressed as a miniature version of the worship/creative arts pastor. He had on a plaid button up (of the exact same patter and design, just different color), blue jeans, and chucks (sneakers). I don't think Hal shops for himself at Children's Place, but you'd almost think it with how they matched. Haha.

After church, Jake took Spencer and I out for sushi again! I LOVE sushi! Spencer, turns out, loves steamed rice with teriyaki sauce, as well as ice water from a straw (poured from the straw into his mouth).

Jake then surprised me with a nook color! YAY! I had just sent him a text the day prior saying something along the lines of "every time I come to B&N I want a nook more badly." He said, "save up your paychecks and get one."
What a sneak.

So, I was quite delighted with that surprise.

Came home to charge the nook, work on some household chores, change Spencer's diaper and clothes (I didn't, Jake did, which was kind of a bummer because under his plaid shirt he was wearing his "I <3 MOMMY" shirt (but then changed into "My Mommy Rocks")) because he had a little accident, and then Spencer and Jake took a nap while I... did not nap. I do not remember what I did.

Following nap time, we went to Starbucks to use their wi-fi to set up my nook, as well as learn how to use my new cell phone, an HTC Aria. Unicel (our current provider) is switching to AT&T sometime this decade (we've been waiting MONTHS for this to actually happen) and we got new free phones. I enjoyed two beverages, and then we came home.

Jake fed Spencer, gave him a bath, and put him to sleep. Then, we watched "Napoleon Dynamite," and I fell asleep two minutes or so before it was finished. Then, I went to bed (more or less, after getting up hearing Spencer cry, doing some dishes, putting away laundry, and having a sleep-deprived, exhausted cry (which is kind of embarassing to admit)).

Here's a photo of the three of us at Starbucks, taken with my new phone, on my very first Mother's Day.
I love my little family of three (and a half, if you count a beagle as half a person).