He asked me if it was because the fact that he's excellent at it (not his exact words) made me feel frustrated or something.
I told him no.
I meant it.
He asked why, and I had to actually dig deep down to find the answer. When I finally did, I told him, "it's because it's not fun anymore. I started playing guitar for me, for fun, but it's not. Not when everyone would demand I play this for them, or that for them..."
It was kind of shocking, actually, that I felt that way, but then again, not really. When people would beg and plead for me to play a given song (any that I knew) I would begrudgingly do it and hope to be done as soon as I could.
When I first asked my parents for a guitar, I did it because I was inspired by someone I saw playing. It looked like fun. I didn't want to perform concerts, I just wanted to know how to play. My parents got me a guitar for Christmas in either 2000 or 2001, I think, and I was embarrassed to play in front of anyone. I was teaching myself in my room.
Gradually, I'd start playing for people, and it was fun, when it was on my watch. But when I'd be asked, I would put up a wall. I have no idea why.
I still don't know why.
But when I pick up a guitar to play for fun, for me, when I want to, it's completely different.
I want to get past it.
The other night, I went to move Ivy (the Ibanez guitar that Jake and I purchased a year or two ago) off the couch, and Spencer saw me. He got a big smile and started bouncing like he does when Jake plays for him. I assumed he thought I was going to play... so... I did...
for the first time since he was born! Holy cow! I hadn't played since I was pregnant. That's nuts!
I played the first song that came to mind, "Hold Me Now," by Jennifer Knapp. When I started singing, he started making "Aaaaaaahh" noises, like he was singing along, bouncing on the floor like he does when his daddy plays. It was obvious that he was excited and enjoying his private little concert.
That felt... well, indescribably wonderful. I loved seeing his face light up for me like it does for his daddy. I too know how to play. I might not be great, and I might be totally bashful and filled with stage fright, but I do know how, and I need to keep on.
In other news, last night, Jake's twin, Jesse, and his friend, Sam, came over to babysit Spencer and give Jake and I a night to ourselves. Jake took me out for some delicious sushi, then ice cream, and then to Best Buy to oogle over guitars, and finally for coffee. It was a lovely few hours away. Rumor has it, we might be blessed with these opportunities monthly. I guess we'll see!