This week was all about "getting stuff done" so the kids and I can move forward with our lives. I got quite a few tasks accomplished, and by Thursday, I was feeling pretty excited and also a bit liberated. Actually, since about last Sunday, for the most part, I have been in a positive place emotionally.
It never ceases to amaze me how a split second memory, thought, statement, or song can trigger strong emotions.
The past couple days, my emotions have been unsteady. This past week, I have had hard questions to try and answer for my four-year old, run-ins with judgmental people, and they didn't seem my to phase me so much as one title I saw online that had my memory reeling and tears flowing as I thought about happy times in the past, our whole family sitting on the couch together, going to church together, feeding the ducks together, visiting family together.
I suddenly was longing for those times again. It took my breath away. It was completely unexpected because I hadn't missed him in over two full weeks, and here I was, in the middle of the day, silently crying and trying to regain my composure.
At the suggestion of a dear friend, I prayed about it. Minutes later, I had a song stuck in my head. I wasn't sure why, exactly, as I hadn't heard in months at least, so I found the lyrics and read through them again.
After reading through them multiple times, I realized the song was telling me a couple things.
The first that, although I had prayed to break off the soul tie I had with him, some lingering connection remains and always will. And it hurts, because part of me wishes it could just be erased. The unexpected pain could only be healed by letting go again, and I need to work hard at that. I don't want what is going on now, I pine for the past I once lived as the present. And my mind knows this, but it's harder to feel with my heart 100% of the time.
"But I am alive and standing strong. I'm no farther forward, just farther along."
The second thing it brought to mind is back in March when the promise of redemption was before me, the promise of eternal love from my husband yet again, and the promise to leave the dark path he had chosen behind. And while it may have been what he really thought he wanted, he could not carry it out. And it made me wonder about love. I know he loved me once and what we had was real. But does he truly know how to love now? Clearly, he knows not how to love me and our children, but also I question his love for himself, comparing it with unhealthy choices and habits that continue, as well as his potential love for others.
"I don't know why I always run. Is it fear of the fall or fear of the touch? And I don't know how to really love; I've never stood still long enough."
The even more complex part of this particular song being brought to my Heart is that it is a song that I first heard at an acoustic outdoor concert at a Christian music festival with my husband back before we were married. And that memory is powerful and fresh and wonderful and brilliant and one of those experiences I wish I could relive with him and my children someday. But it will never be, and that makes it bittersweet. I can bring these types of memories to my children, but I'm still grappling with the reality that my forever has changed and we are rebuilding.
"It's taken ten thousand days to get stuck in my ways, and it offers no grace. I cannot stand this place. With love in my face, I walk away slowly."
Sometimes it is hard to think of the future and not be sad. Sometimes, it's empowering because I know I can and will love the mess out of these babies and we will thrive. Sometimes, I just can't see past the weekend. Most of the time, I am okay.
Tonight, I took out the Bible, and found this verse. It's exceptionally fitting, and I shall leave you to meditate on it for your own life, if you so choose.