The last single digit birthday for my first baby

Dearest Spencer,

This is your last night being eight. Tomorrow, you’re nine. Nine is the last single digit birthday. It’s hard to believe that it has been that many years since I laid in bed, crying both tears of excitement at your scheduled arrival the next day and tears of fear and worry that I wouldn’t be a good enough mom to you. That’s right. I prayed and longed for you most of my life, but the night before you were to finally meet us, I was terrified that I would fail you.

Truthfully, that’s been my fear every day since. I hadn’t thought about it really until that night nine years ago, when it completely overwhelmed me, but it’s been in my mind at some point almost every single day since.

God has reached me multiple times, of course, and reminded me who I am, my calling, who you are, and how perfectly equipped we both are to live this life together.

He made us for one another, you know.

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I made you, inside of me.

But you, my son, made me who I am, also inside of me.

You made me a mom, and as the two of us have discussed multiple times, we have been learning what that means, every day, together.

My brave boy, thank you for your patience as I continue to learn and embrace this calling upon my life.

I know this year, again, has brought us some struggles, but I think overall, it was a pretty good year of learning who we both are. I have watched you develop a new sense of confidence and really show me that when you set your mind to something that interests you, you can do amazing things.  Watching you succeed in taekwondo, for example, is one of those things and it brings me such great joy.

I’ve been so proud as I have watched your grades excel and hearing almost all positive reports from your teacher at school. Seeing you interact with kids on the playground and school functions has shown me you’re  coming out if your shell more this year. It’s been a delight to witness.

I’ve have also seen you grow over the year in your love for babies and toddlers, who up until this point, have made you a bit uneasy. This shows me your confidence and security are growing.

I love seeing your compassion for others continuing to grow, like when you suggest we pray fir people, donate things we don’t need, or when you snuck your arm around me at the theater watching the remake of “Lion King” and tried to console me while I sniffled away watching Mufasa die, even though we all knew it was coming.

That’s not to say that we haven’t had our issues and had things we have been working through. I know we struggle with the fact that you are feeling bigger and older now, and your conversations and tone of voice are occasionally something we are at odds about. I know also that as you continue to mature, there will be more awkward and in between quirks and things we will continue to navigate. I pray we both continue to have the patience to navigate these challenging waters we have up ahead.

I try not to think about it too much, but I know that ten is right around the bend, as well as a lot of big changes for your mind and body. I pray for wisdom and understanding for us both as those days come along.

I know that you struggle with your thoughts and emotions sometimes, especially when it comes to letting people in and sharing whats on your heart and your mind.  I am so proud of you for the growth you've exhibited in this area in the last year.

I also love watching you fulfill your role as a big brother.  You often have patience with your brother who tries every ounce of it and gets on your nerves more than you would like, but who is also one of your best playmates and someone who understands you better than most anyone in this world. I am so proud of you in that when he is being bullied, you've begun to stand strong and firm for him. You are a protector and leader for your little sister who adores you like no other.  They're both blessed to have you.

Thank you, dear boy, for still letting me hug you throughout the day  and give you kisses at bedtime. Thank you for the random snuggles and cuddles that I refuse to fully acknowledge are growing more scarce.  Thank you for all the random tidbits of information you share with me, because sometimes they're things I didn't already know, and I love knowing random things.  Thank you for making me laugh.  Thank you for challenging me to follow through with things that I expect of you all, like kind voices even when we are upset.

Spencer, I pray that year nine is a year of countless blessings. I pray you hear God speak to you, to help you understand your purpose in this world.  I pray that you continue to find your passions.  I pray that you continue to develop your drive.  I pray that you find the courage and strength to embrace your emotions, your fears, and your worries, and to find the words to let others know what bothers your heart when you're in a space feeling down.  I pray that this year you laugh like no other, that you sing your heart out, and that you explore and learn so much that you feel the world open up like it never has before.  I pray that you can stand up to peer pressure and know in your heart that you have it in you to do what is right, even when it's hard.  I pray that others can see the light inside of you, the one I see and know is there.  I pray that you realize that you are leaving a brilliant mark on this world.  I pray protection over you as you go, each day, into this big world that's continuing to expand all around you.

I pray you never doubt your worth.

I pray that you always know you are loved.

Dear son, I am so grateful you're mine.

 Happy Birthday when you wake, my first baby boy.

Love always, mom.