Showing posts with label trauma. Show all posts
Showing posts with label trauma. Show all posts

Saturday, January 29, 2022

One Year Later

On January 29, 2021, I woke up, stood up from my bed, and a real-life nightmare had begun.  The most intense, searing pain I had ever felt in my life started shooting, non-stop, from my foot through my spine, and I could not tolerate walking without crying out or shrieking in pain.  My children were terrified as they watched me battle six steps from my bed to my door frame, where I clutched on with all my might, not certain how I was going to continue any further.  I quite honestly thought I was going to die that morning.

God gave me the strength to walk the short distance across our apartment, where I tried my best to sit in a chair, but was splayed out as straight as I could be, crying and trying not to slip out.  Nothing was making the situation better. My mortified children got ready for school as quickly as they could, and I battled again as I made my way down the stairs and into our van, crying continually as I felt I was being stabbed, electrocuted, and tortured from the inside out during the school drop-off drive.  It was unsafe to drive that way, I know, but I was in a panic and did not know what else to do.

As my scared children got out of the van at the school, I couldn’t turn to face them as I told them I loved them, and my oldest son simply said, “You’re going to the doctor today, right?”  

He knows I’m stubborn. Even after having gone through covid twice by that point, and having had been to countless doctor and specialist visits as we tried to tackle the issues that lingered from that sickness, I hated the idea of going to the doctor unless it was absolutely necessary.  

“I’m going there next,” I said, realizing it was necessary.  I decided in that moment to go to the emergency room, because I was quite afraid that if I went home and called to make an appointment somewhere, I may not make it up and down the stairs again.  

I pulled up to the ER, forced myself out of the van and walked through the torture, tears running down my face, trying not to scream.  After quite a long visit where the doctor told me over and over she didn’t know what the issue was, serving me multiple strong pain killers and muscle relaxants and telling me it was probably just sciatica, she advised me to find someone to give me a ride home, and come back if it got worse- otherwise, just try to rest.

I went home and unable to function, I slept again.  I woke up many hours later, mustered the strength to try to stand up from my bed, and as I moved into standing motion, it was WORSE. In no way had I ever imagined it could be worse, but it was.  It was then, crying and shaking, I realized also that I could hardly feel my left foot.  

Panicking, I messaged a friend or two who advised me that yes, that was considered worse, and one of them offered to give me a ride back to the emergency room after work.  I agreed and tried my best to survive laying in bed again as I waited. I was terrified.  I had no idea what was going on and if it was going to be something we could fix.  I thought back to the morning and how the doctor figured it wasn’t really a big deal and told me over and over it just didn’t make sense.  I did not want to go back, but I also could not imagine staying home and living through the pain any longer.

I have a high tolerance for pain. I’ve had fractured ribs and worked through them the best I could, broken nose, daily intense pain in one foot, intense neuropathy in my legs for almost a year, natural childbirth, and other things… and I know that I am strong. I know I have a high tolerance, usually.

I thought maybe I was being ridiculous, but I really, truly, was afraid I might die.  It was that bad.

I returned to the ER to the same doctor as the morning, because it had not been even twelve hours.  I did not want my friend to see me in pain, so I said I would just go in on my own.  When I entered the door, they all were so shocked to see me back. I explained through gasping breaths and full-body shudders that it was in fact worse, and that I was losing feeling in my foot.

Still, that doctor insisted on pain killers and that it was probably sciatica.  She offered that I wait so she could consult the next doctor on shift change.

He was much more helpful. I could tell he believed me. As I laid flat in bed the pain was tolerable, but any time I would move, or try to sit up, I just could not any longer. He told me that he did not know what it was, but he was certain it was serious, and he suggested I be admitted to the hospital.

I came up with an abundance of reasons not to go.  I consulted family and friends, who all urged me it was the right choice, and I reluctantly agreed.  The ER doctor told me that in the hospital at least they would likely give me steroids (which was his suggestion) and do imaging to get to the bottom of it.  He did not feel it was in my best interest to refuse, and after another long wait and a visit from my friend, I took the ambulance to the hospital and was admitted.

The entire time, I felt so foolish.  While I was strapped flat to the stretcher, I was okay.  Getting me from the bed to the stretcher, I sobbed uncontrollably.  When we got to the hospital, it was the same.  I was not even moving my body on my own, but it was completely intolerable- unless I was laying flat and not moving.

It was a long, terrifying night, as I waited until the early morning hours to receive and MRI.  I was so exhausted, and at this time again on strong meds, that I slept through it.  The nurses and doctors and physical therapists throughout the day assured me I was not crazy, calling it a spinal injury, and assuring me they are insanely painful.  My nurse insisted I was incredible as she helped me to sit upright on my bed, lifted me to standing, and walked the 10 feet with me to the bathroom.  I was using a walker and I was being held up by that strap they fasten around your chest. I couldn’t stand straight, and I every time I would put any weight on my left foot, which I still could barely feel, it was that searing, incredible pain.  It took many minutes to get there, as I cried, and shuddered, and screamed, and grappled for air, yelling “I can’t do this anymore!  I don’t think I can make it!”  

It took a very long day and a half, doing multiple physical therapy sessions for suspected sciatica, before I had any results of the MRI were finally revealed.  My spinal injury was a ruptured, bulging disc, spinal stenosis, bone spurs and deterioration of some discs.  I had multiple doctors advise me that the only course of treatment that would likely be effective was spinal surgery. While I waited, we were trying physical therapy moves lying in prone position, as well as ice and a nearly constant TENS unit, to help with pain and the constant twitching in my buttocks and thighs. None of these did much to help.

The idea of spinal surgery terrified me as well. My thoughts swirled to the morning prior, and how it could have possibly been the very last time I saw my children face-to-face, because there was a risk of death with surgery, of course.  I couldn’t even hug them… all I had done was scream and cry.  I prayed, and asked for prayer from as many people as I could think of, scared to even share the news.  I had one visitor (because that was all I was allowed), my dear friend again, who brought me some clothing and a few things to do.

I agreed to surgery.  I had to covid test first.  I had told my nurse earlier in the day that I had already been sick with covid twice in 2020, so there’s no way it could come back positive.

An hour or so after the test was given, I had a notification in my phone that my results were posted.  

I was covid positive.  Again.

I broke down emotionally.   I could not fathom this result.  I called the nurse back in, and now that I was covid positive it took a long time for her to arrive in my room.  

Everything had shifted.  I had gone from having surgery in the morning so that I could hopefully function on my own again, to having no idea if and when I would be treated.  They thought that due to the severity, they would still likely do surgery- initially anyway.  I was told not to worry, as they transferred me to the covid wing of the hospital for isolation and development of a new plan.

I will be completely honest in saying that the moment I entered the covid room, I lost any shred of emotional strength I had left at that point, and sobbed for hours.  I cried all night long. The staff had hooked me up to all the necessary wires and then booked it out of there so quickly, leaving me alone, late at night, in a bright, loud room with the TV blaring, no remote near me, and the bed call button not functioning… and I bawled hysterically.  I was so exhausted. I felt so defeated.  I was completely and utterly overwhelmed and it was the only thing I could do.

Sometime the next morning, I had calmed down enough to speak with the new morning nurses who were not only much kinder, but so compassionate and understanding.  The news broke that I couldn’t have surgery and would have to isolate for ten days until I was cleared.  They held my hand as I cried.

Throughout the day we realized not only had I lost feeling in my foot and leg, but I could no longer feel my bladder or bowels and was at risk for rupture or other complications.  I was on multiple pain killers and steroids so I was able to sit up to about 25-30 degrees in the bed for short periods of time. I pushed my way through the new PT moves, still barely able to tolerate the pain enough to function.  Even on all those pain meds, it was still so incredibly severe.

Without God and the prayerful love of family and friends and the nursing staff, I do not think I would have emotionally or mentally survived.   I could have no visitors.  The staff rarely came in, because I wasn’t actively sick, so I didn’t need anything except meds, food, and to be helped to the bathroom.  I fought with infectious disease and made phone calls to the CDC and DOH to try to get another covid test and cleared for surgery.  I was allowed another covid test after begging, and that came back negative.  The CDC told me it was DOH’s prerogative how to handle it, and DOH said that if I had two negatives I could be considered clear.  They wouldn’t test me a third time, even after I argued with infectious disease.  I was defeated.  I was on so many painkillers.  I gave up on myself making decisions and allowed my sister to be the one to do so.  She also fought long and hard for me, for days, trying to get me cleared for surgery. We did not win.  They offered that I could go home and isolate if I didn’t want to stay in the hospital, but we argued that I could not do that as I could not complete any simple daily tasks on my own, and if I had covid and they didn’t want to be exposed to me, I shouldn’t be “forced upon” others who could catch it from me either.  They offered to send me to a nursing home. Thank goodness my sister was in charge, because in my defeated haze, I agreed.

It was my darkest point in years, if not maybe ever.  It was such a dark, somber room, surrounded by noises from other covid patient rooms and the talk of nurses outside.  It was incredibly lonely.  I tried my best to remain positive and joked with staff that would come and go, and tried not to complain or make their days harder.  They all seemed surprised by my faith and my smile and laughter, and I quite frankly told them that if they ever came in and I could not do either of those things they needed to be seriously concerned for my mental health.  They did so good on holding to that promise, making sure I was hanging on in every facet possible, as best as I could.  I felt like the hospital system was failing me, but my nurses most certainly weren’t.  God had definitely placed them there.

God gave me my church family to help me through as well. There were many prayers and messages from them and one particular night, my pastor, Brent, sang a song to me that was a message from God. I listened to it over and over for the remaining days, and even in the weeks after I was released from the hospital.  My friends and family provided the same support.  I received some flowers and gifts dropped off to help me pass the time, as well as a few good lattes.  I had perfectly timed messages of worship songs sent to me multiple times, and I listened and let those be prayers over me repeatedly.  There was not a lot that anyone could do, but these things were huge.

Some of the nurses even commented that God had placed me there for them as well.  It was one of the things I held dearly in my heart as I continued to live the nightmare for days on end.

Finally, on February 10, I was cleared of isolation and prepped for surgery.  Another of my best friends came that day to be with me and pray while the procedure was going on, and to keep my dear ones informed.  She was the first familiar face I had seen in almost two weeks, and it was a huge breath of fresh, promising air.

I told her how scared I was that I wouldn’t see my children again.  I did not really believe I was going to die, I admitted, but that fear was there, knowing it was a possibility.  I was anxious about potential complications, or that it wouldn’t solve the issues anyway.  She prayed over me in the hallway outside the operating room, and then I closed my eyes and it seems to be the last thing I remember.

While I was in between surgery and being awake afterward, in an anesthesia haze, I had this vision.  It was a spinal column, and the lamina were in rainbow formation.  I felt that God was telling me I would one day walk on my own again, without pain.  It was His promise- just like the rainbow centuries ago was His promise.  I woke up with hope.

I do not remember much of anything else that day, except seeing my friend’s face again, and being so thankful and relieved.

The next day, I sat in a chair, upright, for breakfast.  It was only a few minutes, but it was the first time in over two weeks I was able to sit up past 30 degrees without crying or yelling or trembling in pain.  I knew God would fulfill His promise.  I had another of my dearest friends visit me that night, and seeing her lit up the hope inside of me even further. I broke into tears as she told me she had seen my kiddos at the daycare where we worked and they were smiling and happy that I was okay.  

The next day, my sister, who had fought so valiantly on my behalf came.  She stayed for such a long time, watching me as I learned to walk all over again.

When I was finally discharged a day or two later, I went to her home to heal.  I stayed there for weeks as I continued physical therapy and learning to walk, do stairs, sit, and other things, all over again.

I was so incredibly blessed during the nightmare I was living through, by so many people.  I know there are even more people praying over me than I consciously know about, and so many other ways we were blessed- people caring for my children, getting them to and from school and daycare, praying over me, sending me flowers, and so much more.  I knew the entire time, that even though I felt lonelier than I ever had before, we were most definitely not alone.

It’s a year later.  I have regained a little sensation back in my left foot and slightly more in the inside of my calf. I have not noticed any progress in that area in many months, but I believe it can still happen.  If it doesn’t I have went through months of physical therapy and can do everything I could before, even if it’s a little clumsy, or I can’t do as well or as long as I used to.  I still have pain during some tasks or body positions, but it is in no way like the pain I had during the ordeal.  During surgery, they not only removed lamina from l4/L5, bone spurs, part of disc and ligament, but they also found calcification that was pressing on my spinal cord internally in addition to the spinal stenosis, and it was speculated that the inflammation from six weeks of fighting off covid fevers the first time could have dislodged that calcification, which could have been the cause for the neuropathy I had suffered from since having covid that first time.   That pain has not returned since surgery!  So, while I am not pain free, I still believe God is fulfilling that promise that I will walk on my own (which I am again) pain free.  It took me months, but I was finally able to return part time and with some restriction to the job I have loved for seven years. I know I'll continue to gain the strength and stamina to be there full time again.  

A few months after this nightmare took place, knowing I was going to find a counselor to help me process through the countless layers of trauma, I decided to get a tattoo to commemorate my journey.  I went with this design.  The rainbow symbolizes God’s promise to me.  The guitar is symbolic of worship and praise carrying me through.  

For the most part, I’m doing really well, having processed through most of the trauma.  Sometimes, things still trigger me or catch me off guard.  I have cried about the journey multiple times since coming home, and I know I will continue to heal physically, emotionally, and mentally for quite some time. I have bad days where I’m frustrated by physical limitations or restrictions, but I have become much better at reminding myself of how far I’ve come.  I tell myself I had to learn to sit again, walk again, and so many other things… again.  I did those hard things.  God walked alongside me and carried me through when there was nothing I could do but cry.  

So, one year later, I can again say, even through this, God is good.

Sunday, June 7, 2020

I am okay.


I am okay now.

It took me quite a while to get here, though.

If you aren’t my friend on Facebook, you might not know, but on March 31, I was sent home to isolate from the world.  I had ended up in the emergency room after helping my three littles with their distance learning, after the schools all shut down.  I thought there was a possibility I was going to have a heart attack. 

I had to test for Covid-19, which at the time, seemed crazy to me.  After the test, I was sent home to wait on the results.  They told me in approximately 3-5 days, I should know, and best case scenario was that I did not test positive and I could go back to “regular” life when that result came.

I had no idea how sick I was going to be.  I barely had a cough at that time, and my temperature was 100.1 and I had no idea.  I felt fine, nothing unusual from the colds I so often seem to get.

As the week went on, I slowly started feeling more yucky, and like I had bronchitis or something.  I was sure it was not coronavirus.  I hardly left the house and did as much as I thought I could to prevent possibly catching it.

I tested positive for Covid-19.  I received the phone call that Friday.

By then, I was surprised, but also not surprised.  By that point, I definitely didn’t feel well.

I spent the next EIGHT WEEKS battling Covid-19, and then pneumonia as a result of it.  I am still battling a cough, though every day it’s less and less frequent and forceful.  

Those eight weeks are both a blur but also burned into my soul.

I am not going to get into all of the physical symptoms I dealt with, although there were multiple days and nights I was unsure if I was going to be able to battle it at home.  

On June 1, the children and I were finally released from our isolation.  While this was an extremely joyous and welcome release, it turns out, it was also the trigger for emotional and mental turmoil I did not realize I was suffering from.  

It was this really weird feeling like the world had collectively been through this pandemic, all sorts of changes and restrictions, and world being turned upside down and closed off for weeks. I knew and understood it but did not relate. Similarly, I had been through the pandemic but personally through an intense period of illness, breathlessness, struggle internally and externally, feeling like a failure as a mom unable to care for my kids as I knew I should, trying to balance my fear of them getting sick if I was around them with the fear of their hearts being sick if I wasn't around them, being isolated with no one to call on physically for assistance in the home, solitude and feeling like my struggles were unrelatable. I was part of the world but displaced from it. Being released felt like being let loose into a place I no longer really fit into or understood.  It also timed perfectly that my "release" occured at the moment the country was quite literally on fire with civil unrest and I did not know how to process it. 

Finally, I was going to be able to go back to work, the job I’ve had for five years, a job I LOVE, with people I LOVE.  

But as soon as I saw my name on the work schedule, my heart started racing and I felt sick to my stomach.  I wanted to be there, so it did not make sense to me that I would be having this physical aversion.  The thoughts started swirling and tears started falling as I realized all the ways things have changed there- children in new rooms, different staff, new policies, art taken off the walls, and new paint.  They all sound so trivial.  I told myself it was just me overthinking things. 

I went to work on Monday.  As soon as we walked to the door, the kids pointed out a poster on the wall talking all about Covid-19 and instantly a wall went up around my soul.  I could hardly make eye contact with my dearest coworker, who I trust with everything.  She’s seen me through so many traumas and heartaches, trials, tribulations, breakthroughs, and joy in five years.  But I could hardly form words.  

I just kept telling myself I did NOT want to cry.  I am a crier, as much as I hate it, and I was doing everything, consciously and subconsciously, to avoid tears.   I went to the grocery store and was completely overwhelmed when I couldn’t find the apples from where I was standing and all of the weird dots and arrows on the floor did not make sense in my mind for any route I would have taken under normal circumstances.  By Tuesday night, I realized the self-sabotage of that wall, and fought off so many negative thoughts toward myself of stupidity and embarrassment.  

Throughout the week following being at work, I realized just how messy my spirit was feeling.  I spoke and wrote the words to more than one person that “my faith is okay, but my mind is a mess.”  I knew that God would see me through this next leg of the journey, but at any given moment, I just didn’t feel okay.

I tried to trivialize it within myself.  I told myself I didn’t have it THAT bad with Covid-19 and pneumonia.  I never did end up in the hospital on a ventilator.  I played down the severity and refused to use the word “trauma” to describe my situation.  I was just sick, and I had been sick before.

The more I thought about it, and the more my emotions kept creeping up (no matter how hard I tried to push them down), I was able to begin to put them to words.  A few close friends suggested possible things like PTSD related symptoms or moral trauma.  They were able to pinpoint emotions and things I had taken on before I even could.  They were able to point out so many ways my heart and spirit were injured or affected by the two long months.  They were spot on and I could not argue, just embrace the insight being given to me.

I am broken.  I am hurting.

But I am okay.  

I am broken BUT I AM HEALED. I am hurting BUT I AM COMFORTED.

All at the same time.

It’s interesting, isn’t it, how Jesus makes it possible to be both.   We are earth-side but we are eternal.  He understands and sees our pain but he counters it with his life.

Last night, I expressed to my friend that I was unsure I was brave enough to go to my actual, physical church building and experience the service live today.  She asked if it was fear.

I realized it was.

So I asked what God could give me to replace the fear I was trying so hard to give up to Him.

I heard the word “assurance.”  I did a quick google search for that word in the Bible and the verse that struck me was 2 Chronicles 20:17 “You won’t have to lift a hand in this battle; just stand firm, Judah and Jerusalem, and watch God’s saving work for you take shape. Don’t be afraid, don’t waver. March out boldly tomorrow- God is with you.

This morning, I woke up, and immediately my heart was racing.  I was feeling anxious.  

I put on my best “brave” which felt so weak and uncertain, and drove to church. I sat in the parking lot, feeling overwhelmed.   

I remembered the verse and I went in.

I was embraced by a hug and instantly started crying.  I received another hug and was holding my composure fairly well, and went to sit down.  I felt like I was going to burst at the seams so I left and came back again.  Then I sat there, just trying to breathe through all of the anxiousness I was feeling. I didn’t want to cough, even though I know I’m not contagious anymore according to the Department of Health, but I did not want to scare anyone.  I did not know if I was sitting too close to people.  I knew if I started crying I would start coughing and did not want to make a scene or stress anyone out.

Well, as God would have it, I cried all the way through worship. 

Then the message was about overcoming- the first half was about the healing of one’s mind.

I realized that God had led me to where I needed to be.  No, He pushed me where I needed to be, into uncomfortable waters, so he could calm and restore.  

After the service, I let him pull me forward for personal prayer.  Step-by-step, my trusted friend led me through breaking off so many layers of chains that had wrapped around my spirit.   When I couldn’t think of words, she helped me.  I tore off guilt, shame, fear, anxiousness, unworthiness, loneliness, and so, so much more.  

I don’t remember each layer.

I remember there were many.  I remember I shook and I sobbed and I told her how I felt like I had been imprisoned in my home, and felt burdened like I was wrapped in chain mail.  And now that I was “free” I felt out of place where the freedom was being given back to me.  Where I first felt imprisioned and alone, I had begun to find my “comfort,” and the freedom overwhelmed every part of me. 

When the breaking off was done, the filling began, and I remembered who I really am. I could see her again.  I am okay.  The healing has begun.  I feel better.

She hugged me, and I was not afraid or nervous for the first time in two months.  I realized that even though I had been given hugs from my children, and then a few after being let out of my apartment, they were always tainted with the fear of harming others or making them sick.   They were tinged with the fear of  “death.”  

This hug was not like that.  This hug was filled with hope and life.

And I was able to walk out of that sanctuary without the weight of the world on my shoulders.  I had a real smile.  I was able to make eye contact with people who loved me.  I received more hugs.  I cried good, healing, releasing tears.

I did not get a chance to talk to everyone who prayed for me or loved me through these months, and I was feeling a little overwhelmed again, not negatively this time, but just in the way that I had been through a whirlwind and I was getting tired.  

I had to go back to the grocery store before coming home.  I walked in and I felt okay.  I did not cry.  

I came home and prayed again.  I turned church back on, and continue to listen to the message again as I write this story.  

God has me.

I’ve known it all along.

But I kicked that wall down this morning and I now I feel it.

I know, realistically, there are still triggers out there I am going to face.  I know that there may be struggles.  I know that I am human and I may falter and stumble still.  I know that the enemy is going to continue his pursuit of me.

I’m thankful though, that today, I can see more clearly.  I am thankful that I am comfortable again with being honest and open about how I really am.  I am so thankful that God pushed me where I needed to be today, despite myself, so I could be embraced by His love, through His words to me, and through those He placed beside me who love me. 

I pray that as I continue to face these triggers or thoughts and memories that may come along, I’ll have the strength and openness to keep that wall broken down.

I am finally able to say that this experience was a trauma.  I say it without quotations marks to downplay it.  It was a trauma.

However, if there’s one thing that God has shown me, through worship, church, and others alongside my journey, is that I am an overcomer.  He and I will overcome this, too.


Wednesday, January 15, 2020

Day One

Today is a milestone day. It's one I don't talk about frequently, and in the past, pretty much only with people I know well.



Five years ago today was day one.  Day one of myself really taking charge of my children and my future in big ways.

Leading up to day one was almost a year of struggles and heartache and turmoil and unknowns and the world falling apart in front of us, where I felt we were just being washed up by the tide and I was trying to stay afloat and just praying we would make it by.  With the help of some dear and trusted family and friends, we did make it by, and I found the footing underneath myself to step into day one.

Day one happened at night.  One night after work at my job of 6 weeks, I came home with the children, and made the terrifying, bold, now-or-never decision to pack us up and move from our temporary shelter in a friends apartment to the new (at the time) homeless shelter, knowing our time would have to end with her soon anyway due to a lease being up, and feeling like if I didn't act, we would run out of options quickly.

So, we went, one cold winter night.

It was a temporary solution that felt like an eternity, especially the first night, as I heard my infant daughter's crying in our cold, empty bedroom, because my two-year-old son had woke up screaming and terrified, as it echoed into the high ceilings and sounded like it would echo for eons.  We had to be up and out before the sun rose the next morning, and I had hours to waste before I had to be at work, but 90 minutes to waste before we could be let back into the doors of our temporary shelter.  The next nights weren't any better, really, and I barely slept in days.  But, we stepped out, day one, day two, and continued, one foot in front of the other, until we found a temporary apartment at the St. Francis House (which is sort of like transitional housing for the homeless) and then I had enough footing and finances to secure our permanent home, the same apartment we have been at since.

Tonight, I came home on another freezing cold night, to a warm, inviting home, where instead of hearing my baby cry echo, I hear laughter in the bedroom as the children play together happily.

We have come such a long way since that first day.

I am very proud of us for holding onto God as he helped us navigate year after year of struggle, to bring us to this fifth year, where I think we are happier and healthier in many ways than we have been since, I dare to say, before my daughter was ever born.  God is so good.

I won't continue on, I've written about this before.  If you care to read more about it, or another milestone post, you can by clicking here.

Here's an excerpt I read this evening from my journal that night.  I have to smile as I read the last sentence.  God has done just that, in more ways than one.

"Tonight, here we are. In a family room at a homeless shelter where we can’t have food or drink in our possession, our clothes had to be sanitized before we could have them, we can have no TV, and minimal personal belongings.


I know I should and shouldn’t feel both ashamed and embarrassed. I do feel both. As I walked through those doors with a few bags of clothing and a few handfuls of toys, I knew this was the bottom or very close to it. I feel betrayed by myself and my marriage and my hope and my faith.
As I laid down beside my two toddlers tonight to help them relax and fall asleep, I sang to them, and their eyes quickly closed. My tears started flowing, and I realized that my heart is still so full of love. I feel beaten, but I feel brave. I have been told for years I am strong. People admire my strength and my outlook.
Tonight, I am tested. I am at the edge of my strength and my positive outlook. But, I am going to take that leap of faith that miracles will happen and my children and I will have a home soon. I have faith that my credit can be restored. Someone will give is a chance. It won’t always be this. I won’t always be at the bottom.  I am seeking strength like never before. Strength I don’t know that I have. I am praying endlessly for miracles. God can redeem this all, and maybe if I’m so fortunate, my children will have a mended family someday too."

Friday, March 14, 2014

20 years

There are events in nearly each person's life that burn themselves into memory. These events can be major happenings like a first born child, or small things like winning a school-wide handwriting contest in the third grade (yes, I remember both). They can be happy or sad. They can be uplifting or traumatic. It's just how life works.

Dates are sometimes triggers for memories. Songs can be too. I know there are many others, but these are two strong ones for my mind.

Twenty years ago today, I returned home from school just like I did most every other day. But something was off. I had no idea what really, but something was off. A few hours went by until I was given an answer.

"Carissa is missing."

The words still echo.

The news came on at six and verified the nightmare. My two-year-old cousin, who was very much like a baby sister to me, as my cousins and I grew up together as close friends and siblings, disappeared at her family farm. 

I still have my journal entry from that night written in my very first journal. It was mostly a prayer to God that she would be found safe. For years, I would look at the entry, upset about the prayer that had gone neglected. Now, with matured faith, I know He answered, just not in the way I wanted, but she was found, and by then, she was safe in His arms.

The next two days were torture as my 10 year-old mind comprehended the gravity of the situation. Family, friends of family, and strangers gathered on the farm to help find our little girl. After days of searching, her body was retrieved from the river where it was determined she had snuck out the door from the house, silently, followed the dog down the hill, and slipped in, losing her breath and earthly life. It was such a horrible, unexpected accident. I still see the event so clearly, but I will spare exact details from my memory.

It was extremely traumatic. I had visions and nightmares for years. Her older sister who is a few years younger than I, and I, attended a grief/loss support group for children once to help heal. It probably helped some.

As time went on, the nightmares subsided. It wasn't until I took a college writing course at school in the 10th grade, and I wrote a descriptive essay about the event (which garnered tears from multiple teachers and professors as well as an A+ grade) that I think I really healed.

It still makes me sad, but it's much easier to cope with. Sometimes, I still feel like that little girl who was so upset she couldn't even stomach Pepto Bismol to quell the nausea (I still cannot to this day drink that stuff) or the 10 year-old with a 2 year-old, blonde-haired giggly baby attached to her hip spinning in the front yard. I can see Carissa dancing to "Cecilia" by Simon and Garfunkle and remember laughing at her thinking it was the cutest thing. I listen to that song still and that's where my mind goes.

More often than not, now, I feel the loss like a mother. I felt so horrible as a child for the loss and trauma my aunt and uncle had to endure, but now, with two toddlers of my own and a baby on the way, I embrace it more strongly. I put myself in their shoes. It breaks my heart in a new way, and truthfully, causes terror at the thought that my own children could be gone in the blink of an eye. 

It's affected my parenting, too, I'm sure. There was a long time where bath time terrified me or my kids getting water in their faces at bath or pools freaked me out. I still find myself nervous while someone else bathes them and they become quiet, even though I know it's sheer terrorized paranoia. I worry about them opening doors, or being so quiet playing outside that they've disappeared. I worry about losing them so young and never seeing them grow up. I hate the idea of losing another beautiful young toddler in our family and spending the rest of our lives wondering who they would have become.

I admire my aunt, my uncle, and my cousin, for overcoming the loss. They are each a beacon of strength and hope.  Today, as I do each year, I pray for their continued healing and send them all my love.