Thursday, February 10, 2011

Wit's End.

It's been the longest and most challenging week of my motherhood journey to date. God willing, there will be many, many more years of motherhood, and with that, I'm sure more challenging weeks as well. But, thus far, this week has been the hardest on me.

Last Friday, Spencer started getting cranky... really sensitive. Especially to loud noises. I guess, actually, I noticed it that Thursday, when Wendell barked and SJ screamed like he has never screamed before. He was screaming so hard in my mom's lap that no noise was coming out.

Friday, he was taking a bath with his buddy, and his buddy was yelling in the tub, playfully, and a similar scream started.

Saturday, Jake and I were at our friends' house, and he was fussy, and not eating well, and just.. out of sorts. That's when Jillian and I discussed the possibility of an ear infection.

Sunday morning, before church, I took my dear son to acute care, where he was in fact diagnosed with an infection in his right ear. (Funny, though, how when we were at the doctor he was playful and happy as could be, so much that the doctor thanked me for bringing him in on an cold and dreary morning to bring joy to his day, while just half an hour before he was super upset and such.)

The week following has been pretty hard on me. It's really difficult (as most mothers will tell you) to watch your baby or child in pain or in illness and not be able to comfort them or help them at all. I experienced that for the first time this week. The first half of the week I was doing okay. I knew it would pass and I felt horrible for him for his pain and suffering.

Not to say that I still don't...

Wednesday, Jake was kind enough to give me some "time off" from being a Work-at-Home-Mom, so I went and got new glasses, and worked a little/babysat for Grayson, before coming home and then going to Bible Study.

But today, I feel like I am getting close to wit's end. It's been a long and difficult day. Tons of screams, plenty of tears, and an insatiable appetite that I'm ill-equipped to deal with.

Oddly, today isn't really any worse than the rest of the week, but somehow, it really feels like it. I believe it is the stress of the first half of the week, not being able to really sleep, and feeling like I'm in it slightly alone most of the day. I mean, not while I'm working, because I'm with Jillian, but at home. I have no one to turn to. I can't seem to put him down for long, before he gets super upset. He doesn't sleep long, nap-wise.

Tonight, I was famished, and I needed to eat, but I knew that if I came home to try, he'd wake up (he was sleeping in the suburban for the longest nap of the day (approximately 25 minutes)) and then I wouldn't get to eat. So, I went through a drive-through. Of course, not moving in the vehicle woke him up and started the shrill shrieking and sobbing and hysterics in his car seat, which led me to break down sobbing, giving up on my idea (with food in hand by that point), and heading home. There, I propped his bottle (which I really detest doing) and tried to eat next to him, which he wasn't going for, so I had to give up and feed him with one hand and attempt to eat my chicken with the other. Didn't go well, but eventually, we were both fed.

And then he cried... and I cried... and he cried... and I cried... and I realized that I wanted to get away from him. I just wished he'd stop crying! Then I felt bad. Then he cheered up. Then I cheered up.

And soon enough, the cycle started over.

And, I have to admit, I've caught myself a few times this week just begging him to stop. Not yelling, nor telling him to "shut up," or "be quiet," or anything, but just pleading that it would stop. I've probably even said it aloud. Today, I know I said something like, "There's nothing even wrong with you right now. You're just mad that you're in your car seat." After I said it, I felt like a horrible mom.

It's hard. I knew it would be, but I just didn't expect it to be as hard as it is. At work, when a kid was sick, you sent them home. Well, when you work in-home and your kid is sick... you work while he's sick. And even if you don't work in home, you are the one who takes care of your ill child. I knew that, but I'd never experienced it before.

I'm hoping the antibiotic works, because come next Wednesday, if he still has an ear infection, the rope that's unraveling within me might actually break. (Yes, I feel I'm being dramatic there.)

Seriously, though. I'm stressed, and trying not to be, so that he's calm and collected and kicks this infection in the butt.

Prayers would be appreciated, for my patience and stress-level.


  1. Prayers on their way, as well as a question, if we may. We read your blog from time to time and enjoy the pictures and posts about motherhood and Spencer, but wonder why you're not breastfeeding?? It just seems counterintuitive that you aren't, but use cloth diapers and seem to be in the genre of people who are dedicated to it.

  2. I don't know how many times I've heard these words come out of my mouth:
    "Stop crying, there is nothing wrong."
    It gets worse as they get older and realize tears get certain results.
    But do not let all this discourage you...yes, it's hard, and yes, sometimes you feel at the end of yourself. But in all reality, God chose YOU to Mother him, He CHOSE you. He prepared you for this, He equipped you. Sometimes it almost unbearable, especially alone, but that's when you HAVE to call someone and say, "I'm freaking out, I need help, please." Do not be afraid to ask for help. I, for one, am here if you need anything. Whether that be a shot of whiskey or a babysitter. I got your back. :)
    Sorry for the rant of advice...But i can relate so well to this post. These are just some thoughts that helped me.