Today, something hit me. It wasn't a bird, or a ball, or a hand, or a bus.
It was a simple realization, but it had the effect of any of the aforementioned on my emotions.
You see, I'm sleep deprived. I have been for years, really, but the past couple have been even harder because I've been pretty much doing it alone, and my darling, sunshine and roses little intelligent princess sleeps like a newborn, even though she's over two years old now. Top it off with her latest sinus and ear infections waking her every half hour or so for the last five or more nights...
It's exhausting. I've tried pretty much every thing I can think of to bring an end to this torture (constant sleep deprivation feels like torture), but so far nothing has consistently worked.
So, while I was mustering all my energy to stay awake today, I got to thinking about how my kids have, for countless nights now, hindered my REM sleep.
And in the spiral of thought that proceeded, I got to thinking about how their dad has left me to do all the parenting all alone all of the nights (unless the children are having a sleepover elsewhere which occurs every 50 days or so (I really don't count)), and therefore, they cause me to lose sleep.
And I wondered if they ever cause him to lose sleep... Does he ever toss and turn and regret his choices? Does he miss them? Etc.
Then I was thinking about how I get anxious thinking about my kids being overnight away from me and not seeing them for a couple days. And he hasn't seen them in 11 months.
And then... The metaphorical bat hit me when I realized that I have given them more consistency in their lives than the boys probably ever remember and that Norah has ever known.
I have, without his help. I found and afforded an apartment for us, and we have now lived here 10 months. And I have been at the same job day after day where the kids attend daycare day after day for 18 months. Norah is only 26 months old and before this home and this job her life especially was just chaos.
It blew me away knowing that despite all the exhaustion, I have provided something so important for them. I guess that's worth losing sleep over.
(But don't let this realization that it's worth it fool you... I would still love a full night's sleep (or many) more than most anything in this world.)