Saturday, February 13, 2016

A pretty good friend

Back in September 2014, my husband and I sat in our van, discussing this crossroads we were at, where he wanted a break from his family and wasn't sure if he wanted to stay married. He told me reason after reason he didn't want to stay, didn't know if he wanted to work on his issues to try to better himself and didn't know if he wanted to try to work on our marriage.

He knew I wanted to and would fight til the death, and I would give him the time he needed. 

While we talked, tears down both of our faces, holding hands even, I voiced my concerns about the future if we divorced. What happens if he finds another wife, where would he live, would we still share family, would I have to say goodbye to his family that became mine for over a decade, would he still care about me at all or would he hate my guts?  There were so many unknowns.

He answered most of them with how he believed it would go. He said he didn't think he would remarry because he had so many issues, I wouldn't have to lose his family, he never wanted to live far away because he wanted the kids and I in his daily life. Because he still loved me and always would, because before anything, we were friends. And he swore we would always be friends.

Then he disappeared for over seven months. He was served divorce papers and didn't even respond or fight. He didn't fight for his kids. He didn't fight for a friendship.

He just didn't do anything.

Tonight, I miss him, not as a husband, but as the friend I had almost 15 years ago, where we stayed up late on the phone or emailing, visiting, chatting, road tripping to see each other. There were so many hours of talking, laughing, dreaming, playing games and guitar, reading and writing, taking photographs, walking and exploring...

And now there's nothing.

He was undeniably one of the greatest friends I had for a hue portion of my life.
Until he wasn't anymore.

I didn't know it until too late.

And I believed him a year and a half ago when he said he would never want to lose me as a friend.

All things considered, even going through all this mess, I think I am a decent friend. I know I possess a few qualities that many would deem good for friendship anyway.

And he just walked away. Completely walked away. He lied to my face and took my best friend away.

It makes me angry. I start to stir up the pot of self-doubt. I battle it down telling myself that God loves me. I seek out friends I know will speak truth over me so the lies in my heart won't scream.

But regardless of that all... It hurts. I thought I was a pretty good friend, and even through a divorce, I could have been a pretty good friend to him. I wanted to be a good friend to him through all of this. I wanted to. 

Until now. Just minutes ago, actually. Realizing he didn't even fight for a friendship... 

Now... I have no words.

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