From One to Two

Jake and I planned to have our children close together. Especially the first two. We've wanted that since we first discussed having children together. Jake has an identical twin, so he'd always had someone close to him as a companion. My brother and I are about 2.5 years apart, and we were pretty close growing up, too. It was nice to have a playmate living with you, despite the bickering and nonsense that ensued. It was an automatic friend and companion. And, we'd always wanted that for our children, too.

Spencer is 10 months old. I am nearly 8 weeks pregnant. Baby Sprout is due around April 18, 2012. When Mister or Miss Sprout arrives, assuming all goes well, Spencer will be 17 months old.

We're very excited!

However, if I get to thinking about it, sometimes I feel a little bit overwhelmed.

I wonder, "are we crazy?!"

I tell myself we aren't. I know we aren't.

But sometimes, it seems scary. It seems like it's going to be a lot for me to handle. For us to handle, though Jake works away from the home, and I am with Spencer (and Sprout) all day.

I was talking with a friend today, sharing my thoughts on the situation, and how it's going to seem like a really big change, going from one child to two children. It was a big change going from Jake and Nicole to Jake, Nicole, and Spencer, too, but for some reason, Jake, Nicole, Spencer, and Sprout seems a bit more drastic a change.

It's "difficult" at times to manage bringing an infant (child) around on short trips, say a run to get gas for the car, or to mail a package, get groceries, try on clothes in a dressing room. But, it's manageable, assuming Spencer cooperates and will sit in a cart and not try to crawl out from under a dressing room door.

But, when I have Spencer in the cart, and another baby to add, will it be impossible? Surely not, as many mothers already do it, but sometimes I am afraid I will feel that it will be. Will I be able to manage a trip to the doctor's office with two children if one is sick? Will it be manageable to take both children out of the vehicle into a gas station if I can't just pay at the pump? I don't know.

I foresee trips and errands will take a lot more planning and combining into one grand sweep across town, but will it work efficiently enough? Or will I lose my mind?

And what about mealtime, or bedtime? Will Sprout wake Spencer in the middle of the night while Jake's on an overnight and I won't be able to get either to sleep as they feed off each other, crying incessantly and I end up joining them?

How will I manage the dog? Taking him out to the bathroom? Will I be able to leave two children in the house and know they're safe? Will I have to "quarantine" them every time I get the mail? Will I be able to leave them alone while I switch the laundry?

What if an emergency happens and I have to try to manage both getting ready?

What if I get sick and can barely function, and have to take care of two children under two?

What if Spencer resents us in the future, because we were so "eager" to bring him a playmate that he doesn't think that we gave him enough time alone?

There are so many fears I have, so many worries. I try not to let them get the best of me. They've been dwelling in my mind ever since we aced that test on August 7th.

Now, I finally was able to write them out. I feel a little bit better.