Friday, September 16, 2011

My thoughts on public grief in regard to my miscarriage.

I know it is a fairly common practice to keep a pregnancy a secret until one is considered "in the safe zone," or the second trimester. With Spencer, we told the world as soon as we saw the heartbeat. With Sprout, it was the same. I had always thought that I would love to share as soon as we knew the baby was healthy, meaning we saw a heartbeat, so that no matter what happened, we would have people praying.

I am glad we were able to share the joy of Sprout's blessing upon our lives with the world. As short lived as his or her presence was, at least we were able to really celebrate it. And, in a way, I think it may make the great loss a tiny bit more tolerable.

I think had I been forced to bury the miscarriage in secret, the pressure of having to "put on a game face," and pretend nothing is wrong would, undoubtedly, shatter my already broken heart.

While it may seem excessive grief to some, for example, those who do not wish to be a support to my family, at least I am fortunate to be able to grieve, as strong as I need, how I need to, without shame. I am a woman who has always been "blessed" with intense emotion, whether they're positive or negative, they are always strong. I cannot help but weep uncontrollably at the loss of the child I had been waiting to meet, and laugh uncontrollably at the joy of the son I already have. And, I think that's okay.

Writing, for example, my blog, or poetry, has always been a therapy I was gifted to be able to give myself. And, I like to hope that tete will be one person out there, somewhere, who can relate to my words, and find some solace, comfort, or understanding, in my story. From the struggle of infertility, to the joy of the birth of a child after winning the battle, to the joy of a second miracle, to the overwhelming loss of a baby, (or really any situation in between) no one should have to go through any season of life alone.

I can't say that I am not afraid people will judge me or think I'm "pathetic" or "weak" for being as heartbroken and sorrowful as I am, but, I have decided not to let that get me further down.

As I laid in bed before needing to clear my mind in hopes of another night's rest, I realized how absolutely surreal it is to me that in less than a year's time, one of the happiest days of my life came upon me, when our son Spencer was born (read here), and also one of the very saddest days of my life also occurred, the loss of our beloved and anticipated second child, Sprout (read here).


  1. I can't imagine a single person who would think you are weak for grieving. Even those who don't want a family or to expand theirs must understand this is a difficult and personal experience for you but I find it uplifting how positive you've been through it all.

  2. I wish I could like Cole's comment because she says what I wanted to say perfectly.

  3. This brings me comfort, no matter when or how many times I have read it. I think I've shared it with you before. It's comforting to feel those that we have lost all around us in the beauty of the world.

    Do not stand at my grave and weep;
    I am not there. I do not sleep.
    I am a thousand winds that blow.
    I am the diamond glints on snow.
    I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
    I am the gentle autumn rain.
    When you awaken in the morning's hush
    I am the swift uplifting rush
    Of quiet birds in circled flight.
    I am the soft stars that shine at night.
    Do not stand at my grave and cry;
    I am not there. I did not die.

  4. Never ever let anyone tell you that your grief is too much or misplaced. No one has a right to judge how you grieve. Especially if they have never been through the situation themselves. I too have been "gifted" with intense emotion, and I know that the only one that truly understands how I really feel is the good Lord who blessed me with it. You are not wrong to grieve how you seem best. Everyone's grief path is different. I love you and I am here to support you no matter how you grieve.

  5. While I'm sorry you went though this, I'm glad to hear someone blogging about miscarriage. I hate that most think you need to never tell about it. I hate the taboo that is there that makes people to not want to share. I for one could never imagine having to keep my child a secret. I know I'm looked down upon because every time I have ever been pregnant I have told the moment I got the positive. I want to share it will the world. And if something where to happen I don't want to grieve alone. That is one of the times you need the most support I think. (sorry for my babbling)