Tonight, I'm alone.
Completely alone, at home. (Well, with the exception of a God, Wendell, and my cell phone which enables me to contact people, but there's no other human body in this house with me.)
It's the first time this has happened since before Spencer was born. Three nights before Spencer was born, I believe.
Now, I've been home by myself for multiple hours since Spencer was born, but never overnight. I've been away from Spencer overnight, but if I was without Spencer, I was with Jake. Tonight, both Spencer and Jake are gone. They're not coming back until sometime tomorrow afternoon. Tonight, I will lie in bed, close my eyes, and hopefully not wake until morning, still alone.
I can't claim to be one of those stay-at-home mothers who NEVER wants to be apart from their child. I used to feel guilty for wanting a few hours here and there to be without the responsibility that comes with having an infant at my side or under my care and supervision. I wrestled with feeling like I was a "bad mom" for wanting that, and came to realize it's OKAY. And since then, my husband has been ever-so-wonderful as to allow me time now and again, to be alone, doing whatever I want, at home, or away. I don't feel I ask for much in that regard. I never demand that I be left alone, but when I feel like I could use some time for myself to refresh, I ask. Heck, sometimes, Jake notices before I do and he suggests it.
Jake is gone overnight one night each week for his job, where he sleeps away from both Spencer and I. It's been that way since Spencer was born. I occasionally have made a quip here or there about how nice it might be to not hear a baby cry at night. While I felt guilty saying it, deep down, I know I felt it was probably true. I didn't want to guilt my husband into letting me go on a personal vacation or anything like that, and I didn't really imagine I would be the one alone overnight, ever... but here I am.
When they walked out this afternoon, I cried. I stopped crying shortly after, but then, when he called to say he loved me and to thank me for helping get Spencer ready to go, I broke down sobbing. Knowing they weren't coming home to be with me tonight REALLY hit me, harder than I expected it to, and I couldn't help but weep. He told me not to let the fact that I was alone keep me from relaxing and resting, and to just take it easy, because I deserve it.
After we got off the phone, I cried a little longer, then I decided I needed to occupy my mind with something. So, I finished proofing and editing a friend's family photos that Jake took. After, I decided that I was going to try my best to relax.
So, I'm sitting here, blogging about it, eating Chinese (I saved some money in my purse and decided to treat myself), and about to go have a date with Dr. Gregory House. He'll be on the TV while I'm on the couch.
I hope that Jake and Spencer have fun with Jake's family at their annual gun-shooting tournament in Iowa. I hope that they sleep well without me, but I do hope they miss me at least a little...
...because I already definitely miss them.