Thursday, September 22, 2011

It's been a week.

It's been one week since I woke up in the hospital, after my D&C. It seems so far away one minute, but then the next, I'm reliving it as if it was this morning that it happened. So is the paradox of life, I guess, where time moves just as quickly as lightning but as slow as one-legged turtle.

I am proud to say that today, I have shed less tears than I have in what seems like ages. Yes, I cried multiple times, but I cried less. Knowing that, I find some comfort.

As I mentioned yesterday, I've been listening to my husband's Sanctus Real "Pieces of a Real Heart" CD as I make my way around in the car. Today, another song hit me. It's called "the Redeemer."

Here are the lyrics:

Sometimes I just want to start over, 'cause everything looks like a wreck
And I need the courage to carry on, 'cause I can't see what's ahead
And there are places I've wished I could be, battles I've wanted to win
Dreams that have slipped through my hands
I may never get back again

But I'm still a dreamer, a believer
Oh, I've lost my faith in so many things, but I still believe in You
'Cause You can make anything new

Sometimes I just wish we could say all the things that are easy to hear
Ignore the injustice we see and explain every unanswered prayer
But I'd rather speak honestly and wear a tattered heart on my sleeve
'Cause in the middle of my broken dreams, redemption is here

And I'm still a dreamer, a believer
Oh, I've lost my faith in so many things, but I still believe in You
'Cause You are the answer, the redeemer
Oh, I've given up on too many things, but I'm not giving up on You
'Cause You can make anything new

I don't have every answer in life
But I'm trusting You one day at a time
'Cause You can make a weak heart stay alive forever
this is where Heaven and Earth collide
I lift my hands and give my life
This is how my weary heart stays alive

I feel like this song also fits my current life situation perfectly. Yup, pretty much every sentence I think was written to apply to me and where I am right now.

I was musing with a friend last night, and my cousin tonight, that there must be a purpose to all of this. I mean, I know that God didn't "take" my unborn child away. But, He did receive Sprout. I know that Satan wants me to blame God, and I absolutely refuse. As I said last night (I think) that's a very new thing for me.

And with that new way of approaching this horrific situation, I find that I have hope that there's a real reason for why this happened to us. Not that it's a good thing to have happened, but something wonderful is bound to come from it, if you're optimistic enough to think so.

I think something will. I don't know that I will know about it, but I frankly don't care. I just have to have that hope to help carry through, I guess.

I like to think that my suffering and sorrow will help someone out there someday. Maybe there's a woman out there who lost a child, or will lose a child, and somehow, they'll happen upon my journey, my emotions, my struggles, and my faith. And, maybe that will inspire her.

I know that I've gone through feelings of absolute abandonment and being morbidly alone in the last week or so. I know that I am not, but my demons allow me to think that from time to time. (Sidenote: here's a fantastic quote that I hadn't thought about before, although I use the phrase "my demons" occasionally. It's from the Beth Moore Bible Study I am doing at church called "When Godly People do Ungodly Things." Ah, fail. I can't figure out where Jake put my study guide, so I'll paraphrase. She muses that since Satan tries to mimic God to fool us into following him, he probably sends demons to each individual as God sends Angels to guide and protect us. What a war, right?)

But, I am sure that out there, somewhere, some woman is going through this alone. She may or may not realize God is there, and she may or may not have any other support. I like to imagine that a purpose for my suffering is to inspire or help that woman out there cope with one of the greatest tragedies and losses in her life.

And maybe I'm way off on all of my thinking. But, a woman can hope, right? I feel like I can hope these things, especially if they're helping me to overcome this intense struggle inside of myself.

That's all for tonight. I am exhausted to my very core.

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