Tuesday, September 27, 2011

The report is in.

Today, I received a call from the doctor's office telling me that the results of the pathology report from the D&C were in.

According to the nurse, they found nothing abnormal or "wrong" with Sprout's tissues, leaving them unable to determine the cause of fetal demise, though it rules out chromosomal abnormalities, which is considered to be the most common cause of miscarriage in the first trimester. I was "hoping" that they would have found that to be the reason we lost Sprout, but, unfortunately for my "peace of mind," it was not.

There were no hormonal problems with my bloodwork that they found when I first found out I was pregnant, nor at the following appointments, and my levels from the day we found out we lost the baby were also perfectly normal, so that rules out another of the most common causes.

They found no malignant tissues, either.

As far as I was told, or could see during ultrasound, the cause wouldn't have been improper implantation, either.

They say that stress doesn't usually "cause" a miscarriage to occur, but a physical trauma to the mother's body could cause a miscarriage.

It leads me to wonder... I was having some pretty stressful days leading up to the date that they believe Sprout stopped growing. Could that have been the cause?

I was drinking low amounts of caffeine, though not ever day. What about that?

I fell backward into our wall and entertainment center two days before the aforementioned date. Would that have done it?

I don't know. I might never know. I try not to blame myself, because I don't believe that I really caused the miscarriage to happen, but when I hear the news I was dreading, that it wasn't something the doctor's could distinguish... well, that makes it a little harder to not wonder if it was my fault.

Someone asked me if I would really want to know the exact reason that Sprout didn't make it. I contemplated this a while. Right now, with the uncertainty and the borderline self-blame I am experiencing... yes, I think that I would like to know. I would like to know if it was something I did, truthfully, so that I could prevent it in the future. Granted, I will be trying to avoid the things I think could have caused it next time around, but I would like to know for sure if that was the case. If not, I would like to know if there's a genetic risk I carry, or Jake carries, or if it was just pure happenstance.

But, I guess, I will never know. Time to make peace with that.

1 comment:

  1. Please, please don't blame yourself for this, Nik. My mom had a few miscarriages between my brother and me (thus the 12 years difference between us!) and each time she also went through these feelings (not that I want to put down your emotions at ALL). I'm so sorry to hear of your past few weeks... I've been kind of a silent follower in all of it, because I DON'T know what it feels like... and I DON'T have answers...and it seems like I DON'T know the words to express the grief, sorrow, love, etc. that I feel to help you feel better! Know that you are loved and that your little Sprout went to be with his or her Creator -- and I'm sure "Sprout" is sprouting wings and planting seeds that grow beautiful and wonderful things beyond our understanding or imaginations that will be waiting for you and Jake and Spencer someday. When I heard your news, the first thing that popped into my head was scripture.... John 14:2 to be exact. At first, I coudn't make a connection with why that verse was in my head and your loss. Then it hit me: I truly feel that Sprout has gone to help to prepare a place for you. I love you lots and hope that each day is....not easier (because I don't know if it's ever "easy")... but more peace-filled.